Hello...dad/father/brother/uncle/hero/champion..I miss you

[freeyourmind]

Hi everyone, not entirely sure what im looking for but here goes...mabe nothing...maybe just to talk.

sooo here goes,

My dad got diagnosed with vascular dementia couple of years back. At the time, for me, it was just another addition to the multitude of horrible things he already had wrong with him. But just recently i'm finding it increasingly hard to cope with...I've sat numerous times over the years at hospitals holding his hand, crying, broken, while the doctors and consultants tell us there is nothing more they can do and its only a matter of time.... Every time praying that he doesn't die but in the same breath wishing he would, to end all the suffering.

Every time my dad came back!?? No idea how?
The doctors apparently don't even know how?
Each time a little part of him stolen, broken, fragmented but alive nonetheless.

I love my father dearly, my dad, my hero. I have fond memories of him walking up pendle hill with me on is shoulders all those years ago, laughing... joking...happy and take comfort from these.

I find it quite hard to express how i feel in person, face to face, which is why, I guess, i'm sat here writing this. Anyway, thanks for reading. Chin up as my dad always used to say oh and i wote this....x

Dementia and the demons.

Take him away, let him sleep.
Wake him, pulse weak.
Feed him life, in little pills, dad, we know, you’re no fool.
Dignity’s gone and a mind so bleak.
I won’t ever leave you, but please, you deserve to be free.

Help! I’m so scared! Help me...stay awake.
My dear darling, I’m so afraid!

I’m afraid I won’t know you that ill forget your name.
I’m afraid I won’t feel you, just all this pain.
As well the pain what a burden I bring. But I know you today, so don’t forget my name.

Help him, please let him live, for what? Tears, misery and suffering?

I want to live! I want to love, I want to laugh, not be judged.
I sometimes remember, you’re my wife, then get upset because you’re still my life.

You wander your mind, alone, all caved in.
I love you, I need you but these demons, they win.
Wrong place, wrong time? I’m sure you’ll agree.
But in the arms of the angles you deserve to be.

And longer we roam, wondering what went wrong.
But I’ll remember all of your songs.
Checkmate! I’ve won you laugh and proclaim,
I’ll never forget all the things you’ve done.
I just want to thank you for all that you are.
Dad you’re the best, I hope you feel no pain.
Dad I love you,
I see you,
Each and every day...

 

[Malalie]

Your poetry made me cry - it was so heartfelt and real. It sounds like you have been through hell and I do wish for a painless, dignified release for your poor old Dad.

I still can’t think of my lovely Dad without thinking of the hospital and the awful things around his death - I don’t know what the answer is to that.

You are obviously a strong person - you’ve been through all that and are continuing to do so - not knowing what life is going to fling at you next, yet you have come on here and published that marvellous poem for all to see.

Thank you Wendy XXX
PS Keep posting and keep remembering Pendle hill……

 

[1mindy]

As a wife I feel the pain as the child. Well put in few words. There are no merits the in this most awful disease.

 

[freeyourmind]

Your poetry made me cry - it was so heartfelt and real. It sounds like you have been through hell and I do wish for a painless, dignified release for your poor old Dad.

I still can’t think of my lovely Dad without thinking of the hospital and the awful things around his death - I don’t know what the answer is to that.

You are obviously a strong person - you’ve been through all that and are continuing to do so - not knowing what life is going to fling at you next, yet you have come on here and published that marvellous poem for all to see.

Thank you Wendy XXX
PS Keep posting and keep remembering Pendle hill……

Hey Wendy, thanks for reading. My dads currently 67 and fading fast...I hope you don't mind me asking? Did you ever tell your dad how you actually felt about the whole situation before you lost him? My condolences x

 

[freeyourmind]

As a wife I feel the pain as the child. Well put in few words. There are no merits the in this most awful disease.

Certainty not.Thanks for reading. Really hard to try and console my dads wife, or even get near to what she might be feeling. Shes lost everything, more than i care to imagine but still, cares for him each and every day as though its the first day.

 

[Margi29]

Your post is so heart felt,it made me cry.
Lost my dad to this ( I am broken ) people say time is a great healer and yes perhaps in time this pain will ease.
Was with my dad a lot , the end was devastating.

Give your dad loads of love and keep telling him how much you love him.

This disease takes no prisoners !!

Now my mum has it and so this road has started again for me.

Hope you have loads of support.