Advice desperately needed

[Ahoy]

Hi everyone

My name is Alice and I’m looking for advice.
For the last 12 months my mum has been displaying huge changes in her personality and behaviour. I have spoken to several health care professionals and gone around the houses, they all agree it’s very very likely she has FTD. The problem is she does not realise or acknowledge there is a problem and completely refuses to talk to any health professionals or have any testing. She is now violent and abusive to my dad, (her beloved husband of 50 years) and has stopped any visitors (myself included) to the house, my dad is not allowed to talk to anyone as it severely enrages her and makes her behaviour worse. Myself and dad have reached out for help to several different departments including GP, safeguarding, mental health but been told each time that if she does not consent there is nothing they can do. Has anyone else experienced this? How have you managed to get the help/diagnosis so desperately needed? I cannot believe the only thing we can now do is wait until she injures herself or my dad or wait until she is so unwell that she needs to be hospitalised. Any advice or even just to know I’m not the only one hitting these walls would be appreciated. X

 

[Chaplin]

Hi Alice and welcome,
What an awful situation for you all! I’m sure the GP could be more ‘creative’ than they’ve been so far. Many people with suspected dementia will deny there is anything wrong with them and GPS are well aware of this! They could invite your mum in for a well woman check and use the opportunity to assess her mental state too. I would contact them again and suggest this, with an underlying comment along the lines of how you genuinely fear for your father’s safety!

Of course your dad could also call the Police if she is violent towards him. That can be a trigger for other services to kick in and my understanding is the Police are quite used to dealing with these sort of issues.

Of course your mum doesn’t understand what she’s doing and desperately needs help, but your dad is entitled to feel safe in his own home.

If you visit, how does she behave? Is your dad reluctant to seeking help and support? I know many couples feel like they are being disloyal but he really isn’t.

I really don’t think you can leave things as they are or you’re likely to end up in a crisis situation.

Hopefully other members will come along with ideas too but keep posting and I do hope you can start to make some progress soon.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Ahoy and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. This is a great place to ask any questions, share your story and get helpful suggestions from our friendly and knowledgeable members. I am often baffled by professionals who insist on a person with dementia - or suspected dementia - giving their consent. It suggests that they know nothing about the lack of insight and denial that is typical. Why consent to something if one believes there is nothing wrong?

What @Chaplin has suggested re a well woman check is definitely worth trying. Write down all the areas of concern about your mum's behaviour and send it to the GP. If she is violent, persuade your dad that calling the police is not an overreaction or wasting their time. If an incident is reported then the police can make a referral to social services. Waiting for your mum to give her consent means waiting for ever. To get her and your dad the support that they need you may have to risk being seen by your mum as some kind of traitor or conspirator. But that's a price worth paying if it leads to a proper diagnosis, assessment of need and plan for her future care.