Calling the police

[Helen loves sherbet]

Hello,
My mum went into a home a few months ago primarily because of her Parkinson's but she is increasingly showing signs of dementia. She is convinced that carers, nurses at the local hospital and various others are conspiring against her, threatening her with violence, deliberately handling her roughly, bugging her and so on. My basic position is to believe her but some of her claims are so outlandish and so unbelievable that I can't.
Mum says no one believes her and wants to "do" something and is planning to call the police.
I don't know what to do. I've tried to convince her not to because no actual crime has been committed but she says it might save her life to tell the police "what's going on".
What would happen if she called the police? What do I do to prove I'm on her side without reinforcing her delusions?
Thank you

 

[SAP]

In my mums home the residents with phones call the emergency services on a weekly basis and the manager takes it all in her stride. They do have to attend and they do get taken to the resident in question to see that in-fact all is well. My point is this is not unusual behaviour. Maybe you could talk with the manager about it. Also find out what your mum is like when you are not there either by asking the staff or popped in unannounced when she might be in the lounge etc to see for yourself how she is. If she is eating and sleeping well chances are she is fine.

 

[Rosettastone57]

My mother in law was in a care home and often used to complain about staff, saying she was in a "living hell " , that the carers ignored her, she was never included in activities, she was trapped in her room. The home had a Facebook page and there she was in an uploaded photo taking part in the activities smiling and laughing. After that we just ignored the complaints.

 

[Imogenlily]

Hi
This is a bit tricky. Parkinsons and dementia do tend to go hand in hand. Delusions and hallucinations are part and parcel of dementia and it's a horrible, distressing thing to witness.

My mum went through some pretty awful ones. The most common delusions/hallucinations are: people stealing from them, partners cheating on them, people trying to poison and/or harm them. That's not to say that these things don't happen but they are very common because the brain with dementia can no longer make sense of the world around them and they don't understand why so the brain is trying to make a 'narrative' for example they can't handle money any more so people are stealing.

Sadly, these feel completely true for the person with dementia - they genuinely believe what they are saying, no matter how outlandish it seems. If these are delussions etc - these are called 'false beliefs' and will probably continue and sometimes get worse.

The first thing I'd suggest if trying to figure out *what* you're dealing with.

Firstly talk to your mum's GP, explain what's happened and request (insist if you have to) that your mum is tested for any urinary infections. These are very common with dementia and can cause delusions and hallucinations, and infections need to be treated asap. If it's caused by this, the treat these should stop.

If there's no infection this could point towards delussions etc.

Secondly, I'd strongly advise you to consider putting a small camera in your mum's room - ideally somewhere unobtrusive where people won't see it. If your mum is being abused, you might be able to capture evidence. You can easily buy these on Amazon, if you have an Alexa, you can link the feed to your phone and check her room remotely. This will also help you rule in/out what's actually going on.

Also examine your mum - does she have any bruises, marks, rashes etc - does anything look out of the ordinary for her?

Consider talking to the manager at her home. I know this is potentially tricky if you're worried about abuse, but not communicating is one of the worst things you can do. Express your concerns about your mum and pay close attension to how the manager reacts, not just what they say verbally but do they listen to you, take you seriously etc.

With dementia, you really need a brain scan (CAT or MRI) to diagnose dementia. You could ask your GP for a referal but waiting lists aren't good. If you can afford to, you can get your mum a CAT/MRI done privately but I understand this isn't always possible. If you're able to get the scan and she has dementia, then you ask your GP to refer you to the memory clinic.

Generally, the advice with delusions/hallusinations is just publically agree - basically, even if what they are saying is crazy, agree to their face, and don't argue/reason with them, it won't work. This is easier said than done. My mum had some pretty bad and nasty delussions and hallusinations but some were just weird - for example she'd keep pointing out the 'new' car my stepdad had bought that was parked in our back garden.

