Dealing with Demonic Parents

[Kent]

Hi, I am very new to talking point and have never reached out for support on-line. I'm very frustrated with parents in their early 90's. Both are in a very nice care facility close to my home and I visit them 3-4 times a week. They are very well taken care of physically. The facility meets all of their ADLs and they are feed well. Activities are provided but neither are interested in participating.
My father is very negative and is always unhappy. Nothing seems to please him. His short-term memory is nonexistent and repeats the same thing over and over like it's ground hogs day. He's 94
My MODEST Godly mother now cusses like a sailor and frequently exposes herself and touches others inappropriately. Because of both of there behaviors it makes it torturous to visit. I have grown children that love the grandparents they use to be but don't want to visit and see them in their current state of mental health. I don't want to see them either and feel guilty for those feelings. If this is how it's going to be then I truly believe that there are things that are worse than death.

They each wear a GPS around their neck at all times should they need anything but neither can remember to push the button on the GPS. Instead they call my cell phone 6-8 times a day and I then call the nurses station. I work full-time and its effecting my business. I can't leave because I feel guilty for leaving them. It's effected every relationship in life. How do I deal with this? Am I going to be miserable the rest of their life. I don't know what to do or how to deal with this situation. My wife and both daughters are trying to be supportive but they can't fix my feelings. I hate seeing my parents deteriorate to the people they are now. It's killing me.

 

[Would be cellist]

I have read your post with interest and sympathy. I too have parents in homes, 93 and 94. Until mum had a stroke in November, they were together, but that home could not supply nursing care. In fact mum is ok as she is not being completely dominated by dad. She has Alzheimer’s and is very repetitive but normally quite positive. I wonder if your dad takes donepesil, as I have noticed when mums care home ran out of it she became more cross and unhappy. Since her stroke she is now confined to a wheelchair and needs feeding, so I have been visiting the care home twice daily. It has been life changing, but fortunately I am retired. I take dad to visit on sundays. Last Sunday mum spent most of the time saying take me home to him.. dad is quite deaf, and I think the home she means is her childhood one. Dad kept assuring her that he was going to do his best to get her out of this place, although her new home meets her needs much better. So two different conversations with no awareness. Sorry I can’t offer any better advice for your situation.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Kent and @Would be cellist

you’ve come to a place where people will understand your feelings and I hope it will help to get them out.

Unfortunately the behaviours you’ve described are common to dementia sufferers - apathy, inappropriately touching and undressing, and constantly asking to go home (even when they are at home).

@Kent could you ask that the phone is removed, or access to it allowed only at times when you’re not at work. The carehome should be looking out for your parents and I’m sure they’ll continue to care for them well. Perhaps have a discussion with the manager to see how else they can deal with your parents inability to ask for help (something else that is common to PWD)

As you’re visiting so frequently you’ll notice any problems straight away and once you’re happy that everything is being properly managed perhaps visiting less frequently would help with your stress levels.

Now that you’ve found us I hope you’ll both continue to post.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Kent

You know enough to realise your parents cannot be held responsible for their behaviour and so the only person who can help make life a bit more bearable for you is you yourself.

I agree with @Bunpoots it will help if your parents have less access to a phone. Perhaps it could be disabled in some way.

I also agree it might help if you reduce your visits. You may feel you should visit so often whether out of love or out of duty, but as long as you are assured they are receiving good quality care, it might help you to wonder if their quality of life improved by the frequency of these visits? If not, you can visit less frequently with an easy mind.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi, I am very new to talking point and have never reached out for support on-line. I'm very frustrated with parents in their early 90's. Both are in a very nice care facility close to my home and I visit them 3-4 times a week. They are very well taken care of physically. The facility meets all of their ADLs and they are feed well. Activities are provided but neither are interested in participating.
My father is very negative and is always unhappy. Nothing seems to please him. His short-term memory is nonexistent and repeats the same thing over and over like it's ground hogs day. He's 94
My MODEST Godly mother now cusses like a sailor and frequently exposes herself and touches others inappropriately. Because of both of there behaviors it makes it torturous to visit. I have grown children that love the grandparents they use to be but don't want to visit and see them in their current state of mental health. I don't want to see them either and feel guilty for those feelings. If this is how it's going to be then I truly believe that there are things that are worse than death.

They each wear a GPS around their neck at all times should they need anything but neither can remember to push the button on the GPS. Instead they call my cell phone 6-8 times a day and I then call the nurses station. I work full-time and its effecting my business. I can't leave because I feel guilty for leaving them. It's effected every relationship in life. How do I deal with this? Am I going to be miserable the rest of their life. I don't know what to do or how to deal with this situation. My wife and both daughters are trying to be supportive but they can't fix my feelings. I hate seeing my parents deteriorate to the people they are now. It's killing me.

When my mother-in-law was in a care home, my husband refused to take any calls from his mother. The only calls he took was from care home staff. She didn't have access to a mobile, but the care home were told that if she asked to use the home's phone, it was to be denied and if her voice came on when the care home number came up on his mobile, he would hang up. We used to get numerous calls from her when she was in her own home, screaming and shouting, so there was no way he was going to be subjected to this behaviour when staff were on hand. He visited only once a week and then for half an hour just before dinner.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

It’s so hard, but you need to live a life to
This really is a case as do as I say & not as I do !!
Hard to do but totally necessary
((((Hugs)))))

 

[canary]

Hi @Kent , some of the words and phrases you used make me think that you are not in UK, but perhaps are somewhere like US?
I know that they have a different system of care in US and dont have things that are exactly the same as our care homes. In your parents care facility, are they being observed to make sure that they are OK, or are they expected to contact someone themselves if there is a problem? Their present place meets their physical needs, but what about their mental ones? Your parents are now at the stage that they need someone with them 24/7.

Please acept my apologies if I have got that wrong