Coping with verbal abuse and hostility

[Clematislover]

My husband has mixed dementia - Vascular and Alzheimer’s- he was diagnosed earlier this year but has had worsening symptoms and noticeable memory loss for several years. We have ok days and upsetting ones. As his condition has worsened, he’s become very hostile and verbally abusive to me. He shouts and swears, comes at me with clenched fists and shoves into me. This week he’s hit me on the head with a magazine. These outbursts occur if I just have a different opinion to him on something quite trivial, or complain when he does something I asked him not to do - like cut back a houseplant I was trying to grow . He rarely apologises - and eventually the situation blows over and I have to ignore the hurt it has caused. We’ve been married over 51 years and he has many special talents and great qualities, but has always been quite volatile and competitive.

I feel sad for him but not sure how much more of this I can take.
Any ideas how I can improve the situation?

 

[Knitandpurl]

I found “compassionate communication “ helpful. I’m sure someone else with better tech skills than me can put a copy on for you. Lots of useful advice, one of the principle bits is try to never disagree with them about anything, mms, aahs, pursed mouth nods, silence, change of topic, outright lies, diversion etc etc. it gets easier with practice…. I find with my husband that the more trivial it is the more likely he is to get annoyed. I’ve tried to move/ put away ornaments etc that really matter to me so they don’t get broken, and not to care so much about all the things he breaks, damages etc, My daughter is a good ear for me and hugger for incidents such as him pulling down all my beautiful pinky white clematis; No point in saying anything to him - he told me he’d been tidying the garden. This forum is a lifeline for having a good rant on. You need to look out for your own safety though, have a safe place to go (bathroom/car), and if aggression/violence gets worse you need to speak to the GP or your Mental Health Team or Memory Clinic. In my case my husband is generally a lot calmer and nicer now than in the early days, but this is due to me changing and learning how to deal with him, rather than anything else.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to
The forum @Clematislover. I’m so sorry to read about your situation.

@Knitandpurl gives good advice about keeping yourself safe.

Here’s the link they mentioned.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

I’m glad you’ve found this forum. You’ll always find understanding and support here.

 

[cymbid]

I found “compassionate communication “ helpful. I’m sure someone else with better tech skills than me can put a copy on for you. Lots of useful advice, one of the principle bits is try to never disagree with them about anything, mms, aahs, pursed mouth nods, silence, change of topic, outright lies, diversion etc etc. it gets easier with practice…. I find with my husband that the more trivial it is the more likely he is to get annoyed. I’ve tried to move/ put away ornaments etc that really matter to me so they don’t get broken, and not to care so much about all the things he breaks, damages etc, My daughter is a good ear for me and hugger for incidents such as him pulling down all my beautiful pinky white clematis; No point in saying anything to him - he told me he’d been tidying the garden. This forum is a lifeline for having a good rant on. You need to look out for your own safety though, have a safe place to go (bathroom/car), and if aggression/violence gets worse you need to speak to the GP or your Mental Health Team or Memory Clinic. In my case my husband is generally a lot calmer and nicer now than in the early days, but this is due to me changing and learning how to deal with him, rather than anything else.

that sounds like the advice a victim of domestic abuse would get. Dont argue, never contradict . Tiptoe round him on egg shells. And if he wallops you well , you know , he didnt mean it. Trust me , Ive been there. It makes you feel worthless , and stupid , and like an object not a person

 

[jennifer1967]

you could ask your doctor for something to calm him down. may need a referral to older peoples mental health. my husband was getting aggressive and ordering and talking down to me. used to throw things at one point. they gave him memantine. hes been taking it for about 3 years and it has curbed the aggression. he still has his moments but he is so much easier than he was.
make sure you have a charged mobile on you all the time and go to a room with a lock if need be. dont be scared to phone the police, they are experienced in dealing with these situations.

 

[Alisongs]

My husband has mixed dementia - Vascular and Alzheimer’s- he was diagnosed earlier this year but has had worsening symptoms and noticeable memory loss for several years. We have ok days and upsetting ones. As his condition has worsened, he’s become very hostile and verbally abusive to me. He shouts and swears, comes at me with clenched fists and shoves into me. This week he’s hit me on the head with a magazine. These outbursts occur if I just have a different opinion to him on something quite trivial, or complain when he does something I asked him not to do - like cut back a houseplant I was trying to grow . He rarely apologises - and eventually the situation blows over and I have to ignore the hurt it has caused. We’ve been married over 51 years and he has many special talents and great qualities, but has always been quite volatile and competitive.

I feel sad for him but not sure how much more of this I can take.
Any ideas how I can improve the situation?

Not at all sure about Compassionate Communication. I read a book by someone who advocated this for supporting dementia victims, and it was taken to extremes, so that everyone in contact with the dementia victim had to subscribe to and live in that particular dementia world, subsuming their own thoughts, feelings, wishes, opinions and activities 247 365. If you are a sole carer, you disappear as a person. Dementia victim or not, their violence and abuse is against the law. I got the same treatment from my husband. I took the viewpoint that he was no longer (capable of) observing his marital vows. Vows which are a mutual two way street. Don't put up with the potential for, or actual, violence and abuse. Report any such occasion to the Social Services Crisis team. It is a safeguarding issue for both of you.
We're all so busy coping with Dementia World, our sense of self, and our self respect gets warped and destroyed. You are a wife, a woman, an adult, a person, not just a carer or a punch bag.
Make a safety plan, have a bag of overnight things, and a fully charged mobile, and if you feel threatened, put yourself in a safe place (locked loo, locked car, neighbour's house, bus shelter down the road) and get help. Domestic violence can kill. My husband put his hands round my throat. I nearly hit him. I reported myself to Social Services and the support workers we had at the time. He's since ended up in hospital as he has three chronic conditions, and he's going into a nursing home as one of his conditions now needs constant nursing supervision. He won't be coming home, it will cost a fortune, but life is priceless

 

[Knitandpurl]

that sounds like the advice a victim of domestic abuse would get. Dont argue, never contradict . Tiptoe round him on egg shells. And if he wallops you well , you know , he didnt mean it. Trust me , Ive been there. It makes you feel worthless , and stupid , and like an object not a person

Yes, I did a post once titled “where am I”.

