Hello and thank you for listening - Mother in law declining rapidly

[Juniper123]

Hello everyone,
This is my first post - I've been backwards and forwards about 12 times this morning and finally plucked up the courage. My mother-in-law (MIL) has never been an easy woman to deal with, very little affection between mother and only son (my husband - S) but we've rubbed along together. For a few years now it has been apparent that she was getting forgetful and confused, but was able to live comfortably with my father-in-law (FIL). He was not a well man but did the thinking for them while she kept the house, did shopping and cooking and looked after him.

FIL died very suddenly about a month ago. Since then it has become very apparent just how big MIL's issues are. Previously they were very well hidden from the outside world and apart from a little confusion, even we didn't realise. She has reached the stage where she has virtually no short-term memory (cannot remember conversations 1-2 hours later), doesn't know at all what time of day or date it is, and is now somewhat delusional - convinced that long-dead relatives were there and a whole manner of other odd stories. S calls her each day and she has now started denying that he is her son - this is another horrible S who phones and shouts at her apparently, definitely not her son as he lives with her. From what she has been saying I think yesterday she was about 45 years ago in her head, as there were a group of 6 boys in and out of the house with her son (the description was of my husband and his schoolfriends).

From the other side I have a distraught husband who is really struggling to cope with this. He lost his dad suddenly just a month ago but has not had a chance to grieve for him at all, and was unaware of the extent of his mother's confusion. In fact he is quite angry towards his dad at the moment, saying that he knew how she was but covered it up as he wouldn't have been able to manage at home without her looking after him. To a certain extent I agree with him, but more from her perspective as she could have got help much earlier. He is struggling to cope with his father's death, his mother's attitude, moods and so frustrated at not being able to get through to her. He knows deep down that it is the condition doing this and not her, but everything is very raw.

So I am in the middle and exhausted. Yesterday I had a sobbing MIL on the phone because they'd had words, and a totally strung-out tearful husband at home at the end of his tether. On top of that her brother chose that moment to phone to see how she was, so I had him shouting at us as she had told him that we were being cruel, leaving her alone, not letting her go out etc, which is totally untrue!

We got her to the GPs last week and we have been referred to the Memory Clinic so at least we are making a start in getting some sort of plan for her. We have LPA lodged and have sorted out all her finances, bills etc for her (she had no interest in any of that). She wants to stay at home and we have promised to do all we can to make sure she is safe and comfortable. Sorry to go on and on here but I just needed somewhere to let it all out. There is just us trying to do our best but it is so hard and we don't have anyone else to turn to.

Thank you so much for listening. Take care everyone.
J

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Oh dear. I'm sorry you are going through this - your story will be very familiar to many TP members.

The stories about people mistreating her are likely to continue as well as denying her son is her real son, so be prepared for that to escalate. This issue causes so many problems, not just the hurt but the person's refusal to accept help or acknowledge that anything is wrong

But you have got a good start on the practicalities - LPA and doctor/memory clinic. Once you have progressed through this (often not easy!) you will be able to access care for your MIL (ask Social Services for a needs assessment) and can also claim Attendance Allowance and so forth. If she will be self-funding there is no reason you can't put in a few carers now. Check the finances! If she has more than about £23,000 she will have to pay for her care.

Think also about the future. You MIL has expressed a wish to remain at home but TBH, everyone says that! I can't imagine a person with dementia saying 'please put me in a care home'! But she will need help sooner or later so carers can be arranged. (Hopefully!) Is her property suitable should she become more infirm?

Keep an eye on things as best you can and make notes of her behaviours - you can give this to the memory clinic to save you having to say it all in front of your MIL. Is she washing, cooking? Is she struggling with the phone/microwave/TV remote?

For your husband, it will take some time for it to sink in how things are now with his mum, and that is very hard to do. Perhaps get him to read posts on this forum or more about dementia generally. And get together with the brother in law - have a heart to heart and make sure you all understand that MIL's dementia is making her accuse people. Discuss how you will all handle things going forwards.

Good luck and keep posting - you will get lots of support here.

 

[Juniper123]

Thank you so much for your kind words, and suddenly I don't feel so alone!
The slightly odd thing (to me) is that she is very able to look after herself within the home. She is always immaculately turned out, showers each day, the house is spotless - everything hoovered and ironed within an inch of its life!! And she is cooking and eating well albeit at random times during the day. She manages a weekly shop, recently via the dial-a-ride service along with a neighbour, but just buys the same few things each week so we tend to top up on the essentials. Unfortunately everything else is beyond her - a mixture of not able to and not wanting to. If we try to talk about her forgetting things she just laughs it off and says she hasn't done anything dangerous. But then the mood can change so quickly. Hopefully we are working towards a care plan and how long she can stay at home, but realise that in all honesty that might not be as long as she would wish.

All best to everyone, and thanks again.

 

[Sirena]

Hello @Juniper123 you've had good advice from JadednFaded.

I think it is quite common for a spouse to cover up deficiencies and to pick up the slack, they are protecting their loved one from the outside world. Unfortunately that all falls apart if the protector then dies and someonelse has to step in.

Are you sure your MIL is eating? My mother was still going shopping but she couldn't remember how to prepare food, or even that she needed to eat, and it took some time to realise because of course she said she was coping fine.

My mother managed to live on her own for a while after diagnosis, the first thing she couldn't manage was her finances so I stepped in to do that. But things increasingly fell apart - she sometimes got lost within half a mile of home, she was always losing her keys, she wasn't eating or drinking enough, and couldn't do simple tasks like using the washing machine. At that point (she was self funding) I got carers in for 4 hours a day and they did all the things she could no longer do. They made her meals, took her shopping and to the park (and to appointments as necessary), and also did the laundry and housework.

That worked fine for about 18 months and then she reached the point of needing constant supervision so she moved to a care home. She's now been there 2 years and is very happy there.

 

[canary]

Your OH has lost his dad and now realises that he is losing his mum too.
Your MIL has lost her husband and is now lost herself in a sea of confusion.
You, poor thing, now have the unenviable role of trying to hold it all together.

Its not going to be easy, but you have made a good start with the POA and sorting out the finances.