Advanced dementia/Please no,not my mum

[sarahbee34]

Hi all im new to this site,i`ll try to keep this short but my dear mother was diagnosed with advanced dementia just over a year ago,she was only 69 at the time.
After a long hard struggle my dad decided he couldnt cope anymore and put mum into a nursing home,hence to say he is living with a lot of guilt,he goes in and sees her every day.
I am really struggling to come to terms with things and as i currently live in Scotland and my mum and dad are in Devon (550 miles away)
I have managed twice in the last 2 months to go and see my mum and its so heartbreaking to see,even the deterioration from September when i went down to just last week.
I haven't really been close to my family,but this has brought us slightly more together,but im always the last to know certain things about whats happening with mum and its tearing me apart,at the end of the day she is my mum to.
Im trying to get a move back down south so i can be closer to mum,but am having no luck with that either,as its not as easy as it seems.
Sorry im just at a lost cause i have no one to talk to im on my own and im really finding it hard.
Anyone with any advice or help please do.

 

[Shedrech]

hi sarahbee34
well now you have found TP, a supportive caring community, so you have all of us to chat things over with
no wonder you are finding things hard; you are a distance away and so cannot offer the support you want to
might you skype your dad so that you can chat virtually face-to-face? he may gain some comfort from that and you may feel a little more included - I'm sure it's hard for him to quite grasp how distant you feel, when he is 'at the coal face'
the 2 of you both need to know that there's no need for guilt - each of you is doing what you can - your dad didn't 'put mum in a nursing home', he sensibly realised that he alone could no longer provide the support his wife needed and so sensibly found a safe place for her to live, with people around her to help him look after her - seeing her every day is amazing (I hope he's not tiring himself out)
is there another family member you might let know how out of things you feel, and just ask them to send weekly updates as you'd really appreciate knowing more - they may simply have not grasped how little you get to know and be pleased to keep up the contact
2 visits in 2 months sounds pretty good going to me - I'm sure your dad appreciates your visits - and though it's hard for us to see our parent with this disease, I'm sure both you and your mum benefit from some time together
don't be so hard on yourself
best wishes

 

[sarahbee34]

Thankyou

hi sarahbee34
well now you have found TP, a supportive caring community, so you have all of us to chat things over with
no wonder you are finding things hard; you are a distance away and so cannot offer the support you want to
might you skype your dad so that you can chat virtually face-to-face? he may gain some comfort from that and you may feel a little more included - I'm sure it's hard for him to quite grasp how distant you feel, when he is 'at the coal face'
the 2 of you both need to know that there's no need for guilt - each of you is doing what you can - your dad didn't 'put mum in a nursing home', he sensibly realised that he alone could no longer provide the support his wife needed and so sensibly found a safe place for her to live, with people around her to help him look after her - seeing her every day is amazing (I hope he's not tiring himself out)
is there another family member you might let know how out of things you feel, and just ask them to send weekly updates as you'd really appreciate knowing more - they may simply have not grasped how little you get to know and be pleased to keep up the contact
2 visits in 2 months sounds pretty good going to me - I'm sure your dad appreciates your visits - and though it's hard for us to see our parent with this disease, I'm sure both you and your mum benefit from some time together
don't be so hard on yourself
best wishes

Thank you so much for your reply,it means a lot.
Im just trying my hardest to let all this sink in and get my head around things.
My 22 year old son has just gone down to see her (his gran) and i have told him to prepare himself as he hasn't seen mum since shes been in the home,so its going to be quite a shock for him too.I will have to be strong for him aswell now.
It is going to be horrible at Christmas,infact im cancelling Christmas this year it just doesnt seem right somehow.
It will only be me and my cat anyway so no need for gifts,trees and cards.

 

[Shedrech]

hi sarahbee34
now that's a photo to treasure
I'm glad, and impressed, that your son wants to visit his grandma; good for him - and if he's choosing to go he will no doubt be able to cope with whatever presents itself because this is his gran and she is special
don't be too strong - sounds as though your son is a great lad and will want to be there for you too
best wishes