Hello, -how to cope with emotions.

[DianeCo]

Hello ,
My parents have moved into a care home together , this week, after moving into their home and caring for them 24/7 for a time, with carers visiting a few times a day, we knew they needed more care than we can give. I know it’s the right decision for their safety and health and but Im constantly worried that I’ve made the right decision and feeling I could have done more, especially as they keep asking to go home and don’t like being in the care home ( it’s very early days I know) my emotions are all over the place , not sleeping, feel sick and low , I’m sure this will pass with time but any advice would be great fully received.

 

[NewbyT]

Hi @DianeCo and welcome to Dementia Support Forum

Thank you for making your first post to share how you're feeling about your parents moving into a care home together.

I want to let you know that you are in the right place to receive support and understanding. Our members are a helpful and friendly bunch, so there's always a listening ear available.

 

[yoy]

You have done the right thing DianeCo, please don't keep thinking you could have done more, it sounds as though you did everything you possibly could. Other posters on here have regularly advised people that eventually a PWD needs a whole team of people working round the clock to look after them - it gets way too much for you to do. So they are now in the right place.
It can take quite some time for people to settle, as you already seem to recognise. My mum has been her care home a year now and occassionally still thinks it's only temporary and that she's waiting to go home. But she kept wanting to go home even when she was at home, so it's just the dementia talking there! Overall she is now settled and well looked after. So, yes, give them plenty of time to get used to things.
As for your own symptoms, I remember them well! Looking after someone with dementia can really mess you up. It's the stress of it all. Now is the time for you to try to slow down, step back, and get youreslf back on track. Look after yourself - you have done the right thing.

 

[DanDoubleDee]

Hi @DianeCo

My father (Parkinsons and Dementia) has been in his carehome now for 5 months. Initially it was for 6 weeks respite as he had a long stay in hospital. It's only now that he's beginning to accept that he will have to remain there and has began to settle down.

My emotions are still all over the place, and I was caring for dad for a few years. I managed to do that whilst living 50 miles away and with my own family issues. Sometimes our parents don't realise just how much difficulties they would be in if no-one was there to help them so they have a little bit of denial about how bad their illnesses really are. Also, the change of scenery or change of routine can affect them and add on some reluctance to settle down. My dad always had trust issues with anyone in his life due to a very deprived childhood, so he's sceptical of people.

You've done the right thing. If you ran yourself in to the ground and got ill you wouldn't be able to look after them as well as you have been. Now it's time for them to have more dedicated support whilst you give yourself the space to be able to help them settle in.

 

[DianeCo]

Hi DanDoubleDee,
Thank you , I really appreciate your reply, deep down we know we’ve done the right thing but my heart is ruling my head at the moment . You’re so right that some parents don’t realise or appreciate how much care they need, I would do anything for them to be safe and content, but they need more than we can give now. so we’ll keep visiting and smiling and being positive….

 

[DianeCo]

You have done the right thing DianeCo, please don't keep thinking you could have done more, it sounds as though you did everything you possibly could. Other posters on here have regularly advised people that eventually a PWD needs a whole team of people working round the clock to look after them - it gets way too much for you to do. So they are now in the right place.
It can take quite some time for people to settle, as you already seem to recognise. My mum has been her care home a year now and occassionally still thinks it's only temporary and that she's waiting to go home. But she kept wanting to go home even when she was at home, so it's just the dementia talking there! Overall she is now settled and well looked after. So, yes, give them plenty of time to get used to things.
As for your own symptoms, I remember them well! Looking after someone with dementia can really mess you up. It's the stress of it all. Now is the time for you to try to slow down, step back, and get youreslf back on track. Look after yourself - you have done the right thing.

Hi yoy:

My mum was the same, asking to go home when she was already there. My dad is still aware enough to know where he is and asks how long they’ll be there, I just keep things upbeat as much as possible.
I liken my feelings to heartache, worried about their happiness but know you’re doing the right thing for them. The organisation of everything was ok, now the reality kicks in I guess.
Thank you so much for your reply and reassuring words, I’m glad your mum has settled now.

 

[DianeCo]

Hi @DianeCo and welcome to Dementia Support Forum

Thank you for making your first post to share how you're feeling about your parents moving into a care home together.

I want to let you know that you are in the right place to receive support and understanding. Our members are a helpful and friendly bunch, so there's always a listening ear available.

Thank you.🙏

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum from me too @DianeCo.

Lots of reassurance for you in the replies you’ve had here. I wondered if you would find this booklet useful

This booklet is aimed at those who have been caring at home for a family member, partner or friend who is now in the later stages of dementia and where a decision has been made to transfer the person to a care home setting. It does not cover the process of making the decision about or arranging long-stay care nor how you go about choosing a care home. These themes are covered in another Alzheimer Scotland publication, A Positive Choice: choosing long-stay careforapersonwithdementia(2003). Instead,itlooksatthe impact of the move on the carer and the person with dementia.
The booklet aims to help carers establish new caring roles for themselves through visiting and working as partners with care home staff to help them understand the person with dementia and provide the best possible care in what is likely to be the person’s final home.

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https://www.alzscot.org/sites/default/files/images/0000/0275/lettinggo.pdf

 

[Laura40]

Hi @DianeCo my husband took around 3 months to really settle into his care home but now he really sees it as his home and when he comes out on day trips with me to our home( his old home) he is always ready to go back, actually moving up and down in his chair demonstrating his wish to go( he is mainly non verbal now). It was the hardest decision I’ve probably made in my life but it was the right one. Don’t regret a decision you have made on a basis of safety and best interests for all. After a while you will feel better, and so will they.

 

[DianeCo]

Thank you Laura40, I’ll do my best to keep positive, their feelings are most important, in fact when they’re ok , I’m ok. It’s early days but so emotional.