Guilt, relief and anger!

[Auntiep]

Well, it’s 3 weeks since Mum died, and the funeral has come and gone. She actually died from a bleed in the brain following a fall.

I’m feeling so sad this morning, but I think it’s because I’m feeling emotionally shut out by my husband. I am feeling angry with him, but I’m trying not to take it out on him because I know that he’s rubbish at providing comfort. He has other strengths, which are all practical, like filling up mum’s grave and making sure all the flowers are placed properly. When I’m falling apart inside that doesn’t seem to make much difference though.

I ask him questions like whether I should have given up work so I could have been here with Mum, but he just seems to get angry and not answer. He just doesn’t talk to me. I know he’s hurting too, but he just keeps saying he’s alright. That just makes me feel even more distant. I was Mum’s only child, so ultimately I’m the only one who is/was responsible. If only I had been here maybe she wouldn’t have fallen…

P x

 

[lin1]

Dear Auntiep
Three weeks is no time at all, so pleas try and be kind to yourselves.
You did all you could!!!
If you had have given up work, their is no saying you could have prevented the accident, you could have been in the loo.
I was with my mum All night and most of the day , I pooped to the loo and sometimes things happened to mum. I guess this is no comfort to you , hopefully in time you will realise that you did all you could !!

You are suffering a great deal of grief, anger and guilt are all part of it as well as many other emotions. It will take time for you to begin to heal.

I know it is not the same but my dad too is rubbish at comforting, he manages to say all the wrong things even though he means well. he too is great at other things, it is hard though when you are suffering.
I am guessing that he is suffering a great deal of grief too , perhaps feeling bad himself because he cant seem to help you.

Can you cuddle each other , sometimes just laying a hand on the shoulder.

Sorry not much help I know
Do keep posting here , I found it has helped me loads.

Their is a bereavement counselling service called Cruse, you should find helpful.
http://www.cruse.org.uk/

 

[cragmaid]

Oh AuntieP, I am sorry to read that your guilt monster has not been laid to rest.It is natural to grieve and to wonder if things could have been different. Yes, it is possible your Mum might not have fallen if you'd been there, but even staying home 24/7 is no guarantee that she wouldn't have fallen when you were in the bathroom, making the bed, hanging the washing out ...or doing any of the chores that need doing.

Your OH is also grieving in his way, He's tried to make her grave nice so that when you visit it, you can be comforted, but you are asking him questions he cannot answer. If he says yes you should have been there, it will make you feel guilty, if he says no you did not need to be there.....there is the guilt again.
There are no rights and no wrongs, you have done your best, now take some time to grieve for your loss and start looking forward not back. Take care.x.

 

[CollegeGirl]

AuntieP, lin's right - my mam slapped my daughter round the face when my hubby went to the loo. We had no idea this had happened at the time as all was well again when he came back. He was gone only two minutes.

So there's no saying that you being at home would have made any difference.

Remember the years that you spent caring for your mum, the time you invested in her comfort and security, making sure that she was as well as she could be. You did a wonderful thing for her by bringing her into your home, no-one could ask for more. She will be content with that, I believe.

Be kind to yourself, it's very early days yet xx

 

[jaymor]

Falls happen. My friend's husband was in an assessment unit and was walking in the garden with a carer. He miss judged a shallow step up and fell and banged his head. He too died from the subsequent brain bleed. It was an accident, no one was to blame.

I am a 'what if' person and that is bad enough, so please don't live with the 'if only' much too painful and unnecessary.

It must be very difficult for you, you seem to be dealing with the sadness in different ways. When you feel you need a bit of support you know where we are.

Take care,

Jay

 

[jeany123]

Don't feel bad even if you had been there it could have still happened I was standing next to my husband when he tried to get out of the wheelchair and fell breaking his leg,

I am sorry you are feeling so sad,

Sending hugs from Jeany x

 

[Auntiep]

Thanks

Thanks everyone, I know you all understand. There were people at the funeral, as well as other relatives saying things like 'cheer up', 'stay strong' and 'don't cry'. I can't believe it, she was my Mum, my whole world really, we were always so close. Yet some people seem to think life should carry on as normal?

Px

 

[barny]

Well, it’s 3 weeks since Mum died, and the funeral has come and gone. She actually died from a bleed in the brain following a fall.

I’m feeling so sad this morning, but I think it’s because I’m feeling emotionally shut out by my husband. I am feeling angry with him, but I’m trying not to take it out on him because I know that he’s rubbish at providing comfort. He has other strengths, which are all practical, like filling up mum’s grave and making sure all the flowers are placed properly. When I’m falling apart inside that doesn’t seem to make much difference though.

