My father and I care for my mother who has Alzheimer’s (diagnosed 13 months ago). I live in an annexe to their house in a very small village and I am not working. My Mother is very affectionate with my father and really appreciates him, however she seems to resent me being around and caring for her. My father needs some care too as he has very bad legs and can’t get up the stairs easily, so they need me around. Whatever I say or do my Mum says I’m patronising her. If I ask her if she needs help getting dressed (which she does) she will immediately interpret this as criticism. She refuses to wash properly and won’t let me help. However, if I am not around to help she complains and wants to know where I am! She complains when I use the washing machine because she needs it ( which she doesn’t, as I do all the household laundry). I hug and kiss her but she never shows me any affection back. Intellectually I know it’s her dementia and difficulty with giving up control but emotionally I’m finding it hard to cope. I am hardwired to please my mother and nothing I do pleases her! I keep telling myself that I m not the important one here, she is, but I am a couple of years out of a bad bout of depression and I’m only just hanging on!
Coping with lack of affection from Mother
- Thread starter Alibags
- Start date
Hi @Alibags and welcome to posting on the Forum. I am sorry to hear about your mother and how she reacts to you but I am not surprised. People with dementia often take their frustrations out on those who care for and help them most. They don't accept that there is anything wrong or that they need help with the basics of daily living. There's not much you can do other than accept it for what it is - an unfortunate element of dementia. And when it gets too much, relieve some stress by coming back here where you'll be understood and supported.
It's true that you won't be able to change your mother's behaviour or hope to get any affections and appreciation from her. You are caring for your father too, would he be open to listening to you and giving you some emotional support? You say you are hardwired to please your mother - it sounds as if there was a lot of pressure on you as a child to do that. Did you ever succeed, even when she didn't have dementia?
Welcome.
The problem with dementia is that most of the people who suffer with disease have little or no insight into their condition and think that when things aren’t as they they should be, they blame it on someone else.
I discovered fairly early in caring for my husband that asking him a question was just about always going to result in a NO. So I had to find a way to tackle the problem to get things done and what worked for me was to speak in a conversational voice but with simple clear instructions. So if he had a doctor’s appointment, I would wake him telling him that as we have to leave at a certain time, then he needed to be up and showered, and dressed then he could have breakfast. I never asked if he wanted help with dressing or showering, I just let him assume that I would be there supervising. It took time to get it right but mostly it worked.
And arguing with a person is a pretty bad idea too because you will never win.
I am sure that there will be others along with more advice for you . Good luck.
The problem with dementia is that most of the people who suffer with disease have little or no insight into their condition and think that when things aren’t as they they should be, they blame it on someone else.
I discovered fairly early in caring for my husband that asking him a question was just about always going to result in a NO. So I had to find a way to tackle the problem to get things done and what worked for me was to speak in a conversational voice but with simple clear instructions. So if he had a doctor’s appointment, I would wake him telling him that as we have to leave at a certain time, then he needed to be up and showered, and dressed then he could have breakfast. I never asked if he wanted help with dressing or showering, I just let him assume that I would be there supervising. It took time to get it right but mostly it worked.
And arguing with a person is a pretty bad idea too because you will never win.
I am sure that there will be others along with more advice for you . Good luck.
I did used to manage to please her - we used to do a lot together and we’ve travelled together all over the world. I lived in Hong Kong for 20 years and she loved to see me. `however, she used to be quite critical and liked to control her environment - a primary headteacher and very good at it. I think it’s down to this being her home and it must be very difficult for her to be no longer able to take care of everything.
I have learned with my mother in law not to give her choices as, like you, she responds as though I'm criticising her. It took a while but I've found that a cheery instruction that makes it seems like something is her idea is the way to do it. E.g. you wanted me to help you get dressed so let's do that, or, you wanted me to remind you to take your pills...I'll get those for you now, or, you said it's hard for you to run the bath and get your back washed so I'll get the bath ready and you can tell me what you would like me to do to help you. It seems that if I make it about something that she's said she wants that she responds well to it. Just a thought.
Hi @Alibags . You are just as important as your mother so please look after yourself too. If you go down who will be there for your parents?
I wonder if this might help. I found it useful when looking after my dad (also an ex teacher and used to being in control!)
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
I wonder if this might help. I found it useful when looking after my dad (also an ex teacher and used to being in control!)
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
