Dealing with people who don’t care

[Bobthebuilder]

Hi All,

I am wondering how people deal with friends who don’t seem to understand the significance of what you are going through?

My father has early onset and has lost alot of weight. I’m so worried about covid and passing it to him, so much so that I’m not going out with my friends. I’m also not going out because my friends have been so unsympathetic to the situation and whist they have sent texts checking if I am ok, in my eyes it’s easy to send a text.

How do other people deal with people just being generally useless? I feel like cutting everyone out but I don’t have the energy to deal with the fall out.

Thanks so much

 

[Violet Jane]

I assume that you are in your 20s or 30s and that your friends are of a similar age. Many of them will have no or limited experience of dementia and won't be able to relate to what you are going through. They may not know what to say about your father but if they are still texting you to find out how you are they are showing that they care about you. I wouldn't cut them off if I were you. You need to have a life beyond your father's dementia.

I wonder whether you and your father are getting any support at all from family or Social Services. If not, please ask for help. It's too much for you to deal with your father's dementia on your own.

 

[CAL Y]

Hello @Bobthebuilder . My sympathy for your situation.
Unfortunately, dementia is something that we have to cope with with alone.
Dont be too hard on your friends. You will need them. Anyone who hasn’t experienced this will have no comprehension of what is is like to live with 24/7.
I wish you strength to deal with this..

 

[MartinWL]

Are your friends unsympathetic about your father's dementia or about your extreme caution relating to covid? As regards dementia I would suggest gaining support from friends by telling them a few anecdotes that illustrate the problems, but not to more than one person at a time and just drip feed understanding. Other people's illnesses are always boring so don't give them too much of it. I think we all know someone who tells us far too much detail about a medical problem when we are interested in a short summary. But storytelling might work. I agree with @Violet Jane that you must make sure you have a life beyond his dementia.

 

[Lawson58]

The only people who really understand are those who have had first hand experience of dementia. You can tell people about events and incidences and their response is usually related to general forgetfulness without any appreciation that dementia is a whole lot more complicated than that.

My closest friends are those who are currently dealing with a relative who has Alzheimer’s or have done so in the past. I would hope that there is someone amongst your friends who has some understanding and can support you. You will find that younger people will have nothing in common with you any more and that’s when it gets hard to sustain relationships and friendships.

I am really sorry that you have to go through this experience. Life has a habit of throwing up some pretty awful things at times and finding the way through it all can be a traumatic experience.

 

[Grannie G]

Whenever I feel people back away from dementia I ask myself how much understanding did I have when I wasn`t closely involved.

A lot of backing away is through fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. A little bit more is not wanting to become too involved.

It isn`t only the younger people who seem less than sympathetic. This forum is full of evidence of the isolation of caring for a person with dementia.

@Bobthebuilder . Don`t cut anyone out who is in contact with you even if it is only by text. Let them be drip fed with the way you are living as a carer. Some of your friends and contacts may slowly realise the struggle you are having although I doubt any will know it as it really is.

 

[irishwill]

Sound advice from everybody here @Bobthebuilder. Keep your friends close. That text from a friend - just because they are your friend can be so supportive when things seem difficult. It doesn't sound to me like your friends are unsympathetic just unsure about how to support you. You don't know what pains they have experienced in their own lives and your situation may be triggering something in them. Give them the opportunity to be the best that they can be and most will be.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Unless they have been through similar themseves, they are not going to understand unless you tell them.

So tell them what it's like and what support you'd like from them or what they can do to help you. They can't read your mind and automatically know what to do. Give them a chance and tell them how you're feeling - you may be pleasantly surprised by their reaction.