Grief a year on

[emhosk16]

Hi all,
I first joined this group in April 2023, about five months after losing my grandad to a year long battle of dementia and many years of cancer. So many of you offered me kernels of hope with my guilt and my grief then, and I am hoping for something similar now.

Tomorrow will be one year to the day since he passed away. It still knocks the breath out of me every single day and I still struggle with the thought of him not being here. My guilt is still present (if you were on my original thread all those months ago, I hear your advice daily in my head and I am slowly letting go of my guilt as best I can). I am working all day tomorrow in the hopes of making the day pass easier on me, but I was wondering if anyone has any advice for the first anniversary. All day today my heart has just been aching knowing what tomorrow signifies and I know it is just another day, another milestone (I’ve had many this year) to overcome and yet I can’t stop feeling like tomorrow is going to be as devastating as it was a year ago.

How do you move past your loss? I know my grandad would not want me to be this deep in my grief a year later and this was a frequent discussion between me and ‘friends’. I ended my friendships with these people over these discussions (and more but besides the point). Essentially these people believed I should be ‘over’ my grief by now, that I shouldn’t still wake up unable to function sometimes because of the pain of losing him. I just don’t understand how there can be a time limit on grief because for the last year it has felt like it will never ever end and right now it feels that way still.

 

[Grannie G]

but I was wondering if anyone has any advice for the first anniversary

Hello @emhosk16

I light a candle at home for the anniversary of my husband`s death. That way it`s just me and him.

Try not to listen to advice about grief, how it should feel and how long it lasts. We all have our own feelings about grief and I would not discuss it, even with close friends, because they are not fit to advise, especially if they have not experienced it themselves.

What I would advise is to free yourself from feelings of guilt. You did your best I`m sure when your granddad was ill and your best was good enough.

It`s a good idea to work tomorrow and keep yourself busy. When you get home, light a candle and salute your granddad with whatever drink is to your taste.

 

[Tonyjoe]

Hi all,
I first joined this group in April 2023, about five months after losing my grandad to a year long battle of dementia and many years of cancer. So many of you offered me kernels of hope with my guilt and my grief then, and I am hoping for something similar now.

Tomorrow will be one year to the day since he passed away. It still knocks the breath out of me every single day and I still struggle with the thought of him not being here. My guilt is still present (if you were on my original thread all those months ago, I hear your advice daily in my head and I am slowly letting go of my guilt as best I can). I am working all day tomorrow in the hopes of making the day pass easier on me, but I was wondering if anyone has any advice for the first anniversary. All day today my heart has just been aching knowing what tomorrow signifies and I know it is just another day, another milestone (I’ve had many this year) to overcome and yet I can’t stop feeling like tomorrow is going to be as devastating as it was a year ago.

How do you move past your loss? I know my grandad would not want me to be this deep in my grief a year later and this was a frequent discussion between me and ‘friends’. I ended my friendships with these people over these discussions (and more but besides the point). Essentially these people believed I should be ‘over’ my grief by now, that I shouldn’t still wake up unable to function sometimes because of the pain of losing him. I just don’t understand how there can be a time limit on grief because for the last year it has felt like it will never ever end and right now it feels that way still.

Grief is very unique to all of us. Yes there are patterns that we all go through, but how long it takes is down to us, and some people never get over the feeling of loss, we just cope with it in our own ways,
For my first anniversary I'm going to go somewhere my partner loved to go. I will buy a cup of tea and a slice of cake, which she loved, and I will think of the good times we had together, and I will, talk with her, and tell her what I'm doing.

 

[Izzy]

Like others I try to do something special on every anniversary of my husband’s death. I usually go somewhere we liked to go to together. I think I’ll always do that.

Grief is certainly unique and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief can change over time. I found this clip helpful.

 

[Jessie5]

I’m sorry for your loss and sadness. Lots of excellent advice about grief above.

You are absolutely right there is no time limit and it can still feel raw years later.

Have you had any grief counseling? A friend lost her Mum and Dad in quick succession and it really helped her. CRUS the bereavement charity offer free services:

Get support - Cruse Bereavement Support

We're here to help you no matter how long you've been grieving. Learn more about our different bereavement support services here.

www.cruse.org.uk

In terms of guilt please, please try and let it go. It serves no purpose other than to make us feel worse. I am pretty sure you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were not the cause of your grandad’s illnesses and nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. Your grandad was ill and was always going to die. This is not your fault. If you are worried that you could have done more or cared for him differently then again please let that go.When someone is as poorly as your granddad was we are all just muddling along under stressful difficult circumstances doing our best.

The intensity of you grief says to me that you must have loved each other very much. I can 100% guarantee that he wouldn’t have wanted you to feel guilty about things that I’m sure were out of your control. But would want you to remember the man that existed before his illness that you loved very much. That man will always be in your heart and memories.