Good evening all, I came to this forum because my grief won't let me sleep. It also gets in the way of work and most forms of concentration during the day. My mum's Alzheimer's got much worse rapidly after she suffered an extensive stroke 3 months ago. At the beginning it was difficult to tell which symptoms were provoked by the stroke and which ones were Alzheimer's, but it quickly became apparent that she moved to the last stage of the illness within only three months. At the time of the stroke I was still getting used to the diagnosis of an early onset of dementia and was plunged with the entire family into this parallel universe where my mother is quickly disappearing into the disease. What a strange world it is where one grieves for a parent while they are still alive. It's such a dissonance that my brain really can't cope with it at times. I almost would like to forget about the whole issue myself. I also almost look forward to the moment when my mum will not recognise me because at least then she will be at peace (or I, it's hard to tell the difference nowadays). I am just wondering how other members of this forum are coping with grief peppered with enormous sense of guilt for never doing enough (although in theory I know that there really isn't much more we can do). My mum is in a care home under doctor's supervision where we know she is looked after and safe, but it breaks my heart that the family home we always considered the one safe place stopped serving that function for her, and so suddenly. Thank you for listening.
Grieving & Processing Alzheimer's diagnosis
- Thread starter Zofia
- Start date
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Zofia
You’ll find lots of people here on the forum who know how you feel. Your mum’s journey sounds similar to the one my mum followed 12 years ago. She was diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s which we were managing reasonably well when she had a stroke which plunged her into late stage dementia and we could no longer keep her safe at home. My dad was her main carer and I always felt I wasn’t doing enough to help even though I spent every evening taking mum’s twin to visit her in the care home so dad could have a break.
I worried and grieved in equal measure.
The most shocking thing to me was that mum was only 79 when she died, 18 months after the stroke - we’d expected her to live well into her nineties like her mother before her.
You’ll find lots of people here on the forum who know how you feel. Your mum’s journey sounds similar to the one my mum followed 12 years ago. She was diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s which we were managing reasonably well when she had a stroke which plunged her into late stage dementia and we could no longer keep her safe at home. My dad was her main carer and I always felt I wasn’t doing enough to help even though I spent every evening taking mum’s twin to visit her in the care home so dad could have a break.
I worried and grieved in equal measure.
The most shocking thing to me was that mum was only 79 when she died, 18 months after the stroke - we’d expected her to live well into her nineties like her mother before her.
Hello @Zofia and welcome to Talking Point.
The things you are describing - grief while they are still alive, grief mixed with guilt, the agony of watching them disappearing - has a name. Its is anticipatory grief.
I goes with the territory and I think it is something that almost all of us get.
My mum moved into a care home when she was no longer safe in her own home. I do not know how long your mum has been in a care home, but you may find that , like my mum, once she has settled you will start to see more of your old mums personality. I have some good memories of visiting mum in her care home. You have to look beneath the dementia and confusion and find their sense of humour, or old memories. Sometimes there will be lucid moments when they seem to return to normal (unfortunately it doesnt last long) and sometimes you will find your mum in just a smile. My mums face used to light up every time she saw me.
Acknowledge your grief. Dont beat yourself up for failing, because you havent. Try not to look too far ahead and just look for the good times while your mum is still here.
xxxxx
The things you are describing - grief while they are still alive, grief mixed with guilt, the agony of watching them disappearing - has a name. Its is anticipatory grief.
I goes with the territory and I think it is something that almost all of us get.
My mum moved into a care home when she was no longer safe in her own home. I do not know how long your mum has been in a care home, but you may find that , like my mum, once she has settled you will start to see more of your old mums personality. I have some good memories of visiting mum in her care home. You have to look beneath the dementia and confusion and find their sense of humour, or old memories. Sometimes there will be lucid moments when they seem to return to normal (unfortunately it doesnt last long) and sometimes you will find your mum in just a smile. My mums face used to light up every time she saw me.
Acknowledge your grief. Dont beat yourself up for failing, because you havent. Try not to look too far ahead and just look for the good times while your mum is still here.
xxxxx
