Breaking point with parents

[sjw1979]

Hi I am feeling very desperate so would love to hear any advice from anyone who has faced something similar.

My dad has had vascular dementia for around 5 years, my mum has been disabled by a stroke for around 30 years since I was a teenager, meaning she can't read, write or speak well and is very emotional. My dad is and always has been a borderline alcoholic.

I live around 3 hours away from them and my dad has carers twice a day but things have been deteriorating - off food in the fridge and left out on the worktop, very dirty house, constant rows and tears, but the worst is my dad is very emotionally and verbally abusive to my mum,

I found them a nice sheltered accommodation place to live near me and (perhaps stupidly) signed for the lease, thinking I could keep a better eye on things and take my mum out about more so she has a break and a life. When I went to collect them my dad flat out refused and claimed he knew nothing about it. Thankfully I didn't cancel their old flat as I feared something like this but I have spent a lot of money sorting out their new flat and I am on the hook for the rent. I have only just become re-employed after redundancy so I am not in a good place.

After some bullying from my brother, my mum said she wanted to move here without my dad. The next day she was tearful and sounding doubtful.

I am collecting my mum tomorrow after work and she is going to try living in the flat for a couple of weeks (she says) and see how we get on but I am thinking she will be calling my dad all the time and wanting to go back there.

I just don't know what to do. I feel quite terrible if we leave my dad living alone (I have arranged for extra care already with SS) but he also makes my mum's life very very hard and I am constantly running back there to manage some crisis.

If my mum stays, it's going to be a struggle financially and I don't know what is realistic in terms of ferrying here up and down to see my dad. If she could do one week here and one there maybe it would work but that just isn't practical as she can't take a train or bus by herself.

I am finding it extremely difficult to cope, juggle all this and hold down my new job and I feel utterly hopeless and depressed. I am in such a state I wonder if anyone can help me see any solutions or a way through this or has experienced similar and survived?!

Thank you so much.
Sarah x

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @sjw1979 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. I am sorry to hear about your parents and how this is affecting you. I don't have any experience or suggestions to offer but other members may be able to help you. Do stay in touch and we will do our best to support you through these difficult times.

 

[Kevinl]

Well you're not hopeless and if I could I'd pin a medal on you for all that you've done, above and beyond the call of duty, salute you, but not walk away without saying a big thank you first. K

 

[canary]

Hi @sjw1979

I would contact your parents GP by letter or email to explain what is happening with your dad as there is medication that can help with aggression.
You dont mention any carers or help around your parents home. Do you have POA? If so, this may be something that could help, so Id also contact Social Services

 

[Bay Tree]

I'm sorry I haven't experienced anything like this so I don't have much advice or solutions, which I know isn't a lot of help for you. You have done incredibly well and have been so supportive of your parents but you really can't solve this by yourself. I would suggest the first thing you need to do is go and see your GP and get some help for you. Your depression probably won't get any better by itself and being depressed makes everything so much more difficult to cope with. Please get some help for yourself. Can your brother help more? Have you spoken to SS and explained fully about all the issues and problems? Maybe, despite your strong desire to help your parents, and any feelings of guilt need to be put aside and you need to take steps back and let other people sort out the issues. I hope someone else can offer more useful advice.

 

[sjw1979]

Hi thanks for the replies. I have financial power of attorney but not medical.
My dad has carers a couple of times per day who make sure he takes his medication. He doesn't wash or dress much now and won't allow help with that. I have arranged for 4 visits a day while my mum is away and they will do his laundry and shopping too.
I have tried to explain the situation to my dad's social worker but my dad won't accept help and sometimes my mum claims everything is fine to strangers but then she calls me in tears and she has a friend who calls me saying my mum has been in hysterics.
If my mum stays here my fear is my dad will fall or die soon and we will always feel we abandoned him.

 

[sjw1979]

PS I do also have a cleaner for my parents but the job they do is not great - I suspect due to my dad being so difficult when anyone enters the house.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi sjw1979, a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
I think it might be a good idea to phone the support line tomorrow and talk thing through.

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[sjw1979]

I'm sorry I haven't experienced anything like this so I don't have much advice or solutions, which I know isn't a lot of help for you. You have done incredibly well and have been so supportive of your parents but you really can't solve this by yourself. I would suggest the first thing you need to do is go and see your GP and get some help for you. Your depression probably won't get any better by itself and being depressed makes everything so much more difficult to cope with. Please get some help for yourself. Can your brother help more? Have you spoken to SS and explained fully about all the issues and problems? Maybe, despite your strong desire to help your parents, and any feelings of guilt need to be put aside and you need to take steps back and let other people sort out the issues. I hope someone else can offer more useful advice.

Thanks - it's also a source of tension with my brother and we row a lot. His view is that we force my mum to leave. I find this hard to do because even though my dad is very mean and abusive, I can't bear to abandon him. I also can't stand to see my mum upset all the time. My brother wants the best for my parents but it just ends up making me feel more guilty and stressed because at the end of the day I do all the practicalities and pay for everything as he doesn't have any money and is not very organised.

 

[sjw1979]

Hi @sjw1979, a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
I think it might be a good idea to phone the support line tomorrow and talk thing through.

Thank you so much! I will do that!