Anniversary I want to forget

[Raffles]

Today 4th July is my 64th Wedding Anniversary. When my husband asked on changing his calendar [as he tries to remember to do every morning] 'is today Wednesday 3rd of July', I said yes. I felt I just couldn't face it, he had been very difficult and shouted he knew how to dress when I said he should put his vest on under his shirt amongst other things. Tomorrow I will just say it's the 5th and hopefully loose the 4th altogether. I just feel I don't want to face it, I can't explain why. I am starting to dislike him so much yet I feel responsible for him. I just can't sort out my feelings and feel so tearful all the time. I dare not cry in front of him he wouldn't understand, like he doesn't understand the pain my physical problems cause me. Yet it is me who has to do everything while he sits and watches TV. I have to turn it on and off, change the programmes and control the sound for him. He grumbles about it all the time saying either the programmes are meant for kids or he doesn't want to watch programmes with bad language, I try and find old films he likes then he just falls asleep and when he wakes can't follow the story. So he gets bored, his only hobby was his gardening but now he doesn't know a weed from a plant.
So everyday he wants me to take him out somewhere, I am so tired I just want to sit down and rest. Enough, I am so sorry to moan at all who read this but feel I must talk to someone.

 

[Izzy]

Oh please don't apologise. You are not moaning. I think you are in good company and many people here on TP will recognise how you feel. xx

 

[janma221]

So sad reading your post. If you can't have a good moan on here then you would explode sometimes. I have my mum with AD but it must be a lot worse when it is your life partner because they are the ones you plan your future with and expect a peaceful retirement. I'm sure nobody would think you were moaning just sad at the loss of your future.
Take care
Jan xxx

 

[SallyPotter]

Hi Raffles, lots of love, you're not moaning, just stating facts....big hugs to you!x

 

[rajahh]

Raffles I so understand how you feel. I went through a phase of really disliking my husband, but I am glad to say I have progressed now so that when he annoys me with his lack of logic I walk into the kitchen saying I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT over ad over. This helps me to focus my dislike and hatred on the disease.

My husband is really a stranger to me now. It will be our 25th anniversary in October ( it is our second marriage each) and I am quite sure I do not want to celebrate it.

We did not celebrate my birthday or his, . cards and gifts agitate him so I do understand some of where you are coming from.

You are not moaning, you are telling us what is happening in your life and that you don't like it.

I send you a hug. Jeannette

 

[Jan0702]

Really understand, it is our 35th anniversary on Monday and we have an appointment at the memory clinic, I could think of better ways of spending the day, like on my own would be nice xx

 

[stillcaring]

oh poor raffles .......

sending you love and cyber hugs

it's my mum that has AD and that's pretty rubbish but must be so much much worse when it's your spouse

just a thought - would your husband watch DVDs? you might be able to find some he likes and if he forgets what he watches he might watch them a lot of times....
can you get recordings of gardening programmes? my mum loves watching the chelsea flower show, though she's now so deaf I can only have her here to watch the television when my family are out because they can't stand how loud she wants it, and she can't watch it at home because operating her TV is now beyond there and I can't just sit with her in her house while she watches TV for hours, and anyway she does just fall asleep

my aunty (also AD) used to always want me to take her out 'for a drive' and then go straight to sleep in the car and I couldn't bear to do it because of the price of petrol and what it was doing to the environment.

hope some others on here can give you some ideas that will work for you, but do keep posting as we all need to say how we feel from time to time

 

[Loopiloo]

I am sorry, Raffles, and you are not moaning, just being honest and saying how it is. As Izzy said, many people on TP will recognise how you feel.

I certainly do, and all you wrote could have been me writing, almost word for word just over two years ago.

Anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas are very difficult and especially anniversaries. My husband gets agitated and confused because he does not understand cards and gifts so this year I kept his birthday low profile. Never mentioned mine last month, and will possibly do the same in September when it is our 55th wedding anniversary. It is heartbreaking, and it hurts. This disease steals so much away from the sufferer and their loved ones.

Of course you must talk to someone, and this is the place where you can do that. Never hesitate to write, to let it out.

