Befrienders or carer respite services

[LunaLuna]

Hi all, I need some advice.

A little about my family.. I have a parent with mid-term Alzheimer's and my other parent is their main carer (not that they would like that title or my Alz parent would accept it!). I work fulltime and am single mum to a young child.

My parents are literally together 24/7. My carer parent has barely any time to themselves and I can see it is taking its toll as my alz parent's disease gets steadily worse They like/insist on seeing me as much as humanly possible

during the week​

- i think it has become a focus for my alz parent and my carer parent see's it as a necessity for their own sanity (even though it doesn't give them time on their own) - and i try my best to help, see them and cook for them etc as much as i can (several times a week).

However, I'm constantly feeling bad because I also need to have time with my child, time with my friends and time with my partner, (and, dare i say it, time to just switch off!) outside of my working hours, but always end up feeling guilty when I say I'm already busy when questioned about what I'm doing and if i'm available every day. I know my carer parent desperately needs time to themselves - a hobby, or to make new friends but they wont; all they seem to do is go to the various (brilliant) alzhemiers groups during the week and come and see me and my child.

I just don't know what to suggest and am wondering if we can introduce a new friend (befriender) somehow to my alz parent who will possibly take them out for periods of time just to give my carer parent a break. But, because there is a lot of denial in my alz parent they are very quick to accuse and get very very paranoid so i just don't know how something like that can work.

Wow.. sorry for the essay! Any advice on this sort of thing would be gratefully received.

 

[nae sporran]

You certainly need time to yourself and for your own family, otherwise it all gets on top of you, though it seems as if you are getting that way already. Everyone is different of course @LunaLuna, but my own experience with my other half is that she took a long tie to be persuaded to stay in her day centre, some days she won't go if she is too tired fro a cold or a UTI in the past week or so. It is worth persisting, after all the 4 hours off every week do give me time to go off with the ramblers and get some exercise as well as company. I have also set her up with a befriender through the social services care needs review. Have your parents had that or the carers assessment? She took to the lady straight away and even though the original plan to join a singing for the brain didn't work they stay in and talk or go out to a garden centre café to talk. It also gives me time to do a wee part time voluntary job.
My partner does not like the word dementia, but she does like tea and teacakes almost as much as she likes talking, so it may be worth a wee introduction especially if you could tell your parents they are friend of yours rather than a professional.
Good luck

 

[marionq]

Day centre has been my salvation. Sell it to your carer parent as a means of preserving their health and sanity so they can continue to care and to your Alz parent as a trial club for one day a week. If successful try for two days. Contact social work to arrange it.

Although my husband has no memory of it he goes happily each day and I have watched him unseen and can see how much he gets out of it.

Please give it a try. Persuasive but firm is my approach.

 

[LunaLuna]

Thanks so much for your replies <3

I will suggest the day centre thing but the problem I see is that my alz parent has no confidence and won't go anywhere without partner (even if I take them swimming with me & my child they're constantly wanting to contact carer parent). They are also extremely stubborn and carer parent won't be assertive - too many years of 'going with it for a quiet life'. Perhaps i take some days off work initially and take alz parent to this club I 'find' & maybe they'll make a friend..

That's a great suggestion about a befriender being my friend too - i think i need to talk to social services or local alz society as I very much doubt they've had a care needs assessment yet - alz parent doesn't think there's anything wrong with them bless them.

Yes, it is getting on top of me but I'm lucky because my lovely boss is paying for a counsellor for me; but not half as much as it is getting on top of my carer parent - i need to help them otherwise they're gonna be no help to anyone!