So now we have arrived at the inevitable moment when a consultant is about to tell mum that not only is she unwell, but specifically that she has dementia. This will happen on Friday. The way things have turned out, it will be my brother and not me who accompanies her to this appointment. All sorts of scenarios are running through my mind about how she will react to this. She already suspects there is something up of course - how could she not after two memory tests, about seven blood tests, and a CT scan - but we've been underplaying it so far and saying things about getting a health check-up, old age catching up, etc. As far as I can tell from this forum and elsewhere, the consultant will be telling mum straight out what the illness is, that it's incurable, and that it's progressive. I have no idea how she will respond to this but I'm fearing the worst. Either she will understand it and be devastated by it, or (which would possibly be worse) she will deny it and forget about. Does anyone have any advice on how we should talk to mum about this once we've passed this milestone ? Also, does it make any difference if one or both of her children are present ?
Crunch time
- Thread starter SitsThere
- Start date
When my husband was diagnosed, neither dementia nor Alzheimer`s was mentioned. Also when my mother was diagnosed , it wasn`t mentioned either.
It does not need to be.
If you would prefer it not to be spelt out in detail to your mother, ask for discretion, either in a phone call to the consultant`s secretary or by writing a short note which you can give to the consultant at the time.
It does not need to be.
If you would prefer it not to be spelt out in detail to your mother, ask for discretion, either in a phone call to the consultant`s secretary or by writing a short note which you can give to the consultant at the time.
Whether or not it is mentioned now the issue will crop up in many ways on TV, in conversations, in her own mind. You can decide now but you cannot shield it forever. If she wants to join any groups or outings the words are right out there. I think honesty is the best policy but that is just me and I respect all points of view.
Vascular dementia was mentioned briefly when my husband had his memory test, it just went over his head the way it was said and I just told him he had memory problems caused by lack of blood to his brain when he had his triple heart bypass operation, He seems satisfied with this,
There is a third possibility that she actually in her heart already knows and she might calmly accept it both my mother and wife took the news like that.
Good luck anyway.
K
My MIL was told straight out, promptly forgot & is adverse to either Alzheimers or dementia so we try not to use these words. We go to the Alz Soc every week & she sees the words all over but does not think they apply to her so she is not in the least bit bothered by it.
I do not know how old your Mum is or how far down the road she is so it is difficult to gauge how she will react. You just have to be as supportive as possible after the event (which I'm sure you will be)
Hope all goes well, keep posting.
I do not know how old your Mum is or how far down the road she is so it is difficult to gauge how she will react. You just have to be as supportive as possible after the event (which I'm sure you will be)
Hope all goes well, keep posting.
Everyone is of course different, and a lot will IMO depend upon the stage someone is at. Even if told, will the person remember? My mother had forgotten 15 minutes later and after a short while we saw no point in keeping on reminding her.
However if you think your mother is likely to be very upset by the news, I would certainly try to have a word with the consultant beforehand. If necessary they could just call it "memory problems'. OTOH if someone is able to understand and remember, and this will make it easier to e.g. put a P of A in place...
Always a difficult decision, though - nobody wants anyone upset when it is not necessarily going to achieve anything.
However if you think your mother is likely to be very upset by the news, I would certainly try to have a word with the consultant beforehand. If necessary they could just call it "memory problems'. OTOH if someone is able to understand and remember, and this will make it easier to e.g. put a P of A in place...
Always a difficult decision, though - nobody wants anyone upset when it is not necessarily going to achieve anything.
I hope the consultant won't be as blunt as to say it is incurable and progressive.
My husband was told he had dementia and was most likely Alzheimer's. He did remember the dementia but forgot the Alzheimer's. The consultant was lovely, she explained medication, DVLA, wills and LPA and then said nothing is going to happen over night, we will be there for you should you need us but just go and carry on doing what pleases you.
We did this and it was 4 years before things began to change for us and by then my husband was passed worrying about living with dementia, though of course, we as a family were just starting to realise the implications of the disease.
Try to keep Mum in her usual routine, let her do as much as she can, even if it takes a while for her to do it. Keep her interested in life as much as possible and enjoy being with her. Excuse her when she is bad tempered or confused.
