Excuses already!

[Angie1996]

Hi everyone, hope your having a lovely evening

My dad has agreed to let me organise a cleaner at long last

I have read on here a lot from other people about getting a carer in under the guise of being a "cleaner". So this is what I am going to do.

I have spoken to the Manager today from the local carer service provider and going to meet her tomorrow for an assessment meeting (not sure what this involves).

So I rang my dad and said I am sorting you out a "cleaner" one hour a week to being with and lets see how it goes, if you want her to come in more often we can sort that out.

Straight away the excuses start!! e.g I might be out, if she is no good then I dont want her, etc etc etc the amount of hurdles he puts in place are shocking!

I have told him I need him to let me help him, as I cannot do it all!

The Manager was great and said the lady knows how to handle these issues, but I am worried he is just going to get me to cancel it after the first one next week

I really want this to work, as I want this lady to get a bond with him and hopefully start moving into a "caring role" as he smells, not washing properly, hair etc and I really want to help him.

Thanks for listening, and any advise or experiences with this would be really appreciated!

 

[Kevinl]

Have a quick meeting with her first, tell him/her a bit about him; likes, dislikes, hobbies, favourite TV programmes and the like would be my suggestion.
Maybe for the first visit they don't do any work as such just sit down over a cup of tea and have a chat and get to know each other.
I've never had a cleaner and I don't want one, I'm not good with a "stranger" in the house and to be honest I don't like other people doing things for me, my idea of hell would be a pampering weekend in a spa but each to his own as I know they're very popular, but not for me thanks.
Someone who's been doing the job for a while has no doubt come across this situation many times before and will have developed strategies for dealing with it.
K

 

[looviloo]

My dad's since moved into a care home, but while he was living independently I tried to bring him round to the idea of a 'cleaner'. He would agree to it one minute, and then be totally resistant the next. In hindsight I should just have gone ahead with less discussion (but I didn't realise at the time just how confused he was getting). It's SO difficult to go over the heads of our parents, and make decisions in their best interests without their full consent. At least, that's how I felt, and it had me turmoil for quite some time.

If I were you, I would go ahead as planned, knowing that your dad has ok'd it even if only briefly. Sometimes the thought of something is worse than the reality... you might find he is happier once the ball is rolling. If he asks you to cancel it, tell him you will and then forget! You know it's for his benefit, and yours too, since you need the help too if you're going to continue looking after your dad

 

[Angie1996]

Have a quick meeting with her first, tell him/her a bit about him; likes, dislikes, hobbies, favourite TV programmes and the like would be my suggestion.
Maybe for the first visit they don't do any work as such just sit down over a cup of tea and have a chat and get to know each other.
I've never had a cleaner and I don't want one, I'm not good with a "stranger" in the house and to be honest I don't like other people doing things for me, my idea of hell would be a pampering weekend in a spa but each to his own as I know they're very popular, but not for me thanks.
Someone who's been doing the job for a while has no doubt come across this situation many times before and will have developed strategies for dealing with it.
K

Thank you Kevini what great ideas! I have a 4 page story I wrote when he went to the memory clinic in January which gave them a great insight into my dad as a "person" and I will get this to the Manager, and definitely do the first meeting as a meet and greet and get to know each other, I never thought of that, great advise!

I understand the stranger issues, he is not good with people in his home too and can be quite hostile, so these ideas should smooth the waters a lot

 

[Angie1996]

My dad's since moved into a care home, but while he was living independently I tried to bring him round to the idea of a 'cleaner'. He would agree to it one minute, and then be totally resistant the next. In hindsight I should just have gone ahead with less discussion (but I didn't realise at the time just how confused he was getting). It's SO difficult to go over the heads of our parents, and make decisions in their best interests without their full consent. At least, that's how I felt, and it had me turmoil for quite some time.

If I were you, I would go ahead as planned, knowing that your dad has ok'd it even if only briefly. Sometimes the thought of something is worse than the reality... you might find he is happier once the ball is rolling. If he asks you to cancel it, tell him you will and then forget! You know it's for his benefit, and yours too, since you need the help too if you're going to continue looking after your dad

Thanks Looviloo, you are spot on, I know he is going to say she is no good, I just know it, I will do what the other poster advised and get the carer to try and bond with him first, as I know once he lets you in your sorted, once the trust and respect is there

and great tip forgot to cancel wicked idea!!

I really want this to work as I am looking to the future as I know this is only going one way and I need to get a carer into the door now before its too late.....

 

[Dothedealnow]

Live in Carer

We tried setting up the Live In carer as a friend of my brother and I who needed a place to stay. Unfortunately all the ruse's failed. Mum just did not want anyone in the house.

