First holiday ever on my own and feeling so sad and guilty.

[Aboutmyman]

My partner has mixed dementia and is in a Care Home. He has been there just a year and some days you wouldn't think there was a thing wrong with him! I desperately needed something to look forward to, so took the plunge and booked a holiday abroad, just for a week. This will be my first ever holiday alone and I’m in my 70’s. The guilt I feel about going is really getting to me and just wish we could go somewhere together but in this country. My family think that is a bad idea but I just want him to have something we can talk about and he can look forward to. What do you think I should do?

 

[canary]

Hello @Aboutmyman and welcome to Talking Point

I can understand your feeling of guilt and sorrow about going on holiday alone, and your desire to go back to the way things used to be with going on holiday together.
The thing is, though, that he is settled in the home - the only reason he is as good as he is, is precisely because he is in the home and is responding to the simple routine and having lots of people around him meeting his needs.

Think about why he went into the home in the first place. I'll bet you fought against it and tried to keep him at home for as long as possible and things got bad before he moved there. Im afraid his dementia will not have changed - in fact it will have progressed and if you take him out to go on holiday all these problems will recur. You will be taking him out of his routine and he will be unsettled, confused, frightened and probably overwhelmed. He may become agitated and aggressive. He may try and escape. You will be dealing with it all on your own. The idea of going on holiday with him again is a lovely idea, but it is a fantasy. The reality is that neither of you would enjoy it and it could well be dangerous. Dont do it.

 

[Sarasa]

Your husband is settled and if you did change your mind and book something for the two of you I’m afraid he probably wouldn’t be able to look forward to it or remember much of it later.
In mum’s early days in care I took her out for a coffee on a regular basis. Once we went to a lovely country house hotel near the home and had an afternoon tea with champagne with various members of the family.
Mum enjoyed herself no end but a couple of hours away from the home was enough for her. Could you do similar things, maybe a drive to National Trust property for a stroll and cake. That would give you things to share without disturbing his routine too much.
Enjoy your holiday and hit that guilt monster firmly on the head.

 

[northumbrian_k]

I gave up holidays with my wife well before her admission to a care home. She was getting nothing positive from travelling to unfamiliar places and it became increasingly stressful for both of us. My first holiday without her was when she went into respite care for 10 nights. Not long after that she went into a care home permanently.

In nearly 4 years since - the pandemic notwithstanding - I have had several holidays on my own, both in the UK and elsewhere. I have enjoyed them but in a different way than if she had been with me. But there is no place for guilt because I know that going as far as the corner shop is more than she can manage these days. Trying to take her on holiday would be unsettling and undo all the work that helped her to settle and be content. Those days are passed, sadly, but that doesn't mean that I should stay at home. She will not miss me as time now means nothing to her.

Please try not to feel guilty. Go ahead with your holiday as planned and hopefully you'll come back refreshed.