Frustration with social services

[Lucy Hudds]

Bit of background, I'll try to keep it brief.

A lady who attends the same recovery hub that I work in has had declining memory for a while now. None of her friends were willing or able to help so I took it upon myself to get her diagnosed (mixed type vascular and Alzheimers). She has no next of kin in this country (she's from the US) and lives alone so I'm the only person who has been helping her.

All social services have done is two needs assessments over the phone which didn't reflect the reality of the situation as she was so focussed on giving the "right" answers rather than the reality. I tried explaining to the social worker that she was being economical with the truth but got a rude reply along the lines of "D***** can speak for herself".

After much toing and froing we managed to get carers coming in twice a day to do meds and get her something to eat which was fine then but her memory has got even worse since and SS are stonewalling me. It seems I'm de facto NOK when it suits them but not when I'm asking for extra help. I've been begging for her to be reassessed with a view to getting her into sheltered accommodation with care but SS say they'll only do an assessment if I can guarantee she'll be in through the day. She hates staying home and (short of chaining her to a radiator, kidding), as I work full time I have no way of making her stay in. I've left notes on the door before and she just disregards them and toddles out anyway. I had the GP out to her on Saturday (I stayed with her to make sure she stayed home) for him to write to SS to add more weight to my request so I'll just have to see if that works.

At the moment D is struggling to stay warm as her central heating doesn't work so she's relying on fan heaters. I've arranged what repairs to her home I can but no one will touch the boiler as it's so old and she doesn't qualify for a free replacement. I also can't have fitters come as she'll turn them away or freak out, if she even stays in to let them in. I'm loath to have her spend upwards of £5K when she's not going to be living there much longer. The house is filthy but she won't let anyone clean, she strip washes rather than showering as the bathroom is mouldy and god knows what's living in her towels. She's always dressed appropriately in clean clothes but that only due to the fact she has so many clothes. Carers now help with the laundry but that's all she'll let them do.

She becoming increasingly confused by the TV (her only entertainment and company of a night) and rings me some times 20 times an hour to talk her through the process of turning it on as she fiddles with the buttons and can't remember how to get back to BBC one. She's still in muscle memory when she goes out. She gets on the bus, goes to the hub (whether it's open or not) then gets her cigarettes and goes home but we're starting to lose familiar places now and I'm terrified of her wandering as it's getting colder and our town isn;t the safest place to be wandering at night.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking but if anyone has any pointers I'd appreciate it. I feel I should back off so SS will have to do more but morally I can't. My own mental health is suffering as I'm trying to juggle a full time job with dealing with D's various problems and I feel like I'm at breaking point. Every evening and weekend for the last 6 weeks I've had no time to myself and I'm constantly crying when I do get time alone as I'm so exhausted. I just don't know what to do or where to turn.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @Lucy Hudds and welcome to the forum. Unfortunately what you describe is very common, as long as someone is looking after ‘D’ social services will not become really involved.
I know that you do not want to step back but you might have to do that to get ‘D’ the help she needs and for the sake of your own health.
Please contact adult social services again and tell them that you can no longer care for ‘D’ and that she is a vulnerable adult at risk of harm and if anything happens to her it is their responsibility not yours.

 

[Lucy Hudds]

I've written an email to her social worker basically saying I have to protect my mental health so I can no longer be an active part of her care. I feel so guilty doing this as she's so frightened and has latched on to me as her support. I love her dearly but I can't do any more than I already am without risking my job, my sanity and sobriety. My employers are sympathetic but if it's coming at a detriment to my own caseload of people it's going to cause major issues. I'm due to go to a conference in Birmingham this week and I'm losing sleep worrying about if something happens whilst I'm away. I'm already on anti anxiety medication (not because of this, I have GAD) but I'm waking up most nights with my heart pounding out of my chest and then staying awake fretting over what will happen to her.

It seems, in our area at least, that SS only get involved when something catastrophic happens. I've spoken to her family in the US tonight and they'll be writing to social services too to add more weight to my requests so fingers crossed something will happen sooner rather than later.

 

[SeaSwallow]

I know that it must be hard for you but you are right to step back for the sake of your own health. It’s good that her US family are getting involved.

 

[Lucy Hudds]

It's going to be really hard as she comes into the hub where I work every day and I don't want her to think I'm abandoning her. I burst into tears in the office last week as when I mentioned the GP coming she looked up at me with the biggest, tear filled, frightened eyes and said "Are they going to take me away?". It was awful but I can't get upset in front of her. She's a tough Brooklyn broad who has always been so independent so to see her so terrified was devastating.

 

[SeaSwallow]

You are not abandoning her, you are trying to get her the help she needs. From your description she needs to be in full time care. As I said before hopefully get family from the US will help resolve the issue with SS. But please don’t be guilt tripped into caring, you need to look after yourself.

 

[Violet Jane]

I ended up in your position in the case of an elderly lady who had no close family. My husband and I knew her from the church we used to go to, and she had appointed my husband to be her attorney for property and financial affairs (there was no health and welfare attorney). I ended up acting as NOK and being the contact point for everyone: health and social care staff, her actual friends and extended family. I have to say that I think that Social Services have treated you very badly given the fact that you are not a relative and don't even have any moral responsibility towards her as she is really just someone whom you have come across in the course of your work. I had a much better experience of Social Services than you. A couple of times something unreasonable was asked of me but the general attitude that I encountered was that I was very good to be taking such an interest in this lady who was no relation. I was lucky that I had my husband to support me but I did a massive amount for her and I was on the point of walking away (not easy when my husband was helping her with her finances) when Social Services finally agreed that she needed 24 hour supervision and we were able to arrange live-in care which lifted a considerable burden from my shoulders (although there were quite a few challenges with that as well). She died in June this year and I ended up being the one to arrange her service of thanksgiving and collect and scatter her ashes.

I think that you should email both Social Services and her GP setting out your concerns about your friend and making it clear that you have to step back now as your health is being affected. Stress that there is nobody else to support her as she has no family at all in the UK and no friends willing to help; she is therefore entirely alone.

Do keep posting for support.

 

[yoy]

Please take the good advice given by SeaSwallow. You need to stress to SS that she's a "vulnerable adult", at "risk of harm", and that if anything happens to her it is "their responsibility" in order to get them to sit up and take notice. Good luck with it and look after yourself.

 

[Lucy Hudds]

Bit of an update. Her family have forwarded me letters pleading for a deputy to be appointed and for more care which I've forwarded to her social worker. I've also asked the care company to submit a report as they see her daily and have expressed concerns about her housing situation.

It's so hard as she's told me today she hates feeling like she does and she hates being a burden. I'm going to flag these feelings with her GP as she's starting to lose emotional regulation and she seems so depressed.

 

[Firecatcher]

It’s really commendable that you’ve helped this woman but I’m surprised your employers are allowing you to become this involved. Surely your line manager should be sending safeguarding alerts to social services about this person. Social services also shouldn’t be railroading your into doing things when it suits them. You really need to think about professional boundaries and not get so deeply into this.

 

[Lucy Hudds]

Just for clarification, D was my friend before I was employed at the hub. We both attended for addiction treatment and I used to volunteer alongside her until I got a paid position there so they are aware i can't just slam boundaries in place and have been accommodating so far.

 

[Firecatcher]

Just for clarification, D was my friend before I was employed at the hub. We both attended for addiction treatment and I used to volunteer alongside her until I got a paid position there so they are aware i can't just slam boundaries in place and have