Pretty much every evening time now in our house, my wife starts to become agitated and wants to go home. She becomes very mad with me because I won't take her home and accuses me of holding her prisoner . I seem unable to convince her that she is home and safe, that I am her husband and it is not possible to communicate with her. This goes on until she tires herself out and goes to sleep in the early hours. Sometimes she will go out of the front door and I have to fetch her back. I found her at a neighbours house once after I had not realised she had slipped out, because I was so fed up and was trying to ignore her! She will not recall any of it in the morning. If we go out for the evening, then it doesn't happen. We can't go out all of the time obviously and I now dread every evening that we are at home. I've tried all of the tips regarding sundowning and I don't know what the hell to do anymore. Has anyone experienced a similar thing? Any ideas please? Thank you.
Accuses me of holding her prisoner and wants to go "home" every evening
- Thread starter Lladro
- Start date
I couldn`t prevent my husband going out, it would have resulted in physical restraint and I would have been the loser.
All I could do was allow him to go and follow him.
Sometimes he went to our son`s house which fortunately was a five minute walk away. Sometimes I would phone our son to `meet` him .
Sometimes my husband would turn around and suddenly realise who I was and then he agreed to come home with me.
Sometimes he knocked on neighbours` doors and asked for help.
It was a living nightmare and I feel for you @Lladro.
Medication was prescribed but didn`t really help.
This practice slowed down when my husband`s mobility began to fail but it was one of the reasons I had to opt for residential care.
All I could do was allow him to go and follow him.
Sometimes he went to our son`s house which fortunately was a five minute walk away. Sometimes I would phone our son to `meet` him .
Sometimes my husband would turn around and suddenly realise who I was and then he agreed to come home with me.
Sometimes he knocked on neighbours` doors and asked for help.
It was a living nightmare and I feel for you @Lladro.
Medication was prescribed but didn`t really help.
This practice slowed down when my husband`s mobility began to fail but it was one of the reasons I had to opt for residential care.
hello @Lladro and welcome
what you describe will be familiar to many carers here
some of the info on the main AS site may be helpful
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/search?keywords=sundowning&Search=
and having a chat with your wife's GP/consultant is a good idea
what you describe will be familiar to many carers here
some of the info on the main AS site may be helpful
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/search?keywords=sundowning&Search=
and having a chat with your wife's GP/consultant is a good idea
My mum 'stays with me every day'. She doesn't actually stay with me because she's living in her own home with me looking after her. However she believes that she's staying at mine and some times she even asks if she can use the toilet!! It's reached the stage that I actually believe, most of the time, that she's staying at mine. The power of the mind hey!! So every so often she wants to go home and I've come up with numerous distraction techniques. However back in September she was put on 20 mg of Memantine daily and prior to this she was running around the streets looking to go home and it was hectic and unmangeable. So, yes Memantine works well for my mum. Apparently it is not successful for all but has worked well for my mum.
I have the same thing with my husband I find talking to him quietly calms him even though I want to scream he can't remember me now but we carry on as usual holidays going for a drink I'm learning to cope
Hi, thank you so much for the reply. I have spoken at length to the GP and also had lots of help and advice given by our NHS psychology doctor regarding sundowning. Trazadone has been prescribed and it has lessened the anxiety level, but not much and my own anxiety level is still maxed out!
Hi, thank you for the suggestion, but yes, I have tried agreeing to take her "home" , we have gone around the block and she just keeps saying "I don't live around here". We come back to our house in the hope that she will recognise it, but alas, no.
Hi, thanks for the reply. My wife is taking Trazodone 100mg. I think it has reduced the anxiety level slightly, but marginally . Today's episode started at 3pm and bless her, she has just gone to sleep at 1.30 this morning. Hence I am still wired and accessing the forum!
Hi, thank you for the reply. Yes, it seems to be a living nightmare. Memantine medication in the morning seems to have had some effect, as does Trazodone in the evening, but I really distest having her take any medication.