I ask him questions like whether I should have given up work so I could have been here with Mum, but he just seems to get angry and not answer. He just doesn’t talk to me. I know he’s hurting too, but he just keeps saying he’s alright. That just makes me feel even more distant. I was Mum’s only child, so ultimately I’m the only one who is/was responsible. If only I had been here maybe she wouldn’t have fallen…

P x

I lost my mum 4 weeks ago and she had been living with us. I have good days and bad days and such a sense of loss and sadness. Replace"if onlys" with I did my best, I loved my mum. Take some time to care fo yourself.

 

[Rathbone]

It's the classic Catch 22 I'm afraid, Auntiep.
Say nothing and it's considered unfeeling; say something encouraging (Cheer up) =ditto; say something to help make it better (Stay strong) = ditto; say something to acknowledge your pain (Don't cry) = ditto.
The truth is that there IS nothing to be said or done because you are grieving and everything will be wrong, one way or another. I am so sorry for your loss, Auntiep. Go well, and hold fast to the wonderful memories you and your lovely Mum shared. Only YOU will know what they are. X Loving thoughts. Shelagh

 

[kingmidas1962]

Well, it’s 3 weeks since Mum died, and the funeral has come and gone. She actually died from a bleed in the brain following a fall.

I’m feeling so sad this morning, but I think it’s because I’m feeling emotionally shut out by my husband. I am feeling angry with him, but I’m trying not to take it out on him because I know that he’s rubbish at providing comfort. He has other strengths, which are all practical, like filling up mum’s grave and making sure all the flowers are placed properly. When I’m falling apart inside that doesn’t seem to make much difference though.

I ask him questions like whether I should have given up work so I could have been here with Mum, but he just seems to get angry and not answer. He just doesn’t talk to me. I know he’s hurting too, but he just keeps saying he’s alright. That just makes me feel even more distant. I was Mum’s only child, so ultimately I’m the only one who is/was responsible. If only I had been here maybe she wouldn’t have fallen…

P x

My dad died just over two weeks ago and I know EXACTLY how you feel. Separated at birth - your husband and mine.

Mine is hopeless at providing support also - he has taken over a few (VERY FEW) of the practical things - mainly ferrying our daughter around as she has started college and work and I have been tied up with doing lots of other things. He seems to need an excuse to express his anger - so he will wait until, say, someone cuts in front of him while he's driving and then lose his temper out of ALL proportion, to get it off his chest. Totally unable to express grief - or any strong emotion of any kind. Emotional cripple barely covers it. I am joining you in being angry!

AuntieP - you are NOT responsible for what happened to your mum. As with toddlers, when they topple over, you could have turned your back for one second and she could have fallen - she could have fallen while you were in the room, even. Please try not to think you could have done better - you did a brilliant job xxxx

Thanks everyone, I know you all understand. There were people at the funeral, as well as other relatives saying things like 'cheer up', 'stay strong' and 'don't cry'. I can't believe it, she was my Mum, my whole world really, we were always so close. Yet some people seem to think life should carry on as normal?

...and don't even get me started on the 'cheer up' and 'stay strong' brigade - if anything I think 'stay strong' is worse.

It puts so much pressure on you to behave in a certain way - because of course, what some people REALLY mean is 'stay strong and don't cry so you don't make ME uncomfortable'.

'Don't cry'?!?!? - tears are natures safety valve! If you cry, you cry - if you dont, you dont! If you laugh, thats OK and if you are FURIOUS thats fine too. You are grieving in your own way, which is as personal as what makes you laugh - or what food you like. I have had people saying to me that I don't seem UPSET ENOUGH ... ... As has been said you really can't win.

And people who say you 'should/ought/must' be doing certain things - they are three of the most unhelpful words in the English language!

What has come to light for me since dad has died is people's lack of tolerance for anything that falls outside 'the norm' whatever the heck that is, in any circumstances. Sorry for the rant but I totally know how you feel!

Love and light to you - you are doing, and always have, done your best - and that is all that can be asked.

...and it really is 'early days'

 

[Auntiep]

There has to be an inquest, as Mum had a head injury. I've learned that it won't be until end on January! That will just prolong the grieving

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Rathbone]

Oh Auntiep, I am so very sorry. Don't know what to say to comfort you, except we are all still here, right behind you. Loving thoughts X Shelagh

 

[Lindy50]

There has to be an inquest, as Mum had a head injury. I've learned that it won't be until end on January! That will just prolong the grieving

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Talking Point mobile app

Oh Auntiep, I'm so sorry about this January seems such a long time away....

Sending you (((hugs)))

Lindy xx

 

[Auntiep]

Thank you

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[kingmidas1962]

There has to be an inquest, as Mum had a head injury. I've learned that it won't be until end on January! That will just prolong the grieving

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Talking Point mobile app

I'm so sorry to hear this - it makes things so protracted. Thinking of you. xxxx