I am sure you have some good times ahead, let's hope the consultant knows how to deliver the news to your Mum in a gentle way.
Jay
My husband was told he had dementia and was most likely Alzheimer's. He did remember the dementia but forgot the Alzheimer's. The consultant was lovely, she explained medication, DVLA, wills and LPA and then said nothing is going to happen over night, we will be there for you should you need us but just go and carry on doing what pleases you.
We did this and it was 4 years before things began to change for us and by then my husband was passed worrying about living with dementia, though of course, we as a family were just starting to realise the implications of the disease.
Try to keep Mum in her usual routine, let her do as much as she can, even if it takes a while for her to do it. Keep her interested in life as much as possible and enjoy being with her. Excuse her when she is bad tempered or confused.
I am sure you have some good times ahead, let's hope the consultant knows how to deliver the news to your Mum in a gentle way.
Jay
When the geriatrician told my husband about his diagnosis, he was quite blunt about it and used the word Alzheimer's and after that day my husband was and still is in total denial about his condition.
However, when the time came for us to have the conversation about sorting out powers of attorney and wills, I decided to take charge of the situation. And now I use the dreaded word Alzheiner's in much the same way I would say dandruff, an ingrowing toenail or toothache - very matter of fact and no great drama attached to it.
I just couldn't see myself tiptoeing around the name of the disease forever and I think my approach hasn't hurt him in anyway but has helped me in that we are now able to address these situations more easily.
However, when the time came for us to have the conversation about sorting out powers of attorney and wills, I decided to take charge of the situation. And now I use the dreaded word Alzheiner's in much the same way I would say dandruff, an ingrowing toenail or toothache - very matter of fact and no great drama attached to it.
I just couldn't see myself tiptoeing around the name of the disease forever and I think my approach hasn't hurt him in anyway but has helped me in that we are now able to address these situations more easily.
When my husband was diagnosed as being in the early stage of Alzheimer's the consultant told us straight out. I felt tears coming and it was my husband who stayed in control, passed a tissue etc. Afterwards, it was never mentioned for a couple of weeks - which was very hard - however we then talked with him saying that he had needed that time 'on his own with his thoughts' first.
We now don't use the word Alzheimer's or dementia, we speak about his memory problem. Neither of us can watch anything on TV re dementia though. I hope the appointment goes well not only for your Mum but for all of you.
We now don't use the word Alzheimer's or dementia, we speak about his memory problem. Neither of us can watch anything on TV re dementia though. I hope the appointment goes well not only for your Mum but for all of you.
When my MIL was told of her Vas Dementia they were pretty blunt about it. They explained quite a bit about it and the next steps for us. After that she has been in total denial about the whole thing and declares herself to be VERY well indeed with no medical problems!
I do mention dementia in front of her because I have to eg at the GP or if she has a seizure and is taken to hospital otherwise the medical staff would be puzzled by what she would say!
I do mention dementia in front of her because I have to eg at the GP or if she has a seizure and is taken to hospital otherwise the medical staff would be puzzled by what she would say!
Pete was never told-at my request. I was worried he would commit suicide as he also has bipolar. All of the professionals in the room agreed with me. I think you have to go with the individual and how they will react. It's a difficult decision though
events, dear boy, events
It was helpful and impressive to see how many variations we have in ways to deliver the news to our loved ones - thanks to everyone who replied. In our case however this is no longer our uppermost problem because on Tuesday night mum fell downstairs and broke her hip (mercifully while we were in the house) so our current top worry is not how to break the news that she has dementia, but how she will handle the surgery. (She's 88 and not in the best of condition).
overtaken by events as usual.
I'll keep posting.
It was helpful and impressive to see how many variations we have in ways to deliver the news to our loved ones - thanks to everyone who replied. In our case however this is no longer our uppermost problem because on Tuesday night mum fell downstairs and broke her hip (mercifully while we were in the house) so our current top worry is not how to break the news that she has dementia, but how she will handle the surgery. (She's 88 and not in the best of condition).
overtaken by events as usual.
I'll keep posting.
You really are in the wars at the moment! Hope everything goes well with the surgery.
Take care, we are here when you need us.
Take care, we are here when you need us.
