If anyone can offer advice I would be so grateful. We are a small close family of 3 who have cared and loved our dad/my grandad for 10 years, supported him Each and every daily. Grandads dementia progressed and he began roaming out to our Town centre, he become obsessed with visiting his bank. We could not keep him safe. We had extra carers going in but still would not stay in. The door was alarmed and we knew exactly when he went out and it became so stressful in coaxing him off The bus or searching the streets for him. We decided to put him in on a nursing home 3 weeks ago, all family are burnt out with the worry of him. It’s heartbreaking, due to COVID rules we are unable to visit. He has spent the whole 3 weeks in the reception area with a packed case, coat and bag on waiting to go out ?. Not understanding be here he is. The home are reporting he is saying he has no family. This home is not allowing no visitors nor providing and outside facilities to see our love ones. Spoke to grandad yesterday and he was crying saying please take me home. What do I do, I’m torn, I don’t think he can go on without seeing his family for however many months? Do I bring him home with Full time carers, I’m heartbroken, I can’t sleep due worrying about him - if I bring him home will we be back in the sameposition, him roaming and getting in unsafe situations. My other worry is my own mum and dad who support him are also getting on 68 and 70 who I worry about. X
Care home/heartbroken
- Thread starter Nicash
- Start date
He lives in his own flat (he is 89) I live 5 mins in car away. This care home don’t have any plans as yet for visiting.. I can understand we are still in local lockdown so I can’t see a light at the end of this tunnel anywhere .. but as a family we all too are not coping with not checking that he is well .. it’s so difficult.
Hello @Nicash
Do you think your grandad was safe in his own home?
It sounds as if with the best will in the world and as much care as you could provide he was still at risk.
This is why you made the painful decision for residential care.
I understand how difficult it is for the family but ask yourself if he is better being safe and provided for 24/7 or wandering the streets and vulnerable.
There are few easy transitions from own home to care home and those of us who have experienced it feel for you. My mother thought I had sent her to Spain because the suitcase I packed was the one she used for her holidays.
With hindsight for you and a note for others not yet having this stressful and very upsetting experience; please do not let those with dementia see any of the paraphernalia needed for the move. If possible move all possessions before the person with dementia is being admitted to residential care.
I hope your granddad will settle eventually Nicash and you`ll all have some peace of mind.
Do you think your grandad was safe in his own home?
It sounds as if with the best will in the world and as much care as you could provide he was still at risk.
This is why you made the painful decision for residential care.
I understand how difficult it is for the family but ask yourself if he is better being safe and provided for 24/7 or wandering the streets and vulnerable.
There are few easy transitions from own home to care home and those of us who have experienced it feel for you. My mother thought I had sent her to Spain because the suitcase I packed was the one she used for her holidays.
With hindsight for you and a note for others not yet having this stressful and very upsetting experience; please do not let those with dementia see any of the paraphernalia needed for the move. If possible move all possessions before the person with dementia is being admitted to residential care.
I hope your granddad will settle eventually Nicash and you`ll all have some peace of mind.
Harsh as this may seem, care homes exist for a reason. When people get to the point at which they are unsafe at home or cannot be cared for properly at home, it is the best solution whether the PWD wants it or not. Yes it can be heartbreaking. It seems cruel. But you have to put the person's best interests first and if they cannot evaluate their own best interests, you must do it for them. The interests of other family members cannot be ignored either. So compulsion may be very hard emotionally but your head will tell you that it is the right thing to do.
Hi @Nicash and welcome to DTP
Im sorry you have had to make this decision during a time of lockdown. Its never easy transitioning someone to a care home and this pandemic has just made everything worse.
One thing I will say, though, is that it is still early days for your dad. My mum spent the first 6 weeks packing to go home, but did settle and, once she had settled, thrived in her care home. She made friends, joined in the activities and was (mostly) happy. So please give it time.
Another thing to be aware of is that the home that he says he wants to go back to may not be the flat that he came from. He was already wandering the streets at home and this is a sign that they are no longer recognising their home. Often the home they want to go to is a childhood home, but mostly it is a state of mind - they want to go somewhere that they recognise, feel safe and can leave behind the confusion of dementia. If he moved back to his flat he would still be getting on buses and walking around the town (or even further afield) looking for "home" and would be in great risk of having an accident.