With the police, you could try a few things. Tell your mum, that you will ring the police for her - this may soothe her that she thinks someone is listening - but just be warned that people with dementia become fixated, no matter what you do, they'll keep mentioning it over and over and they may become hostile to you if they feel you aren't on their side. It's a horrible, tricky situation. Just don't try to reason with her. Instead try things like 'that must be horrible mum, I'm going to contact someone to help you'

If you have genuine worries about abuse, contact adult social services, and get them to talk to your mum - or even if it's delusions I'd still advise getting social services involved, they can give help and advice. Or contact the police yourself. The police had to get involved with my mum when her delusions got really bad and she became dangerous. They were amazing with her. I think a lot of police have to deal with this stuff a lot.

Do you have other family that helps? It might be good to sit down together and all agree what to do together. Maybe arrange unannounced visits at the home and have a rota - have people check for injuries just by looking her over.

Also talk to the carers themselves - you don't need to say what your mum said, but ask how is your mum doing, what is she up to etc. Again notice how they act/respond etc, that should tell you a lot about how they view your mum and their attitude.

You can get really good advice from the Alzheimer's society - you can email or phone them. Another organisation Admiral Nurses also offer excellent advice about dementia and how to deal with things. There's Age UK that can help as well.

Please keep us updated with how things go

 

[canary]

My mum thought I was stealing from her, shouting at her and hitting her, but I do assure you that I wasnt. Other people with dementia think that someone is poisoning them, or doing other dreadful things to them. It is surprisingly common in dementia. These type of stories are called confabulations which are a sort of false memory and are a symptom of dementia. The person who is getting them is totally convinced that the false memories are real memories, no matter how outlandish, and is therefore very convincing. I learned from hard experience to check up on anything I was told.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

My mum would constantly complain about atrocities at her care home. This was fine when she said they'd sacked the chef and cut his legs off but not fine when she said she'd had nothing to eat all morning, not even a cup of tea. Because, at the back of mind I was thinking, 'Could this be true...?'

I'd say try to establish the truth for yourself if that's possible and definitely express your concerns to the manager and warn them your mum may call the police. As others have said, it's unlikely to be the first time a resident has done this!

Mum seemed to be pacified if she was believed but got worse if told her delusions weren't true. So I would take in a little notebook and pretend to make notes when she catalogued all the shocking things that supposedly happened (and believe me, they were many and varied!) I'd agree how terrible it was (though she was remarkably unbothered by the murders, stabbings and incredible sexual acts she told me about) and tell her I was going to put in a written complaint to the management. Other times I'd say I was going to call the police or that I was waiting for a phone call from 'the judge' about it. Basically, I'd just go along with it then lie through my teeth! Usually she'd forgotten what was said by the next time I visited and had a new list of complaints.

She once told me they'd moved the place (i.e. the care home she was in) and it was now in a different place to where it was last time. She knew this because the view from the window had changed. 🤔

Mum's alternate reality was always extremely challenging - some days I'd leave the care home feeling like my brain had been shaken and stirred. Maybe that's how mum felt...

 

[Helen loves sherbet]

My mother in law was in a care home and often used to complain about staff, saying she was in a "living hell " , that the carers ignored her, she was never included in activities, she was trapped in her room. The home had a Facebook page and there she was in an uploaded photo taking part in the activities smiling and laughing. After that we just ignored the complaints.

Thank you

 

[Helen loves sherbet]

My mother in law was in a care home and often used to complain about staff, saying she was in a "living hell " , that the carers ignored her, she was never included in activities, she was trapped in her room. The home had a Facebook page and there she was in an uploaded photo taking part in the activities smiling and laughing. After that we just ignored the complaints.

Thank you

 

[Helen loves sherbet]

Hi
This is a bit tricky. Parkinsons and dementia do tend to go hand in hand. Delusions and hallucinations are part and parcel of dementia and it's a horrible, distressing thing to witness.

