Advice needed as mum is unsettled after I visit

[GennyWren]

Hi.
The advice I need is regarding mums behaviour after I drop her off at my brothers, where she lives. I regularly receive messages from him after my visits, blaming me for mum being agitated. I know that a PWD can get anxious when they're somewhere different and have sent him a link about why the say they 'want to go home'. After a lovely day with mum, I drive her back and she tells me she doesn't want to go and they don't want her. I talk to her. Reassure her and say that she likes it where she lives and that they do want her. But his message is to tell me that she is never settled after spending the day with me.

Mum is quite alert in the morning when I pick her up (9 o'clock), and after driving to my place we'll spend a couple of hours going for a walk (shuffle), to the cafe (she likes a hot chocolate), visiting a garden, etc but she begins to tire around noon and in the afternoon she dozes. I have to get her home for 5 and I'm wondering if the day is too much for her.

She is also very chatty and I let her talk and listen. As expected, memories are jumbled. People and places don't match up. Some stories are made up. She sometimes hallucinates. I know this is all part of the dementia decline, but I just like listening to her talking, getting excited, and happy. When she's back home this obviously continues because I'm accused of putting thoughts into her head.

I've thought a lot about why mum could possibly be unsettled and I'm worried that something I'm doing is causing this problem. Other than not seeing her, what can I do to make her less unsettled or anxious about going home?

 

[Jessbow]

It does sound very tiring.

 

[Lawson58]

I think you might have hit the nail on the head when you wonder if the day out with you could be overlong and that is what is unsettling her rather than being with you.

It does sound as if she is getting very tired and then is difficult when you return her to your brother.
It is mostly not the physical aspects of a day out but having to concentrate especially when she is eager to chat could result in being fatigued. Perhaps a change in your plans for the day might help in reducing her agitation.

I know my husband gets very tired if he has been out for a day and remains so for the next day or two.

It might be nice to chat you your brother to see what you can work out together, After all he has to deal with her agitation after you have dropped her off and a little diplomacy and sympathy and understanding might smooth things over.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

It's tricky! I'm sure your brother appreciates you taking your mum out for the day because it gives him a bit of time off. But the fact she's agitated afterwards means it's a bit 'swings and roundabouts' for him!

As your mum is tired by noon, it would make sense to take her back then but that doesn't give your brother much of a break and she may be just as agitated later even if she's dozed all afternoon at his house.

Perhaps a solution would be for you to go to your brother's and spend the whole day there with your mum? That way, he could still go out for the day and get a break, you'd still spend time with your mum and the fact she hadn't been out would leave her less agitated later. There's no reason why you can't make her a 'special' hot chocolate treat there. I get that she'd miss getting out but maybe you could have a short walk with her locally?

 

[JoannePat]

Hi, our PWD do get so tired. I agree with @Jaded'n'faded, maybe spend the day with your mum at your brothers house. Giving him the chance to get out and you spend time with your mum.

Maybe even try and get a take away hot chocolate from her special cafe!

Jxx

 

[GennyWren]

Thank you all for your responses and suggestions.

I didn't want to cloud the issue but the reality is that my relationship with my brother is broken. He has decided that I can see mum once a month, 9-5, and I have to take her out, no staying at his place. I'm blamed not only for mum being unsettled on her return, but for what she talks about.

I had hoped that there might be an online leaflet or website that explained a situation like this. I think he would accept this, rather than me trying to explain that I'm not entirely to blame. Thanks again.

 

[JoannePat]

I am sorry to hear that you have a broken relationship with your brother, I don't know one family where it works! Unfortunately its one of those things......

Saying that, the fact that you are only seeing your mum once a month is a long break between visits (for her). You could remind your brother that as there is such a gap between visits, this will not be helping. Does your mum get out to groups or a day centre? Could you maybe see her there?

Remember all the advice on here is with love,

Jxx

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Thank you all for your responses and suggestions.

I didn't want to cloud the issue but the reality is that my relationship with my brother is broken. He has decided that I can see mum once a month, 9-5, and I have to take her out, no staying at his place. I'm blamed not only for mum being unsettled on her return, but for what she talks about.

I had hoped that there might be an online leaflet or website that explained a situation like this. I think he would accept this, rather than me trying to explain that I'm not entirely to blame. Thanks again.

The only way you can successfully resolve this is to have a sensible grown-up conversation with your brother but I guess that's not going to happen. I fell out with my brother too and it created a lot of bad feeling to the point I had to threaten him with further action unless he stopped his ridiculous behaviour. (Different issues to yours.)

Obviously we don't know the background to any of this so I'm going to make a few guesses: Your mum is living with him so he's doing the lion's share of the caring, with little real/useful input day to day from you. He sees your visits as 'less than helpful' (for whatever reasons) which is why he's restricting you to one visit per month. Presumably he feels this is 1) reasonable and 2) as much as he's prepared to allow.

I could argue this from both sides! For you it seems totally unreasonable and as he has set the terms, what choice do you have but to take your mother out for the day and return her exhausted and somewhat agitated? For him to then blame you for this and for the things she talks about is obviously unfair. On the other hand, from his point of view, you are a 'helicopter' visitor, i.e. you arrive occasionally with a lot of disruption to everyone's routine, the take off again leaving him to clear up the mess.

So I get why neither of you are happy with the current arrangement. Unfortunately, without a proper discussion over what would work better for everyone, I think you've got a stalemate. He's pretty stuck with his situation as your mum is living with him so you're the one with more flexibility. Maybe you need to ask him exactly how you could be more help to him and your mum, as the current visits aren't working. But you have to talk to him - this is not a situation that can be solved with an online leaflet.