At one point my husband had to go up to 250mg of Trazodone ( the max is 300mg) but I have since wound him back to 200 mg. I know how you feel about medication but dementia changes a lot of our previous ideas. I think you need to have a talk with the GP about an increase especially late in the day. I give my husband his 100mg med around 3 pm and then 7.30 pm to minimise that sundowning period.
just to say hello @Me and you and welcome
now you've found this supportive community, do keep posting ... we each find ways of coping and carrying on but sharing experiences helps a lot too
now you've found this supportive community, do keep posting ... we each find ways of coping and carrying on but sharing experiences helps a lot too
I often wonder what 'home' really means, perhaps it a deep memory of somewhere, sometime, of feeling secure. They do not know where or when, just something missing. Has anyone an explanation.
Same with packing perhaps, some I have heard like packing ready for a journey.
The mind is a real mystery at the best of times.
Same with packing perhaps, some I have heard like packing ready for a journey.
The mind is a real mystery at the best of times.
When my husband asked to go home several times a day, he was talking about his childhood home. His mother is still alive living there, it thinks that's his home. Doesn't recognise our home of 20+ years anymore.
Sadly he has now gone into care last month.
Rose x
Sadly he has now gone into care last month.
Rose x
Im sure you are right Alice. I think its more a state of mind than an actual place. I think they are looking for somewhere where they can leave behind the confusion of dementia. Usually they have no idea that they have dementia - they are just aware that Something Is Not Right, without understanding that the Something is actually them, so they try to go somewhere else thinking that they will leave the problems and confusion behind. My mum only started wanting her childhood home in the last few months of her life, but before then she always wanted to go out. She would say "Lets just get out of here" and "Lets leave this mad-house behind", but once we arrived, 5 mins later she was wanting to go back again. Im sure she thought that leaving her care home would mean leaving all the confusion behind, but, of course, it didnt.
I agree it is a state of mind, a need to feel safe & secure. My mum was just the same as Canarys mum when she was still living at home but hardly at all since being in her care home. It confirmed to me that it's not about a place when one time I witnessed mum being hoisted, she was clearly frightened & suddenly shouted out at the top of her voice that she wanted to go home. Once back in her chair she was fine.
Before this I was interested in the hospice movement for cancer, the aids epidemic meaning more young people were dying, different reactions to cancer led to different care. Some doctors were inspirational.
There was a deep spiritual element not necessarily religious. Caring is never one way according to many.
When people suffer, we suffer.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross was one such doctor, she saw first hand that children in concentration camps who seemed were unaware but knew at a deep level the end was near, they had drawn butterflies.
This has also been noted with young patients with life limiting disease, their art talks beyound knowledge.
Older people often start packing even though it may be in unusual places.
The pianist on the Dementia Choir amazed herself at her renewed ability to play the piano.
So at what deep level do people with dementia operate at, the neuroscientist Peter Fenwick speaks of periods of lucidity. I was upset at the weekend, my husband had empathy it was as if for a while the veil had been lifted.
He has thanked me for what I do, he did confine it to cooking a bit
.
I have no answers just questions, so in the meantime I act as if at some deep level there is an understanding beyond my own understanding.
As if we are communicating with someone who has another language. As Kindred has said Kieth settled once in a home. A feeling of safety perhaps allowed that.
How can we know what fears activate behaviours, what is not logical to us may have a just a difference perception of logic. When my husband loses something and cannot find it, the unlikely place to me may still have a logical reason from where he stands. Any ideas?
There was a deep spiritual element not necessarily religious. Caring is never one way according to many.
When people suffer, we suffer.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross was one such doctor, she saw first hand that children in concentration camps who seemed were unaware but knew at a deep level the end was near, they had drawn butterflies.
This has also been noted with young patients with life limiting disease, their art talks beyound knowledge.
Older people often start packing even though it may be in unusual places.
The pianist on the Dementia Choir amazed herself at her renewed ability to play the piano.
So at what deep level do people with dementia operate at, the neuroscientist Peter Fenwick speaks of periods of lucidity. I was upset at the weekend, my husband had empathy it was as if for a while the veil had been lifted.
He has thanked me for what I do, he did confine it to cooking a bit
. I have no answers just questions, so in the meantime I act as if at some deep level there is an understanding beyond my own understanding.
As if we are communicating with someone who has another language. As Kindred has said Kieth settled once in a home. A feeling of safety perhaps allowed that.
How can we know what fears activate behaviours, what is not logical to us may have a just a difference perception of logic. When my husband loses something and cannot find it, the unlikely place to me may still have a logical reason from where he stands. Any ideas?