Accused Of Not Caring Enough About My Mum

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Registered User
Aug 7, 2021
At the end of the day it is your choice and your choice alone as to what you do - there is no right or wrong answer.

My mom is in a care home, I am an only child. The care home is a ten minute drive I choose to go once or twice a week. My mom has three siblings they choose not to visit at all two of them send what I call conscience gifts on her birthday and at Christmas. It upsets me that they do not go especially if she asks about them but that is their choice and I will not be falling out with them over this.

My father in law is also in a care home he has been there for just over 12 months. My husband has not seen him since admission. Again that is his choice the wrong one in my opinion but its his choice and he has to live with the consequences.

Like Violet Jane says ignore everyone else and focus on your mom.


Registered User
Feb 5, 2024
My journey is 50 miles each way by public transport - not an easy ten minute drive or I would certainly go more frequently. Choices are fine if they are realistic options. Do you choose to have beans on toast over Caviar and Lobster Thermador ?

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
You don't need to justify your actions to us. The fact that you continue to do so rather suggests that you feel guilty. Make your choices, own them (i.e. don't try to blame other people or make excuses) and be at peace with them.

I felt that I couldn't be with my mother when she was dying. She was over an hour and a half away and I didn't have the sort of relationship with my brother (who lived locally) that meant that I would have been comfortable staying with him for several nights. My daughter was starting her GCSE exams and needed my support. It couldn't be predicted how long it would take her to die (it took six days in the end). I visited her twice when she was dying. I feel a bit sad that I was not with my mother the whole time in the last few days of her life but I am at peace with my decision.


New member
Feb 28, 2024
The choice is you don't do it. There are many people who have no family and they are" cared for "by the state. It may not be what you want or I would want .it but it's rare for someone to be left entirely on their own. My OH would be in a care home if I did not care for him .

There are care homes that can take the strain. There are care organisation to help. Initially I feel families do it because they feel they can cope . When it gets tough, and it does, they then resent doing it . I have told my daughter to put me in care when it becomes unsafe or too much. I don't want her to do it then resent it.

It's sad, but there are regular threads where people do the job and then berate others for not helping and resenting what they do.
As carers we know how it puts our life on hold. I just think it's unfair that because we do it we then become jealous of those that don't.
It’s not a choice. At least not a choice I could live with. If I didn’t remind my dad to eat, drink, get dressed, take medication etc, then he would end up very unwell and in hospital. Which would then be even more distressing. But he’s not yet ready for a care home. Yes, I have the ‘choice’ to not do this, but this would be pretty inhumane. The fact that I ‘choose’ to do this makes my sister’s choice to do nothing a whole lot easier.
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