Mum so unhappy

[shark2]

I've written here on a number of occasions about my situation with my mum. I was coping okay there for a few weeks following our holiday ( orlando - husband, 2 sons and mum) but she is so unhappy and I don't know what to do.

I teach part time , so am just back to work after the summer . She is finding this difficult because I am not available to take her out or bring her to my house as early. I still pick her up every day but it is usually about 3 o'clock so until then she is alone. She won't go to day centres even though they have been offered. She does go twice a week to a ladies club in a local church from 2 until 3.30. She goes with her sister, and again I pick them up from it. These, however are closed for summer. I know she is lonely but I do my best.

Anyway she has started saying she wants to live with me This has happened before but she is now telling me she is really unhappy on her own. Bear in mind I stay overnight once a week,my 2 sons each stay overnight and she stays at her sister's house overnight once a week so she is only alone 3 nights a week and she has company with her until bedtime. I have a 3 bedroomed house and 2 sons, 19 yrs at uni and 15 yrs doing gcses. I am not willing to make them share a room , and i really don't want to live with her but she looks so pathetic and makes me feel guilty.How do you say no ?

 

[spuddle]

sorry hun. ihave no anwer., other that to give you a big hug. I know there are people here on this forum with better advice than I do. all I can just do right now is give you a hug. and hope that it can help. x polly

 

[shark2]

sorry hun. ihave no anwer., other that to give you a big hug. I know there are people here on this forum with better advice than I do. all I can just do right now is give you a hug. and hope that it can help. x polly

Aww thanks xx

 

[Lindy50]

My parents asked me if they could move in with me and my hubby and two children (then 8 and 5) and it was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. I said no.

The reason I gave was that we had such a good relationship, and I didn't want to risk spoiling it by 'living in each other's pockets'. In the end, I helped them sell up and move into sheltered housing near where I lived (we have all moved again since, and stayed close geographically and personally). This worked brilliantly.

However, that was when both parents were alive and together. Now, my mum is alone and is a bit like yours. It's hard, but I know I would make the same decision again, and for the same reason.

Wishing you well

Lindy xx

 

[pitstop]

I've written here on a number of occasions about my situation with my mum. I was coping okay there for a few weeks following our holiday ( orlando - husband, 2 sons and mum) but she is so unhappy and I don't know what to do.

I teach part time , so am just back to work after the summer . She is finding this difficult because I am not available to take her out or bring her to my house as early. I still pick her up every day but it is usually about 3 o'clock so until then she is alone. She won't go to day centres even though they have been offered. She does go twice a week to a ladies club in a local church from 2 until 3.30. She goes with her sister, and again I pick them up from it. These, however are closed for summer. I know she is lonely but I do my best.

Anyway she has started saying she wants to live with me This has happened before but she is now telling me she is really unhappy on her own. Bear in mind I stay overnight once a week,my 2 sons each stay overnight and she stays at her sister's house overnight once a week so she is only alone 3 nights a week and she has company with her until bedtime. I have a 3 bedroomed house and 2 sons, 19 yrs at uni and 15 yrs doing gcses. I am not willing to make them share a room , and i really don't want to live with her but she looks so pathetic and makes me feel guilty.How do you say no ?

I think you say 'No' by finding an alternative. Extra Care Sheltered Accomodation mjght be an answer. My parents both had dementia and ECSA was an ideal solution until there was no option but for them both to go into a care home. ECSA gave them their own flat, with on-site carers 24/7 and an on-site care manager during office hours. On-site facilities also included a restaurant, hairdresser, laundry, communal lounge and visits/activities from Occupational Therapists.

 

[dottyd]

Agree with last poster.

I think you need to say no. The situation only gets worse and if you are only coping now it will break you as your mums condition worsens.

You don't have the space either and it's not fair to compromise your children .

I know it's hard but you must stick to your guns. Your mum will need professional help and you will only have to do it all again from a position of being quite weak as. Your health will be totally ground down.

I wouldn't want to live with any of my children. I don't want them bathing, dressing me or wiping my bum!

 

[Witzend]

I think you just have to keep on saying you're really sorry, but you just don't have room. And stick to that, and not get into any more detailed discussion about it. So hard for you, though. I know how awful I used to feel when my mother used to say, 'can't I come home with you?' (from her CH). There was absolutely no way I could have coped, since she was really bad by then, needing someone on hand constantly, all day and all night, too.

 

[LYN T]

Hello Shark2

This must play on your mind almost constantly as it's such a huge decision to make.

If your Mum moved in -ok she may or may not be happier-but your sons would probably not be. So you then end up with 2 unhappy people. In the worse case scenario you may even end up with your Mum still being unhappy

My Husband often used to speak of feeling 'lost' or 'lonely' and I was with him every minute of the day (I couldn't turn my back for a minute) I don't know for sure but I think it's more of a feeling of losing their own 'self'.

