Advice please. Dad refuses help for Mum with Alzheimers.

[Mog The Hog]

Hello,
My Mum has had dementia for 18 years. She was in her fifties when it started. We have now been told that she has Alzheimers. Mum's test score on BADSL was 48 last week. My Dad is 76 and has Wet Macular Degeneration so can now only really use one eye properly and that requires injections on a regular basis. I am worried about his health as physically he is very fit, but he is so anxious and really needs to go the Gp about his tiredness. I have just written a letter to his doctor to see if they could call him in as he refuses to go, (with mum in tow everything is very hard.) I live 3 hours away from them so I am unable to help as much as I can. Dad has been advised about having some help, including a visit from a volunteer who might take my Mum out. This was tried some years ago and Mum got agitated so dad cancelled it. I keep telling him that he needs the break for his own sanity. He told me today that he locked mum in and went for a walk to calm down. Dad refuses to go to any groups as he thinks that talking about it will be more depressing, (but leaps at the chance to tell people about Mum and how hard it is, but only when Mum is out of ear shot).

I have asked the memory assessment people to talk to my Dad alone as he would not talk about Mum whilst she was sat there, so would not say how bad she had actually become.

Poor Mum has not been right for years. She is stuck at childhood and could talk for hours about her brothers and sisters but not me or my sisters. She has not been able to cook etc for at least 16 years. She can still do things under strict supervision, with lots of guidance.

Ringing Dad is hard as I know that he will be down, which of course I fully understand and appreciate. We took them on holiday last year and it was full time job for me to look after them.

I am going to insist soon that Dad accepts some help. Mum will get agitated but usually forgets and calms after a while. It is hard to send her to too many social things as she was a very shy person when she was ok. I think Dad is scared that she might get worse if she is taken out and he worries that someone might lose her.
Any words of wisdom greatly received.

 

[benjie]

Dad refuses help for mum with alzheimers

Hi and welcome to TP. It must be so frustrating to see your father to try to soldier on by himself. You mention that you have taken your family on holiday. Would it be possible to arrange for them to go into respite care together? If you have a social worker then hopefully something could be arranged.

Alternatively, there are organisations - google Livability- who have a few hotels for people of all disabilities and where additional help could be arranged in an emergency. Also there is an organisation called Vitalise which may be able to help.

 

[sistermillicent]

it is very hard having a dad who remains resistant to help, mine was like that too. I eventually wrote him a letter as i felt he could not ignore it as easily as he could ignore or mis hear my words.
Your dad needs a carers assessment and it would be a good idea if you went with him for it and organised someone to stay with your mum.
Just the word assessment terrified my dad and in the end i attended every single one otherwise the assessor would not be let in.

Dad has a good care package of carers twice a week, day care twice a week and two weeks of mum in a care home out of every seven.

it took a lot of getting to, he was extraordinarily negative about every single step.

i also live 3 hours away.
So this post is just to tell you it can be done, but start with a carers assessment and make sure YOU get the phone numbers of everyone involved

 

[BeckyJan]

Sister Millicent has made a good point about an assessment. Both your Mother as sufferer and Dad as carer are entitled to one.
This factsheet explains:
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=131

Best wishes