Excepting help

[Rossi 1701]

Hi my name is Tony I have written before some months back and really appreciated the help but things have progressed I with my sister and a outside carer look after my mum who is 92 years old and has just been diagnosed with vascular dementia,she also suffers with sciatica.
We have the carer two days a week which is a god send as she is brilliant the main issue we have is mum will not accept help always says she wants to be alone ,she needs and gets 24 hour care between the 3 of us but as one of us comes in to take over we have to go through a whole routine of explaining why she has to have us their all the time and it can take hours for her to accept the situation.
The mood swings can be really bad and upsetting for her and the three of us .
She can really pick on my sister or the carer I she does the same about me to them.
We were in a farely good routine but now we are going backwards.
Any help would be much appreciated.

 

[canary]

My sister in law organised a similar rota for my Mother in law, but that fell apart after a while too.

Your mum is never going to understand that she needs help and every time you try to explain is like the very first time she has been told. It seems to be the change in who is caring that is the trigger. I'm wondering whether a care home may be better as there is more continuity

 

[Pacucho]

Hello Tony,
As canary said it's unlikely your mum will be able to understand why she needs the help, because of her dementia. Even if you explain it to her as you said, she's probably unable to process this.

Therefore, have you considered either not trying to explain or coming with some other reason (e.g. lovely to see you and like to spend a couple of days to enjoy your company).
Hope this helps,
Paco

 

[Rossi 1701]

Hello Tony,
As canary said it's unlikely your mum will be able to understand why she needs the help, because of her dementia. Even if you explain it to her as you said, she's probably unable to process this.

Therefore, have you considered either not trying to explain or coming with some other reason (e.g. lovely to see you and like to spend a couple of days to enjoy your company).
Hope this helps,
Paco

I think you are both right we have looked into putting her into a home but not yet .
Trying to change the subject or getting her attention on something else does help but some times when she is fixated on it it's very hard.
When she goes to the doctor or hospital for various checkups I have quite word with the doctor to explain to her that she needs us but it only lasts a day or two.
Thanks for the advice Tony

 

[sue31]

I think you are both right we have looked into putting her into a home but not yet .
Trying to change the subject or getting her attention on something else does help but some times when she is fixated on it it's very hard.
When she goes to the doctor or hospital for various checkups I have quite word with the doctor to explain to her that she needs us but it only lasts a day or two.
Thanks for the advice Tony

My mother was the same. Wanted no one & no help at all as there ‘was nothing wrong’ everything was as it should be.
If only it was!
She could be quite spiteful with things that she said, I knew it wasn’t her but the illness - it still stung tho.
We tried everything suggested on just about every website/leaflet available.
No way would she consider a care home - again she could manage everything herself. Despite the fact I did her washing, meals, shopping & finances she was convinced she did it all.
Social services were a total waste of time.
As there was no way of forcing extra care be it in her own home or residential it came to a minor, thankfully no injury fall that ended up with her attending hospital & being admitted. Then into an assessment placement. She hated it. I felt guilty I was putting her through it but it had to be. For her safety & our sanity.
It’s so hard to manage at this middle stage, reasoning doesn’t work at all & distraction works on occasion.
It’s a day by day which approach will work game, to get round the issues. Wish I could say it will improve for you - it didn’t for us 😔