Care Home Conundrum

[KurtTains]

My father-in-law has mixed dementia and has recently moved into a care home. We're learning about the ways of care homes and their quirks.

A friends aunt is also in the same home and the two happily talk to each other. The Aunt cannot keep things in her short term memory, she is always asking ours name, if she's eaten, where does she live etc.

I have a question. Am I over-reacting to something we saw?

The time was 20:45 and we left my father-in-law in his room. Our friends Aunt has the room next door. As we left his room, two carers left her room and one turned around and shouted 'get back into your room' (Or similar). Not bellowing, but a raised voice none-the-less.

As we walked past we could hear the Aunt say things like 'Have I eaten, where am I?'. One of the carers put her arm across the door to block Aunt leaving her room. She said 'Get back in your room' and pushed her shoulder so she'd go back into the room.

We continued to walk past and the second carer followed us, while the first continued to ensure Aunt was in her room.

Thing is, the doors aren't locked. So, even she got the Aunt back in the room, she'd only come out again. Typically we see the Aunt walking the corridors when we leave as she gets restless.

Is this typical behaviour for a carer in a care home? We've raised a few things in the past with the care home and they asked us to stop interfering, so now I don't know what to do.

We walked down the stairs and we coudl hear the carers talking. One said 'that's Xs family...' but nothing else. Sounds like she might have been warning the other that we might complain.

Should I just forget about it? I'd hate it if they treated my father-in-law like that.

 

[Butter]

Welcome KurtTains. It is a balance, I have found, between not forgetting what you see (and hear and smell etc) but not necessarily taking any more action. Certainly I would make it clear you are looking out for residents - both yours and others - and that is one of the reasons visits are so important. You continue to share the caring then, and it helps everybody including the home.

There have been many things I have not liked in homes - but then there have been many things I have liked. And until we spend more time there it is hard to know what to do.

So, if I were you (which I am not), I would make a point of visiting more and at different times just so your benign presence gets well known. And everyone knows you are involved.

 

[PeggySmith]

Hi there,

I think Butter makes a very good point about just storing it away for future reference. The night time carers at MIL's home weren't very nice either and I made a point of visiting in the evening and took some notes. Eventually, I approached the home manager and found out that one of them was about to be dismissed. So, stay watchful, make notes about what you are unhappy about and then ask for a meeting with the manager.

 

[littlegem]

My own opinion is that I would dislike it intensely if some carer spoke to my hubby in that way and acted like she/he did.
Not acceptable to me either is being told to stop meddling.

 

[nita]

I really don't think that saying "get back in your room" is the right way to speak to anyone, let alone a dementia patient. It is totally unprofessional and uncaring. I too would be watching closely to see if all the staff have this attitude or whether this person is a "one off". It must be so difficult when your relative is in care as you feel you have to tread carefully if they are going to stay there and the home is good in other respects.

 

[zelana]

I wouldn't be happy about hearing a carer tell a resident to 'Get back into your room' It certainly doesn't fit with what I've seen in Mum's CH. To me it seems totally the wrong way to get co-operation.

I wouldn't like to be told to stop interfering either. If I have concerns then I'd like to be able to raise them with someone.

 

[Katrine]

Disgraceful! You witnessed an incident of bullying, no other word for it IMO. Surely as the CH is her home your friend's aunt should be able to walk around any time she wants to 24/7? Some people are night owls, some may want to have a snack or watch TV in the middle of the night. They aren't children so why should they have a set bedtime?

If it was me I would ask the CH manager if there is a formal bedtime and what happens if residents want to be up later than that, or get up in the night. It will be interesting to hear if the policy matches the practice.

It seems like the carers want an easy life and it is a very short step from this sort of bullying to more serious abuse. People in authority in residential institutions risk going on a power trip - I'm sure most of us have seen the film of psychology experiments in the 1960's that demonstrated this, and these have since been repeated many times with the same results. It is just part of human nature, but training, good leadership and positive feelings about your job should prevent this from happening with the vast majority of care staff.

That poor woman was confused and wanted reassurance. Instead she got verbal aggression and probably some physical control too, when you were not there to witness it. People with dementia remember the feelings of bad experiences, and if this is happening every night she is likely to be much more insecure because of it. With kinder treatment her overall anxieties might reduce.

 

[lin1]

To me that sort of behaviour is unacceptable, it makes me wonder what else this carer may do when she knows that she cannot be observed

If it were me I would report it nor only to the manager but the friend as well

and to be told to stop interferingg well , thats NOT on

 

[Pheath]

Dear KurtTains

No I don’t think you’re over-reacting and would have felt equally unsettled in the same situation. This is neither an acceptable or kind way to speak to someone vulnerable. In fact at my dad’s old home close to dinner time one of the residents with dementia tried to get up from her chair and I was alarmed to hear a carer say to her “Sit down, you’re not going anywhere”. Fortunately this carer left the home shortly afterwards, she hadn’t been there long and suspect she might have been sacked.

I’m worried also that you’ve been told to stop interfering when raising issues as again this is no way to talk to concerned relatives and would seriously be thinking about whether the placement is right for your FIL. We moved dad from his original home because we were very unhappy with the management and it’s something we’ve never regretted.

Please come back if you’ve further concerns. All the very best.

 

[Sunbell]

If I had been walking past and witnessed the carer pushing the ladies shoulder and blocking the door I would have confronted the carer there and then. It is bullying and there is no other word for it.

It definitely needs reporting and the patients relatives need to be aware of it too. Who knows what may be happening when relatives are not around.

My mum has advanced AD and I know from experience that I need to be her 'voice'. I speak up for my mum as she is unable to do this herself. I do this to protect her as she is very vulnerable just like many other sufferers of this terrible disease.

When a loved one is in care you expect the carers to understand this vulnerability and not treat the residents in any way which can be considered as bullying or verbally abusive in any way. Luckily most carers are kind and considerate but there can always be an exception.

My advice would be to report anything you see that contributes to bad care directly to the home owners.

Sunbell.

 

[Wildflower]

You describe the aunt as the aunt of a friend.

I hope you have informed the friend of what you witnessed happening to their aunt. They should know about this incident which looks suspiciously like abuse. This will give the friend the chance to protect their aunt.

You say you would hate it if they treated your father-in-law like that, but sadly if the carer is capable of doing this to one person it probably happens to others as well.

You should not just forget about it. I know I couldn't.