I haven't post for a while and those who already know me will know the background that Mum and I have never got on as she's always been short-fused, narcissistic and a hypochondriac, so obviously these traits are even more profound now she has AD. Afraid its a case of the boy who cried wolf as I can no longer separate the AD Mum from the one I've always known whose self-absorbed and had something wrong with her every day of her life! However, she is now crying every evening. When she isn't crying she just moans at me all day, every day and as I only live next door feel I cannot escape (I appreciate this is even more difficult for those T.P'ers who live with the person they care for). I'll ring the GP surgery in the morning to see if he can prescribe her with some anti-depressants as the Memory Clinic, 4 months ago on their last visit, referred Mum back to her GP again. Mum is now housebound, her walking with her frame is now extremely slow, she is hardly eating anything (even refusing her favourites) and wants to die. Although I don't love my Mum (sorry, but I never have), I always do my very best for her, but am now at a loss of what else I can do to help her. Any suggestions welcome.
Crying all the time and grumbling and moaning constantly
- Thread starter SueShell
- Start date
I think getting the GP in and also getting her checked for utis is the way to go. Sounds a difficult time.
if as you say you don't love your mum. why be so concerned ?. think you really do. we only have 1 mum/dad. past is past. hope this helps.
Because they might have be your mum in blood, but not a mum..... And now this mum is a vulnerable person who you know well. you can't help yourself helping/supporting a vulnerable person you know well....
The past is past. Memories, good or bad are based on the past.... A vulnerable person is now. You can't just walk away from a vulnerable person you know.
Well I can't.
The past is past. Memories, good or bad are based on the past.... A vulnerable person is now. You can't just walk away from a vulnerable person you know.
Well I can't.
Mothers
"if as you say you don't love your mum. why be so concerned ?. think you really do. we only have 1 mum/dad. past is past. hope this helps"
Hi Sue Shell, I understand your feelings completely. I care about what happens to my mother a great deal. She is vulnerable and needs me BUT she was neglectful of us as children, allowed us to be abused so the love died long ago. In my head I have forgiven her but that does not mean that love returns. The past is the past BUT family relationships are complex and that complexity does not go out of the door when dementia rushes in.
It seems a taboo in society to be honest about our feelings. It is presumed that a mother is always a wonderful mother, but not so!
I think it is brilliant that you do what you do to support your mother, not easy.
"if as you say you don't love your mum. why be so concerned ?. think you really do. we only have 1 mum/dad. past is past. hope this helps"
Hi Sue Shell, I understand your feelings completely. I care about what happens to my mother a great deal. She is vulnerable and needs me BUT she was neglectful of us as children, allowed us to be abused so the love died long ago. In my head I have forgiven her but that does not mean that love returns. The past is the past BUT family relationships are complex and that complexity does not go out of the door when dementia rushes in.
It seems a taboo in society to be honest about our feelings. It is presumed that a mother is always a wonderful mother, but not so!
I think it is brilliant that you do what you do to support your mother, not easy.
Feel so sad for you Sueshell, you are doing the best for a hard to love Mum and this is admirable. Not sure if I could manage to do it. Good wishes x
I wouldn't worry whether or not you feel you love your mum. You feel as you do, as a result of a lifetime of words and deeds. But you are in a situation of being her carer, until you choose to stop. If necessary, think of it as a job you do just now. You can still treat her with care and respect as a human being in need, which Im sure you do
DDurbride : I do it because she gave life to me and as there is absolutely no one else in the world to care for her, I just can' walk away! If you were in my situation then, could you walk away because if you could you are much harder person than me!
You have all my sympathy - the tears and the moans are the main feature of My Mil, who lives with us and who I am the primary carer for, and though I love her dearly, its is so emotionally and mentally draining to have the background sound of tears/sighs/complaints for hours on end. Especially when you know you have tried EVERYTHING to try and support, reassure, comfort and calm, and nothing has worked. She starts the day in tears, and some days, there is no respite from it all day.
The CPN and consultant have tried really hard to come up with a medication regime that will ease her (and my) distress, and sad to say, nothing is helping - I'm told its just the way it is for her, and all I can do is wait for the phase to pass - if it ever does.
As I said, I do love my Mil - prior to this horrible condition, she and I were pretty good friends. Given your relationship with your Mum, it must be so much harder for you to cope with than for me, I really admire you for sticking at it xxxx
The CPN and consultant have tried really hard to come up with a medication regime that will ease her (and my) distress, and sad to say, nothing is helping - I'm told its just the way it is for her, and all I can do is wait for the phase to pass - if it ever does.