Loo xx

 

[StressedAsUsual]

This damned illness make us all feel so guilty.

With any other illness the person you are caring for knows you are trying to help, with dementia it just isn't so, and everything is a battle.

Dementia turns people into selfish human beings that bear almost no resemblance to who they were.

It is very hard to like someone, who shouts at you all the time, accuses you of things you haven't done, is grumpy and unappreciative of what you do almost every minute of every day to help.

You are not alone in how you feel and you are not a bad person for feeling it either, you are merely human and worn out.

x

 

[rajahh]

This hits the spot

This damned illness make us all feel so guilty.

With any other illness the person you are caring for knows you are trying to help, with dementia it just isn't so, and everything is a battle.

Dementia turns people into selfish human beings that bear almost no resemblance to who they were.

It is very hard to like someone, who shouts at you all the time, accuses you of things you haven't done, is grumpy and unappreciative of what you do almost every minute of every day to help.

You are not alone in how you feel and you are not a bad person for feeling it either, you are merely human and worn out.

x

This hits the spot. Last night my husband said once again that he really has To go home. He doesn't want to stay I this house. He Said I know I can manage on my own,but I feel so alone and unsupported !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then he said I know if I left here I wouldn't be leaving anyone in the lurch !!!

I said that this was my home and he said oh I know that I would not expect you to come with me '!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No wonder celebrating anniversaries is a big NO NO

 

[Pross]

Hi Raffles. It's a lonely existence, living with a spouse with dementia, isn't it. There are times when you get so fed up with being the one who has to deal with absolutely everything and have nobody to discuss things with. We largely ignored our 50th anniversary a couple of months back, it meant absolutely nothing to my husband. Nor did his birthday last week. It takes a long time to accept its the illness, not the person, we so much want the person still to be with us.
There are a lot of people here who understand how you feel and send you warmth and a hug. Keep ranting, so much better than bottling it all up. Xx

 

[steffie60]

No better place than here to express our thoughts. Sounds like you could do with a couple of days off - any chance? Is there a Day Care Centre in your area that would be available to your husband? I know with my mum she is reluctant to have anyone else but I have someone come in to chat to her once a fortnight for an hour. This service is provided by a care agency and is paid for but because of how Mum feels about wasting money I tell her it is covered by a Government allowance and she has to have it or lose it. So many little white lies but they help to keep things on a level.

I hope you feel in a better place this morning.

 

[Margaret938]

Hello Raffles,
64 years, many congratulations.
Our 49th Wedding Anniversary was on 4th April, and I celebrated it by bringing my husband home from Respite, in what I can only explain as a prison, the CH was awful, he was not kept clean and it made me weep to see him there. I asked my brother to come with me to bring him home after a few days.
I agree with all the other replies, you are no different from anyone else who has to deal with this awful illness. Our lives are turned upside down and we can do nothing about it. Please don't blame your husband or dislike him for it, it is not him, it is the beast inside. I found out a lot by reading what Sandpiper has to say, "Alzheimer's - What it is like to have it" It certainly helped me to understand what my darling husband is having to cope with daily.
Take care,
Margaret xx

 

[optocarol]

Hello Raffles - TP is the place to moan, so don't hesitate.

Our anniversary is June 8th; it's also my stepdaughter's birthday. (We have been married 11 years only.) We went out for lunch with her and her guy. I said, "Happy birthday'" She said, "Happy anniversary." I don't think my OH actually heard her, certainly didn't react. Past years I've reminded him, organised something, got a card. This time, I just couldn't be bothered, couldn't face it. It's pretty hard to feel anything after he suggests he could go and live (in squalor) at his commercial premises. I so understand about doing everything, and in my case anyway, with little appreciation. There's little communication worth the term, so I feel I might as well not be married.

Hugs from me too - some of us do understand.

 

[Raffles]

Having a good moan

I am sat here at past midnight, my husband is asleep. Thank you to so many of you who replied to my post I could not moan to friends or family like I can on Talking Point. I agree it's good to get things off one's chest. Thanks again to all of you.

 

[Izzy]

Hi Raffles. I'm awake as well. My husband is not assleep. He's very restless again.

Ah well. At least we have TP for company! x