Hello my name is Matt & I am worried about Mum

[MattyB]

Hello my name is Matt and I am worried that my Mum might have early dementia.

My situation is compounded by the fact that I live overseas (+9 hours from the UK) and my Mum is in the UK.

She lives alone, but is quite active (charity work, part time work) and has a network of friends, but I am really worried obviously.

I noticed a big change in her behaviour around about November, but also looking back I saw some telltale signs earlier than this, but wrote them off as "getting on a bit."

From my perspective, there's been a definite change in her behaviour since the end of last year and I am really worried and feeling a little helpless being so far away. The earliest I can make it back to the UK is in March, which is also making me feel a little worthless. I want to do more, but can't from this distance.

Anyway, that's me and what's troubling me.

Looking forward to diving into the resources and experiences here to try and make sense of things..

Thanks for reading.

 

[Graybiker]

Hi Matt & welcome
I’m afraid I have no experience of being a distant carer, but I know there are many here who have.
I’m sure they will be along to give guidance & advice.
It does sound like your mum may have some cognitive issues, but that is really for a gp or other to decide.
I’m sure others will have more advice, in the meantime, take care
x

 

[GabbyO]

Oh that is tricky being so far away but you’re not worthless - I often feel bad about being 80 miles away from my mum we are allowed to have our own lives.

Are you able to speak to her GP? I think you should to express your concerns. I speak to my Mum’s. He did get Mum assessed when it was quite obvious something was awry and even though I didn’t want Mum to know her diagnosis, it does mean she’s on the system and is visited every 6 months by social services memory service and has access to other things if she wanted. Once every 6 months not brilliant though…

I’m afraid the money thing is really common with dementia. Just becoming a bit obsessed in one way or another. My mum mainly thinks everything is so expensive and that she can’t afford anything which she can thankfully.
And she has become very vulnerable to scammers so I have POA over her bank account and any unusual activity is flagged up.

I don’t know if that is any help. All the best

 

[MattyB]

Oh that is tricky being so far away but you’re not worthless - I often feel bad about being 80 miles away from my mum we are allowed to have our own lives.

Are you able to speak to her GP? I think you should to express your concerns. I speak to my Mum’s. He did get Mum assessed when it was quite obvious something was awry and even though I didn’t want Mum to know her diagnosis, it does mean she’s on the system and is visited every 6 months by social services memory service and has access to other things if she wanted. Once every 6 months not brilliant though…

I’m afraid the money thing is really common with dementia. Just becoming a bit obsessed in one way or another. My mum mainly thinks everything is so expensive and that she can’t afford anything which she can thankfully.
And she has become very vulnerable to scammers so I have POA over her bank account and any unusual activity is flagged up.

I don’t know if that is any help. All the best

Thanks Gabby, I am looking into getting a POA now. I will ask for an intro to her GP, shouldn't be an issue. So in effect you kept the diagnosis a secret but get the visit from the memory service team. Seems like a wise move. Thanks for the pointers and also for describing your experiences. All the best.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @MattyB and welcome to Dementia Support Forum where you'll find good suggestions, understanding and empathy. If you can email or speak to your mum's GP setting out what you have told us that would be a great start. Ruling out other things such as anxiety and depression will be important before concluding that she has dementia. Being ready for continued changes in behaviour and planning for care needs are important. An adult needs assessment may help to alert social services and potentially identify care options.

Assessment for care and support in England

What are care assessments and how can people with dementia and their carers access them? This information is for care and support in England.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome @MattyB

Long distance caring is too challenging to be effective without help and support from someone who has access.

I helped care for my neighbour. He lived next door and there was easy access via the back garden.
He had no family, his solicitor had the POA and I was the go between.

It worked well. I liaised with the solicitor and the carers who eventually made regular visits until he went into residential care.

It might be a big ask but do you think your friend would be willing to adopt a semblance of this role?

 

[GabbyO]

Thanks Gabby, I am looking into getting a POA now. I will ask for an intro to her GP, shouldn't be an issue. So in effect you kept the diagnosis a secret but get the visit from the memory service team. Seems like a wise move. Thanks for the pointers and also for describing your experiences. All the best.

Hi Matt
Yes, I kept diagnosis secret because my mum is generally really depressed and down and I didn’t think her knowing she has Alzheimer’s would be anything other than devastating though if you do go down that route, you have to make sure everyone who deals with your mum knows that. There have been a couple of slip ups with my mum but thankfully, she’s forgotten quite quickly - every cloud… We refer to it as memory problems but there are times when she does something so irrational and won’t listen to reason, when I wish I could tell her!

I got some quick and easy POA for her bank account which didn’t involve the whole registering etc. It’s a form you can fill out yourself and get her to sign and will do until you get the proper one.

Good luck with it all. The fact your mum is still busy and active is great. Another thing if you’re gettting worried about being so far away is installing a security camera. I put what I call Mumcam in ( it’s a Ring camera) in my Mum’s living room after an incident when I couldn’t get hold of her and it’s been a total game changer. I can see her every day, check she’s got up and got off to bed and talk to her (or shout at her through it) which is quite nice. £50 well spent!!