As I said, I do love my Mil - prior to this horrible condition, she and I were pretty good friends. Given your relationship with your Mum, it must be so much harder for you to cope with than for me, I really admire you for sticking at it xxxx
SueShell,
I think DDurbridge meant to say that you are concerned and perhaps that is love of sorts. I think she was trying to be supportive.
:
I admire you Sue Shell, and this brought a tear to my eye. You are doing your best for your mum despite the past.
xx
I think DDurbridge meant to say that you are concerned and perhaps that is love of sorts. I think she was trying to be supportive.
:
I admire you Sue Shell, and this brought a tear to my eye. You are doing your best for your mum despite the past.
xx
I know how you feel to a point
I dont love my Mum. We have never had a good relationship but never a bad one. I kinda felt i brought myself up as she was so consumed with my sister who was a 'badun'. My Mum lives with us and there is no love or friendship. It is a duty to look after her. One that i take seriously as if she wasnt related but its hard. She resents me, has a vicious tongue and is mentally cruel. She hates my husband with a passion. No matter what i do for her its always 'me me me'. The world revolves around her. She has always been this way.She rejects everything i do for her but she needs me. There is no-one else.
As for suggestions, i am sorry but i feel that no matter what, she will throw it back. You may need a break. Are you in a position to get help while you go away?
I dont love my Mum. We have never had a good relationship but never a bad one. I kinda felt i brought myself up as she was so consumed with my sister who was a 'badun'. My Mum lives with us and there is no love or friendship. It is a duty to look after her. One that i take seriously as if she wasnt related but its hard. She resents me, has a vicious tongue and is mentally cruel. She hates my husband with a passion. No matter what i do for her its always 'me me me'. The world revolves around her. She has always been this way.She rejects everything i do for her but she needs me. There is no-one else.
As for suggestions, i am sorry but i feel that no matter what, she will throw it back. You may need a break. Are you in a position to get help while you go away?
Hi Sue, going back to the original post for a moment....could the moans and groans be a) habit or b) pain?
If you can get a couple of paracetamols or even older child parcetamol syrup into her it might help to keep any aches and pains at bay ( always assuming she can take paraceamol but they also do an ibroprufen one as well).
If it's habit....well ....grin and bear it and go and knock hell out of the pillows on the bed!
As for why you do it.......you do it because you are a nice person......simples!
If you can get a couple of paracetamols or even older child parcetamol syrup into her it might help to keep any aches and pains at bay ( always assuming she can take paraceamol but they also do an ibroprufen one as well).
If it's habit....well ....grin and bear it and go and knock hell out of the pillows on the bed!
As for why you do it.......you do it because you are a nice person......simples!
Thanks everyone for your support and caring. Today her new armchair arrived, it's lovely, really comfy, much higher than her old one to make it easier for her to get up from the armchair to her zimmer frame. Does she like it, of course not - she hates it! It was really expensive as well, these elderly high armchairs always are expensive. She's not in any pain, she just enjoys moaning all day, every day, she was like this pre AD. The only difference is I HAVE to go in and take care of her whereas before AD I saw her when I had to. Aaarrrhgg! I call her moany Minnie, Minnie moan, and sing a little song to myself whilst in the kitchen making her a cup of tea. 'Moany Minnie, Minnie moan, she moans all day and moans all night and moans and moans and moans. Sue xx
Sue xxThis worsened after she came back from her respite week, didn't it? Did you work out whether she would really like to be in residential care full-time? If so, is there any way you could engineer getting her into care? Then she'd be happier and you'd be happier too.
That's pretty much my relationship with my mum, although she's now in a CH.
Mum can continue a moan no matter what else you are doing, we can be out somewhere & she still moans, just intersperses it with "Oh I like this or that" but then recoils in horror at the price (not that she can make head or tail of the price any more)
& on she goes.
I sing "Your tiny hand is frozen" in my head (Mimi, from La Boheme )
You have to keep your sanity as best you can
Lin x
Owly, she's forgotten she was even at Respite, but she does say she should go into a care home now. However, and this is a very big however, if I did try and arrange this you bet your life she'd refuse to go! I would be happier visiting her (at least then I can breath a sigh of relief (and sorrow) when I walked out the CH and had a life of my own), but doubt SS will allow as she's not self-funding. The only way I'm ever going to be able to stop caring for her is when she dies or when I totally crack up, pack a suitcase and leave the country then its over to SS! Sue xx
I think you are doing a great job Sue.