You and your family are doing so well, and being so considerate, in giving her so much company as it is. Your boys need their own space so my advice would be don't do it.

How do you stop feeling guilty? Well, tell yourself that you didn't open the door to Dementia-it's an unwelcome squatter. Don't let Dementia spoil your boys final years at home before they fly the nest.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[starryuk]

My feeling is that when your mum says she wants to come and live with you, it is not because she wants to live with you, but rather she wants you by her side 24/7.

At least that's how it was with my mum. She wanted to feel secure. She wanted to be looked after 24/7 by me. I couldn't. I would not have been able to leave my house for 1 second without her. I needed to work apart from anything else.

I wouldn't say the 'N' word at all, nor try to give logical reasons, but perhaps, something vague...which might make your mum feel that it could/might happen in the future....

It is very difficult. Every time you feel the guilt overwhelming you, think of your sons and your husband and how it would affect your lives. Remember you have the right to a happy family life too. Remember you are already doing so much for your mum. Consider, even if you could cope now, what about the future?

 

[Tin]

Think Starryuk hit nail on head, Mum never asked to live with me, think she just wanted all or one of us to move back with her. Out of 3 children mine was the only home suitable I have the space, no stairs and no one was forced out of a bedroom to accommodate her, I live [used to] on my own. It was one of our priorties, that where ever she lived there was space for her. Mums illness has taken over my life and house.

 

[Pickles53]

Reading through these comments, and absolutely agreeing that it would not be wise for you to have your mum come and live with you. You might well find that your relationship would deteriorate because of the additional stress.

My mum was very miserable at home as she couldn't get out, had no family within 60 miles, and refused to try any lunch clubs, day centres etc. She wanted to be nearer us, and I know she would have preferred to move in, but we knew it wouldn't have worked. Quite apart from the practical difficulties (she is now unable to stand alone or move unsupported) she would have become totally dependant on me for social life. She has moved to a care home near us and still says she is lonely, not wanting to join in any of the activities on offer.

I think what she is really saying is that she wants her life to be as it was before she got ill. Nobody can make that happen, so although we keep trying any ideas we have to make her life more pleasant, I am trying to accept that I can't make her happy. But I can make sure that she is safe and well cared-for.

 

[Purrdy]

It's funny So many times I read other peoples posts and replies and I find myself saying - yeah that's how my mum is . My mum lives next door so I'm in and out all the time but she either sleeps or complains she is lonely. I'm sure 'lonely' doesn't mean the same to them anymore, maybe it's because they have lost their husbands or their children (us) have grown up and flown the nest that they get these feelings. Even though I'm next door I still feel guilty leaving mum when she asks 'who's staying with me'! I say all sorts of things to help her and me like, 'I'm only next door, it's like the next room', 'you are luckier than most you have people visit, some people don't get to see anyone'. Sometimes I have to speak to her like a child because she acts spoilt.

 

[shark2]

Many thanks for all the replies. Although I know I can't have her here, she makes me feel so bad that I begin to play it over in my head. I think you are right when you say she just wants me 24/7 and has said as much. She would love me to move into her house but obviously that is never going to happen.

She is extremely fortunate because she does have so many people calling and staying and from about 3 o'clock everyday she is never alone bar the 3 nights she has to sleep in her home alone. Between myself, kids, friends , and sitters she is very well catered for but sadly its still not enough.

I take her to church on a Sunday and take her back home at 12.30 ish. I go back round about 3.30 and am then with her until 10.00. When I leave her at 12,30 i'm always met with 'dont be too long till you come back' She wants to come to my house straight from church but I need some time for me. If I'm not there by 3 then the constant barrage of phone calls happen. My hubby and boys just accept that's how it is. Hubby never suggests us going out on a sunday because he knows I feel guilty about not taking her.

Sorry for waffling just sometimes don't want to do all this any more and then that leads to more guilt.

 

[CJinUSA]

I have watched your thread with interest, because I know how wrenching these decisions can be. I'm not quite on the same path as most of those who have dropped by to talk with you.

I just wanted to say that having one's mother in one's home isn't the worst thing in the world. My mother came here for a long visit in 2008 (close to 11 months), and we "tried on" the idea of asking her if she'd like to live with us. When she had a seizure during a family meal in early 2009, everyone realized she could no longer live alone. So after more months of her staying here (she was already with us at that time) on a temporary basis, we invited her to stay. My husband made over a room for her, adding a bathroom with shower, and she remains here with us. I work full-time (though I can work from home about half of my workdays) and OH is retired. We rescue cocker spaniels, and he participates in a sports league one a week. Our lives are complicated by our pets and my work, and it is difficult at times for me particularly, but it is not the end of the world.

