Back from Oz

[lemoncrunch]

Hi folks. I am now back from my month's holiday in Australia with little grandson. We had a lovely time but oh boy, thanks to the english currency, it is sooo expensive there. Just have to try and get rid of this darned jetlag! The weather was glorious but it did seem strange having Christmas in the heat.

I managed to phone my mother a couple of times. I got her in the mornings. She seemed to know who she was talking to and not a happy bunny. But then she hasn't been for at least the last 5 years, wherever she was. She realises she is in a care home. I have heard via a friend that she has a boyfriend there! But I phoned her yesterday afternoon and she was completely hysterical saying she had her coat on and wasn't staying there a minute longer, saying she would walk under a bus (I'm used to these suicide threats, have had too many of them) She is still in complete denial about her condition.

I feel that if I go and visit her then it will be like red rag to a bull so need to talk to the manager first. Her friend (I call her Mrs Busybody) phoned my cousin last week, before we got home, wanting to know when we were home because my mother needed to be moved, she was not happy, her room was too small and she wanted to be near me. She also said I HAD to visit her. When she phoned last night, my husband spoke to her and she was as nice as pie! Not sure if she would have been the same to me but don't want to find out. Reckon I have enough on my plate! Any advice how to get rid of a caring but interfering friend of mums?

 

[Nanak]

Hi Lemoncrunch
The jetlag is a killer eh? Whereabouts in Australia were you?
Christmas in the heat is still odd after 25 years
Sorry your Mum is so upset. Its not easy when you have that extra pressure.
Thinking of you
Nanak
missing what has gone and scared of what is to come

 

[lemoncrunch]

Hi Nanak

We went to Queensland for 4 days (before the rains) and then to Sydney for 3 weeks where son is. We also spent Christmas in Perth with daughter in law's parents, where it was about 40 degrees on Christmas Day!

I managed to phone mum a couple of times but it is difficult with the time difference plus a houseful of family. Also sent her a couple of postcards. All probably forgotten within seconds.

Have been up since 4 am today. Thought I'd cracked it as I managed to get back to sleep yesterday morning and slept in till 9 am. Got lots to do this morning but will phone the care home and hopefully speak to the manager, if she is in. Really don't think it is worth speaking to mum.

It was a lovely trip but I always had mum in the back of my mind so couldn't forget everything about home 100%.

 

[Nanak]

Thats the problem. Its so far away. No popping in the car when you are needed.
I've always known this time will come you just think you have forever
Glad you enjoyed your holiday. Qld is a lovely state.
Nanak
missing what has gone and scared of what is to come

 

[Helen33]

Morning lemoncrunch,

WELCOME back It was good to hear that you have a good break away and a definite few changes of scenery. I can imagine your mum always being somewhere in your mind because she is part of your life but, nevertheless, you deserved a break.

I now wish you strength to face the daily challenges, decisions, and stresses. It seems pretty sensible to me to not have to face a full onslaught from your mum until you feel up to it.

Love and best wishes

 

[lemoncrunch]

I have now just phoned the care home in the hope of speaking to the manager. She isn't in today apparently so I have to call tomorrow. But I am now racked with guilt. The carer I spoke to said that mum wasn't good and that she has been saying she wants to go home from the minute she got up and that she is very unhappy. She thinks that she needs to be taken out for a coffee and basically implied that I should drive down the 200 miles and take her out. When I explained I was a long way away she said she knew but her father had been in a care home in Wales and she had managed to get to see him plenty of times. I also said that I didn't think it would help as she has been saying she wanted to go home when she had her independence and was being taken out all the time. I also explained that when we brought her down in May, she wanted to go home within an hour of getting here and said it was boring!

I have a mountain of work to catch up on and so far have done nothing, just thinking about that call and knowing that I can't do anything till tomorrow.

 

[Onlyme]

Did the carer's father have dementia? If not then what she did or says she did is irrelevent. Sometimes I find the carers want us to fix the sitation of our relative so they don't have to cope with them.

You know if your Mum is going to be happy or not whereevers she is. You won't have a good visit even if you went now this minute as you have too much to catch up on.

 

[cragmaid]

Having spent an hour in the company of the "let's keep everyone in their own homes until such time as they are too ill/dead to need a CH" social worker this morning, I am perhaps not really supposed to add my two pennyworth, but since when does that stop me!!! Where does this care worker get off telling you that you should drop everything and drive 200 miles everytime your Mum wants to sound off. I really don't think it is up to them to say when you should visit. Don't explain to them, just tell them you'll phone in the morning to speak to the manager. I would also tell her " friend" that if she really thinks you are doing such a lousy job of keeping your mother safe and well, you would be more than happy to take a back seat. Ok perhaps you might want to phrase that in a more polite fashion but you get my gist. Take your time and catch up on the jobs slowly and if you need a jet lag nap you have one and to pot with the work. (I had put something else there but I modified it a bit so I guess my BP is going down a bit now)!! PS I hope you had a great holiday.x.x.

 

[lemoncrunch]

Maureen, you are just the breath of fresh air I needed!

Phoned another of my mother's friends today to see if perhaps she would take her out for a coffee. (she isn't a busybody). Her response was like mine. She will never be happy wherever she is and she was worried that if she took her out, she would not get her back. Apparently on one visit my mother asked her to phone the police when she got home and tell them that mum was being held there against her will and that she was a prisoner! We know she doesn't know where she is now, even though she has lived in the town for the last 48 years and the care home is just up the road from where her flat is. She also thinks I live just down the road! Although she is in Sussex and I am in Devon, when she saw us in May she thought we all lived near Blackpool.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

That care worker spoke out of turn. That was an inappropriate comment, as far as I'm concerned. It shows a frightening lack of knowledge about dementia and its behaviours. Never mind her and the nosey parker friend. You do what is best for both you and your mother.