We don't have to love the people who gave birth to us.
Love happens with mutual respect and caring but when it happens you would die for that person.
Sadly the link between you and your mum got broken.
You are doing a marvelous job and don't feel guilty at all about your feelings. Better out than in I say. Don't let others , particularly SS try to lay the guilt on you either..
You are your own person and you have a choice over whatever decisions you make.
How much or how little you decide to do is up to you.
Only when we liberate ourselves from the guilt society lays on us Can we be truly free .
Just had a thought...why not tell us something nice about your mum.
We don't have to love the people who gave birth to us.
Love happens with mutual respect and caring but when it happens you would die for that person.
Sadly the link between you and your mum got broken.
You are doing a marvelous job and don't feel guilty at all about your feelings. Better out than in I say. Don't let others , particularly SS try to lay the guilt on you either..
You are your own person and you have a choice over whatever decisions you make.
How much or how little you decide to do is up to you.
Only when we liberate ourselves from the guilt society lays on us Can we be truly free .
Just had a thought...why not tell us something nice about your mum.
Trying very hard to think of something nice about my Mum, but I can't. I've really tried to love her, but I can't do that either! My Dad died suddenly and quite unexpectedly when I was 32 - I was totally devastated. I would have died for him, I absolutely adored him, but even in every old picture I've seen you will always see me with my Dad, holding me when I was a small baby, carrying me on his shoulders when I was a toddler, he put me to bed every night, we had the same interests and the same personality. I have never seen a picture of me with my Mum, she's never kissed me, never said she loves me, says it all, doesn't it? Now she needs me. Sue
Thanks everyone for your support and caring. Today her new armchair arrived, it's lovely, really comfy, much higher than her old one to make it easier for her to get up from the armchair to her zimmer frame. Does she like it, of course not - she hates it! It was really expensive as well, these elderly high armchairs always are expensive. She's not in any pain, she just enjoys moaning all day, every day, she was like this pre AD. The only difference is I HAVE to go in and take care of her whereas before AD I saw her when I had to. Aaarrrhgg! I call her moany Minnie, Minnie moan, and sing a little song to myself whilst in the kitchen making her a cup of tea. 'Moany Minnie, Minnie moan, she moans all day and moans all night and moans and moans and moans.
Hi Sue shell, I do feel for you, My moms the same moany Minnie that's a good one.
You must send me what you sing LOL. I sing that McFLY song " ITS ALL ABOUT YOU! sorry but it keeps me sane at times. Look it up on you tube if you can. Its quite catchy. LOL The difference is my mom can walk still, and attended her church this morning 1/06/2014, While she was out I scrubbed the bathroom, the floor which was tiled hadn't been mopped for weeks and no kidding was thick with dust, It looked lovely when I finished a smelt great. Mom doesn't let me do house work and I think its because she doesn't want to admit a three bedroomed house is far to much for her.
I also prepared dinner and was cooking it when she came home. After we had eaten I cut a cream cake into three, she put out for dessert incase my son turns for his dinner and pudding too. She kicked off, I wasn't her daughter cutting the pudding, I wasn't her daughter later in her lounge, She shouted so loud I thought the neighbours may ring to find out what was going on.
I did try to reassure her with, Don't worry mom, they all love you and wont hurt you. She went ballistic I though I was going to be hit. I told her that me and the other ladies she thinks I am, Don't want to be spoken to like that. That was meet with IT'S MY HOUSE I DO WHAT I LIKE. shouting at the top of her voice and banging her hands on door so hard I thought the glass would smash. I soon left to catch my bus home.
I cooked the dinner she made the gravy and dished up.as we wouldn't get any meal before 4PM, if I didn't prepare it while she is at church. Oh! and she does a lot for me, and I should be so grateful for the one meal and dessert she provides me once a week. I have to pay when we go out, fully sometimes and on Saturday nights take one of those meals for two from M a S, and tidy up behind her back, she hoards mail from years ago and I have managed to destroy that, or she will ring up and say she wants me to go round to sort this letter, when I get there its got 2003 date on it. So when she's out at church destroy all old bills etc. Hence today I feel upset, as anything ME her daughter.( THEY or HER as I'm called, when she forgets who I am or what I look like,) does ! isn't good enough! Moan! moan! moan,! How she can go to church and come home and treat her daughter or people she thinks are strangers to her beats me. I'm at home with a glass of wine as I write this, leaving her no dirty things to wash. Cheers!!!!!! to all SJcares.
Last edited:
Similar threads