 

[Lawson58]

This has always been my beef with compassionate communication, that there are limits to how this works but if you take it to the nth degree, it can be harmful to the carer who may not know where ‘healthy’ starts and ‘unhealthy’ begins.

If you take it to the extreme, compassionate communication can remove any sense of empowerment or agency from a carer. I will ask my husband if he wishes to attend an event or a family celebration, simply an either/or question but I refuse to engage in any sort of argument or dispute. Distraction rarely works with my husband but not always.

I have the firm belief that many PWD instinctively understand that there’s a payback in this sort of communication that leads to them to being manipulative which is hard to deal with. It really can be a fight to hang on to what is you are as a person but compassionate communication can undermine that sense of self to a destructive level.

I am not an unkind person and fulfil my caring duties with responsibility but after years of caring for my husband, I refuse to allow his diagnosis rob me of my own sense me as a human being.

 

[karaokePete]

This has always been my beef with compassionate communication, that there are limits to how this works but if you take it to the nth degree, it can be harmful to the carer who may not know where ‘healthy’ starts and ‘unhealthy’ begins.

If you take it to the extreme, compassionate communication can remove any sense of empowerment or agency from a carer. I will ask my husband if he wishes to attend an event or a family celebration, simply an either/or question but I refuse to engage in any sort of argument or dispute. Distraction rarely works with my husband but not always.

I have the firm belief that many PWD instinctively understand that there’s a payback in this sort of communication that leads to them to being manipulative which is hard to deal with. It really can be a fight to hang on to what is you are as a person but compassionate communication can undermine that sense of self to a destructive level.

I am not an unkind person and fulfil my caring duties with responsibility but after years of caring for my husband, I refuse to allow his diagnosis rob me of my own sense me as a human being.

I agree with much of this.

Years ago I used to quote the compassionate communication thread to people and state that it contained some good points but was impossible to follow 100%. I did find its advice helpful in many instances.

In the end we have to come to the conclusion that the disease is not a get out of jail free card and remind everyone involved in our cases that the carer also counts.

Some weeks back my wife attacked me while I was trying to get her washed. It was quite a job to get her off me and the incident shocked me. Knowing that a person with dementia is unlikely to recall the facts of the case but that they can read body language and recall emotions I used my tongue to give my wife the rollicking of her life and then gave her silent treatment for the rest of the day. She has been good as gold ever since. When I next speak to the social workers or the Consultant my wife will be reported and respite will be requested - she won't like that but has herself to blame(no get out of jail card!).

Caring is tough enough without having to accept violence.

 

[Alisongs]

This has always been my beef with compassionate communication, that there are limits to how this works but if you take it to the nth degree, it can be harmful to the carer who may not know where ‘healthy’ starts and ‘unhealthy’ begins.

If you take it to the extreme, compassionate communication can remove any sense of empowerment or agency from a carer. I will ask my husband if he wishes to attend an event or a family celebration, simply an either/or question but I refuse to engage in any sort of argument or dispute. Distraction rarely works with my husband but not always.

I have the firm belief that many PWD instinctively understand that there’s a payback in this sort of communication that leads to them to being manipulative which is hard to deal with. It really can be a fight to hang on to what is you are as a person but compassionate communication can undermine that sense of self to a destructive level.

I am not an unkind person and fulfil my caring duties with responsibility but after years of caring for my husband, I refuse to allow his diagnosis rob me of my own sense me as a human being.

I certainly agree my OH still understands "payback" and "manipulative". They are survival responses. His excuse is always "you've got to understand I'm ill". Guilt tripping is neither appropriate nor pretty

 

[jennifer1967]

i always say that there are a lot of things he cant do but there are still lots of things he can do so dont expect me to wait on him when he can do it himself.

 

[Lawson58]

I agree with much of this.

Years ago I used to quote the compassionate communication thread to people and state that it contained some good points but was impossible to follow 100%. I did find its advice helpful in many instances.

In the end we have to come to the conclusion that the disease is not a get out of jail free card and remind everyone involved in our cases that the carer also counts.

Some weeks back my wife attacked me while I was trying to get her washed. It was quite a job to get her off me and the incident shocked me. Knowing that a person with dementia is unlikely to recall the facts of the case but that they can read body language and recall emotions I used my tongue to give my wife the rollicking of her life and then gave her silent treatment for the rest of the day. She has been good as gold ever since. When I next speak to the social workers or the Consultant my wife will be reported and respite will be requested - she won't like that but has herself to blame(no get out of jail card!).

Caring is tough enough without having to accept violence.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and I hope that you get that respite. My husband always looks surprised when I refuse to cooperate or accept his abuse. The thing that I know is that once I decided that I really could say ’NO’ and made my intentions clear, my husband‘s response to me has improved a lot. Not perfect but a whole lot better.

I think that when someone has dementia, we are expected to cajole and coerce them to get them to cooperate but I think that requires so much energy that it must be exhausting.