Meanwhile, you are in a difficult position. Will the home facilitate zoom or skype sessions? Can you ask to speak to him on the phone? The trouble is, though, that a few minutes after a phone call or visit, they have forgotten that anyone has been at all. I remember OH and I went to visit OHs mum in a care home. On the way in we met OHs brother who was just leaving. By the time we got to his mum she had totally forgotten that her other son had just visited and was complaining that no-one ever came to see her!!
Something I did with my mum when there was a stage when I was unable to visit her, was to send some picture postcards with a simple message on the back saying that I loved her and would come to see her soon. Mum loved them and got the carers to regularly read them to her. If she said that her family had forgotten her, the carers could point out the cards. It also helped that the picture postcards meant that mum thought we were on holiday and that was why we wernt visiting, so found it reassuring. Could you do something similar? Send in cards or little gifts of sweets, cakes, etc, so that he knows that he has not been forgotten?
Im sorry you have had to make this decision during a time of lockdown. Its never easy transitioning someone to a care home and this pandemic has just made everything worse.
One thing I will say, though, is that it is still early days for your dad. My mum spent the first 6 weeks packing to go home, but did settle and, once she had settled, thrived in her care home. She made friends, joined in the activities and was (mostly) happy. So please give it time.
Another thing to be aware of is that the home that he says he wants to go back to may not be the flat that he came from. He was already wandering the streets at home and this is a sign that they are no longer recognising their home. Often the home they want to go to is a childhood home, but mostly it is a state of mind - they want to go somewhere that they recognise, feel safe and can leave behind the confusion of dementia. If he moved back to his flat he would still be getting on buses and walking around the town (or even further afield) looking for "home" and would be in great risk of having an accident.
Meanwhile, you are in a difficult position. Will the home facilitate zoom or skype sessions? Can you ask to speak to him on the phone? The trouble is, though, that a few minutes after a phone call or visit, they have forgotten that anyone has been at all. I remember OH and I went to visit OHs mum in a care home. On the way in we met OHs brother who was just leaving. By the time we got to his mum she had totally forgotten that her other son had just visited and was complaining that no-one ever came to see her!!
Something I did with my mum when there was a stage when I was unable to visit her, was to send some picture postcards with a simple message on the back saying that I loved her and would come to see her soon. Mum loved them and got the carers to regularly read them to her. If she said that her family had forgotten her, the carers could point out the cards. It also helped that the picture postcards meant that mum thought we were on holiday and that was why we wernt visiting, so found it reassuring. Could you do something similar? Send in cards or little gifts of sweets, cakes, etc, so that he knows that he has not been forgotten?
Thank you for replying. I’m struggling with what is best or what is not best. I’m too emotional to make any decision, whether it’s the right one or not ? but you may be right my head will tell me the right thing to do, once I’m in the right frame of mind.
Th
thank you for your reply. Everything you state makes sense, maybe home now is not his flat. Similar things Was happening .. like family Where visiting and him saying “I not seen a sole” ? was a regular occurrence. I go to the Care home daily To drop his paper and lottery ticket off for him, thank you for the idea of picture postcards I will give that a go.
Try Touchnote . They produce lovely postcards with family photos which you choose on the front and they post them direct. Excellent. My daughter uses them for her granny .
My wife has been in her care home since May last year. It took a while but she did settle. It was hard avoiding the instinct to bring her home but it would have been harder still if I had done so. Lockdown has made everything more difficult. My wife and the care home staff appreciate a weekly letter that I write, full of photographs of things that we have done together. Not only does it help her but it is useful for the staff in getting to know more about her life before dementia. Postcards would serve the same purpose. From what you have said you have done the only and the best thing possible. Work with the care home staff on finding ways to communicate and (with luck) a possible way of visiting. Currently I can see my wife in the garden when the weather allows but her home are now putting together proposals that take account of the coming winter and the need for indoor visits. If you are uncertain or need some friendly advice you'll always get help from people on Dementia Talking Point. Their wealth of experience is unsurpassed so do keep reading and posting.