Make sure you have a plan B.

 

[Angie1996]

We tried setting up the Live In carer as a friend of my brother and I who needed a place to stay. Unfortunately all the ruse's failed. Mum just did not want anyone in the house.

Make sure you have a plan B.

Thanks dothedeal now. I have no idea on plan B, it would be back to square one

I know he may be hostile, I am going to work on him today when I go down and really sell the idea to him I hope this works!

 

[keegan2]

I think I would just have carer/cleaner turn up and hope for the best. When put on the spot he may not resist so much. Either way you need this person no amount of persuasion is going to work as he your dad may change mind. ...other half was the same now he hus at the point he does not complain about anyth8ng so I have no problem having anyone else sitting with h8m.....which in its own way is sad as he has entered another stage....

 

[Onlyme]

We told MIL that the carer was free and paid for out of her taxes so we might as well get our money's worth.

The other phase you can use is home help. They seemed to be around in 50/60s so might be more acceptable.

 

[Dothedealnow]

Thanks dothedeal now. I have no idea on plan B, it would be back to square one

I know he may be hostile, I am going to work on him today when I go down and really sell the idea to him I hope this works!

The mistake we made was introducing the carer too quickly, but then we had no choice. Mum was fiercely independent and private and in the words of SS "if she was worse she'd probably accept a carer. " Mum has since been diagnosed as late moderate to early severe comination ( I forget the phrase ) dementia.

 

[Rodelinda]

We've just started having someone coming in for a few hours a week - my mother can't be left on her own and we never get to go out anywhere together. She was very resistant and week 1 was a bit of a battle but we have a really good care worker who's seen it all before and isn't phased by anything. We certainly went through likes, dislikes etc. Week 2 was OK - they sat and had a cup of tea together and a chat. We've decided we just had to take control and even if my mother doesn't like it (she doesn't like much) we are going to keep on with the arrangement as it allows us to do something simple like go for a walk, or to a medical appointment, or just out for a cup of team. It's made a huge difference - so now not quite 24/7.

Part of the reasoning is to get my mother used to having someone else in the house other than me and my partner; at present there's no care duties involved (other than waching over and making sure doesn't fall, remembers to use stick or frame etc). But hopefully as the illness progresses we will have made a bit of a start in getting my mother to accept personal care. Good luck. Sue

 

[Angie1996]

I think I would just have carer/cleaner turn up and hope for the best. When put on the spot he may not resist so much. Either way you need this person no amount of persuasion is going to work as he your dad may change mind. ...other half was the same now he hus at the point he does not complain about anyth8ng so I have no problem having anyone else sitting with h8m.....which in its own way is sad as he has entered another stage....

Thank you Keegan2, I think your right regarding the acceptance, my dad is getting more compliant, his fighting spirit is going... which is not like him. he is changing so much!

 

[Angie1996]

We told MIL that the carer was free and paid for out of her taxes so we might as well get our money's worth.

The other phase you can use is home help. They seemed to be around in 50/60s so might be more acceptable.

Thanks onlyme, I did not know you could get just home help? never heard of this

 

[Angie1996]

The mistake we made was introducing the carer too quickly, but then we had no choice. Mum was fiercely independent and private and in the words of SS "if she was worse she'd probably accept a carer. " Mum has since been diagnosed as late moderate to early severe comination ( I forget the phrase ) dementia.

Thanks dothedealnow, ,my dad is diagnosed at severe alzheimers stage (in Jan this year) I am seeing him not fighting anymore, he was really compliant yesterday!

 

[Angie1996]

We've just started having someone coming in for a few hours a week - my mother can't be left on her own and we never get to go out anywhere together. She was very resistant and week 1 was a bit of a battle but we have a really good care worker who's seen it all before and isn't phased by anything. We certainly went through likes, dislikes etc. Week 2 was OK - they sat and had a cup of tea together and a chat. We've decided we just had to take control and even if my mother doesn't like it (she doesn't like much) we are going to keep on with the arrangement as it allows us to do something simple like go for a walk, or to a medical appointment, or just out for a cup of team. It's made a huge difference - so now not quite 24/7.

Part of the reasoning is to get my mother used to having someone else in the house other than me and my partner; at present there's no care duties involved (other than waching over and making sure doesn't fall, remembers to use stick or frame etc). But hopefully as the illness progresses we will have made a bit of a start in getting my mother to accept personal care. Good luck. Sue

Thanks Rodelinda, this is my plan getting help now as he is only going to get worse