My mum went through some pretty awful ones. The most common delusions/hallucinations are: people stealing from them, partners cheating on them, people trying to poison and/or harm them. That's not to say that these things don't happen but they are very common because the brain with dementia can no longer make sense of the world around them and they don't understand why so the brain is trying to make a 'narrative' for example they can't handle money any more so people are stealing.

Sadly, these feel completely true for the person with dementia - they genuinely believe what they are saying, no matter how outlandish it seems. If these are delussions etc - these are called 'false beliefs' and will probably continue and sometimes get worse.

The first thing I'd suggest if trying to figure out *what* you're dealing with.

Firstly talk to your mum's GP, explain what's happened and request (insist if you have to) that your mum is tested for any urinary infections. These are very common with dementia and can cause delusions and hallucinations, and infections need to be treated asap. If it's caused by this, the treat these should stop.

If there's no infection this could point towards delussions etc.

Secondly, I'd strongly advise you to consider putting a small camera in your mum's room - ideally somewhere unobtrusive where people won't see it. If your mum is being abused, you might be able to capture evidence. You can easily buy these on Amazon, if you have an Alexa, you can link the feed to your phone and check her room remotely. This will also help you rule in/out what's actually going on.

Also examine your mum - does she have any bruises, marks, rashes etc - does anything look out of the ordinary for her?

Consider talking to the manager at her home. I know this is potentially tricky if you're worried about abuse, but not communicating is one of the worst things you can do. Express your concerns about your mum and pay close attension to how the manager reacts, not just what they say verbally but do they listen to you, take you seriously etc.

With dementia, you really need a brain scan (CAT or MRI) to diagnose dementia. You could ask your GP for a referal but waiting lists aren't good. If you can afford to, you can get your mum a CAT/MRI done privately but I understand this isn't always possible. If you're able to get the scan and she has dementia, then you ask your GP to refer you to the memory clinic.

Generally, the advice with delusions/hallusinations is just publically agree - basically, even if what they are saying is crazy, agree to their face, and don't argue/reason with them, it won't work. This is easier said than done. My mum had some pretty bad and nasty delussions and hallusinations but some were just weird - for example she'd keep pointing out the 'new' car my stepdad had bought that was parked in our back garden.

With the police, you could try a few things. Tell your mum, that you will ring the police for her - this may soothe her that she thinks someone is listening - but just be warned that people with dementia become fixated, no matter what you do, they'll keep mentioning it over and over and they may become hostile to you if they feel you aren't on their side. It's a horrible, tricky situation. Just don't try to reason with her. Instead try things like 'that must be horrible mum, I'm going to contact someone to help you'

If you have genuine worries about abuse, contact adult social services, and get them to talk to your mum - or even if it's delusions I'd still advise getting social services involved, they can give help and advice. Or contact the police yourself. The police had to get involved with my mum when her delusions got really bad and she became dangerous. They were amazing with her. I think a lot of police have to deal with this stuff a lot.

Do you have other family that helps? It might be good to sit down together and all agree what to do together. Maybe arrange unannounced visits at the home and have a rota - have people check for injuries just by looking her over.

Also talk to the carers themselves - you don't need to say what your mum said, but ask how is your mum doing, what is she up to etc. Again notice how they act/respond etc, that should tell you a lot about how they view your mum and their attitude.

You can get really good advice from the Alzheimer's society - you can email or phone them. Another organisation Admiral Nurses also offer excellent advice about dementia and how to deal with things. There's Age UK that can help as well.

Please keep us updated with how things go

Thank you very much for all the above. Very helpful

 

[Helen loves sherbet]

I'm stuffing up my thank yous and can't work out how to delete so can i jut say thank you en masse for all the replies which help a lot!

 

[canary]

I'm stuffing up my thank yous and can't work out how to delete so can i jut say thank you en masse for all the replies which help a lot!

Its absolutely fine Helen - you dont have to reply individually
Im glad our replies helped
xx