Hello everyone. I am new here. I guess today was the straw that broke the camels back. My dad has been suffering from "memory loss" for the past 4 years. Never thought much of till these past 2 weeks. My mom was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. He would forget where she was and we would tell her but he never remembered. Finally she got released to go home. I thought that once she got home he would be fine, boy was I wrong. I think the time away made it worse. Now he won't leave her alone. Always hovering over her telling her to get up and do stuff and getting a little violent with her (grabbing shoulders, shaking). Meanwhile my mom should be resting and getting better. I'm at my wits end. I know what the next step is but how do I come to terms with it?? How do I go about starting the process?? We called the non emergency police number they said we should call next time he does that but I think it might agitate him more. And the emergency line for his doc said take him to the ER and have them admit him in the hospitals mental health section or even have him baker acted (which I can't even imagine doing to my dad he's 88). I'm so torn but want my mom to be safe. What should I do?? Or if anyone had a similar situation what you ended up doing. Thanks for any advice.
Father with demintia. Don't know what to do
- Thread starter Cnp_x3
- Start date
Good morning and welcome to TP.
I'm so sorry to read of the problems with your dad. It must be very scary for your mum.
Has your dad seen his GP regarding a diagnosis? I know it might be hard to get him to agree to see the GP but I think it would be good to know what you're dealing with. If the diagnosis is Alzheimer's it might be possible for your dad to get some medication.
It might also be a good idea to contact the Social Work Department and ask for an assessment as clearly your mum and dad are both vulnerable. Again it might not be easy to get your dad to agree to meet with someone from SW.
I'm so sorry to read of the problems with your dad. It must be very scary for your mum.
Has your dad seen his GP regarding a diagnosis? I know it might be hard to get him to agree to see the GP but I think it would be good to know what you're dealing with. If the diagnosis is Alzheimer's it might be possible for your dad to get some medication.
It might also be a good idea to contact the Social Work Department and ask for an assessment as clearly your mum and dad are both vulnerable. Again it might not be easy to get your dad to agree to meet with someone from SW.
Hi and welcome to Talking Point.
I'm guessing you are in the US (since you talk about your Mom) and maybe even in Florida, since you talk about Baker acting, which is as far as I'm aware a Florida thing (although all states have something similar).
The truth is: you need to keep your mother safe. It's not your father's fault of course, but his dementia means he can't make the decisions he would have made in the past, and you cannot permit him to hurt your mother. She doesn't deserve it, and if he didn't have dementia, he wouldn't inflict this on her. But you are going to have to be strong about this and perhaps, choose the lesser of two evils. Your mother may not like it, your father almost certainly won't, but you have to be the adult here - if he threatens your mother you absolutely need to call the cops. There is no shame in this. I realise it's not what you or your mother want, but I have to tell you many members of this forum have had to have their loved ones sectioned (which is what it is called in the UK when a person is placed in mental health hospital against their will). It doesn't always work out great but in many cases such a placement permits the person with dementia to get the help they need.
I'm guessing you are in the US (since you talk about your Mom) and maybe even in Florida, since you talk about Baker acting, which is as far as I'm aware a Florida thing (although all states have something similar).
The truth is: you need to keep your mother safe. It's not your father's fault of course, but his dementia means he can't make the decisions he would have made in the past, and you cannot permit him to hurt your mother. She doesn't deserve it, and if he didn't have dementia, he wouldn't inflict this on her. But you are going to have to be strong about this and perhaps, choose the lesser of two evils. Your mother may not like it, your father almost certainly won't, but you have to be the adult here - if he threatens your mother you absolutely need to call the cops. There is no shame in this. I realise it's not what you or your mother want, but I have to tell you many members of this forum have had to have their loved ones sectioned (which is what it is called in the UK when a person is placed in mental health hospital against their will). It doesn't always work out great but in many cases such a placement permits the person with dementia to get the help they need.
Thank you for the info. I never thought of contacting a Social Worker. My mom has a doctors appointment in the morning and this will be one this I ask her doctor about ( my dad sees a doctor in the same office). Hopefully they can give us the steps we need to take.
Well Jennifer you are right on both. I am in the US and live in Florida. I wish they could take my dad without the police involvement. I'm having a hard enough time with this whole thing and seeing him getting taken away in handcuffs in the back of a police car would just kill me inside. But if it's something we have to do so be it. My dad would go willingly since he would forget where we are going. I'm just hoping that at the doctors appointment in the morning the doctor can either give him medication to try to calm him down or give us another way of dealing with this. On the plus size I can talk to the doctor without him realizing it since he just speaks Spanish.
Hi and sorry to hear what you are going through.
I can't say how things happen in the USA but I am in the UK and was in the unfortunate situation of having to call police/ambulance earlier this year when my husband's dementia declined to the point where he turned violent.
The emergency services were made aware of my husband's dementia before arriving. The paramedics arrived first and helped calm my husband while they carried out whatever observations they do. Then the police arrived, very polite and very considerate of my husband's illness. There were no handcuffs involved, they chatted for about 15 mins, won his trust and he agreed to go in the ambulance to hospital (though in truth he had no idea where he was going or why once he was in the ambulance).
The police then followed the ambulance to hospital, just in case they were needed along the way. They were not needed, everything was gentle and calm - no blue light, no sirens and no restraint at any point.
My husband spent two months in the hospital's secure unit. It was a miserable two months for everyone but during that time the medical staff sorted out the right level and type of medication to enable him to return back to the family home (we made it clear from the outset that this was the outcome we were looking for above any other option).
As I say, it was a miserable two months in so many ways but credit where credit's due, they did their job and my husband has been back with us, calm, happy and enjoying family life again since May. He is on the right medication for now and nobody (him or us) need feel scared or at risk of harm.
Getting police, social workers, emergency services involved is never an easy decision and does not lead to an easy journey - but when you turn your eyes to the bigger picture and focus on the intended outcome, things become much clearer.
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