I know where my mother is, know she is safe, know she is fed and has her meds, and even know when she is not doing well. I oversee her finances and her health care. It is indeed a LOT of work. But the rewards outweigh the labor. It's my mother, after all. Lest you think we had a perfect relationship and that's why I am concerned about her . . . we did not. She was more attentive to my three older sisters than she was to me - I was the one who was always there helping her, so I sort of just grew.

Caring for my mother in my home has made me much more patient a person. I have learned the depth of my feelings of compassion. I have grown both emotionally and physically. (It requires strength to help my mother now.)

Your college-age child won't always be there with you - in fact, will likely move out permanently, shortly? Perhaps you could assuage your mother's feelings by saying simply that your house is full right now but you will think about it when (the child) moves out.

In the book, The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer's Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss, the authors (Peter Rabins, a renowned dementia physician) and Nancy Mace talk about learning to live with someone who has Alzheimer's, and they talk also about the benefits for young people in learning how to adjust compassionately to their family member with Alzheimer's. One learns the range of one's abilities well beyond what the normal day-to-day requires.

I realize you are having a hard time, and I have held off saying anything at all, but there are compensations (in what one learns about oneself and about life in general) for the loss of time and privacy and the increase in domestic workload. I wouldn't want my mother in a care home, and she could afford a nice one here. I just wouldn't want her in one, and so she is here.

Each of us has to make our own decision based on what we know we can manage. I just wanted to say it's not the end of the world having my mother live with us - in fact, it has helped us see the strength of our marriage and commitment to family.

 

[suecc]

don't want to hijack thread

Just wanted to say to pickles53
THANKYOU
I can't make her happy, although have been trying hard. What a relief

 

[Witzend]

I have watched your thread with interest, because I know how wrenching these decisions can be. I'm not quite on the same path as most of those who have dropped by to talk with you.

I just wanted to say that having one's mother in one's home isn't the worst thing in the world. My mother came here for a long visit in 2008 (close to 11 months), and we "tried on" the idea of asking her if she'd like to live with us. When she had a seizure during a family meal in early 2009, everyone realized she could no longer live alone. So after more months of her staying here (she was already with us at that time) on a temporary basis, we invited her to stay. My husband made over a room for her, adding a bathroom with shower, and she remains here with us. I work full-time (though I can work from home about half of my workdays) and OH is retired. We rescue cocker spaniels, and he participates in a sports league one a week. Our lives are complicated by our pets and my work, and it is difficult at times for me particularly, but it is not the end of the world.

I know where my mother is, know she is safe, know she is fed and has her meds, and even know when she is not doing well. I oversee her finances and her health care. It is indeed a LOT of work. But the rewards outweigh the labor. It's my mother, after all. Lest you think we had a perfect relationship and that's why I am concerned about her . . . we did not. She was more attentive to my three older sisters than she was to me - I was the one who was always there helping her, so I sort of just grew.

Caring for my mother in my home has made me much more patient a person. I have learned the depth of my feelings of compassion. I have grown both emotionally and physically. (It requires strength to help my mother now.)

Your college-age child won't always be there with you - in fact, will likely move out permanently, shortly? Perhaps you could assuage your mother's feelings by saying simply that your house is full right now but you will think about it when (the child) moves out.

In the book, The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer's Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss, the authors (Peter Rabins, a renowned dementia physician) and Nancy Mace talk about learning to live with someone who has Alzheimer's, and they talk also about the benefits for young people in learning how to adjust compassionately to their family member with Alzheimer's. One learns the range of one's abilities well beyond what the normal day-to-day requires.

I realize you are having a hard time, and I have held off saying anything at all, but there are compensations (in what one learns about oneself and about life in general) for the loss of time and privacy and the increase in domestic workload. I wouldn't want my mother in a care home, and she could afford a nice one here. I just wouldn't want her in one, and so she is here.

Each of us has to make our own decision based on what we know we can manage. I just wanted to say it's not the end of the world having my mother live with us - in fact, it has helped us see the strength of our marriage and commitment to family.

Well, so much will depend on how 'easy'/compliant the person is, and on how it will affect other people living in the house, besides the main carer.

Having had my FIL living with us, and gone through huge stress and exhaustion, not to mention so many disturbed nights (and very little peace during evenings and weekends) for the rest of the family, I don't mind admitting that when it came to my mother, several years later, there was no way I was going through it all again, or expecting my hard-working OH to suffer. I would spend loads of time with her, do countless 'sleepovers', but having her to live with us was never going to be an option. Yes, I felt bad and guilty, but I had to be brutally realistic about what I knew we would be taking on.

Looking back, when we first had FIL to stay, we were frankly blissfully ignorant of what dementia could involve. It was a blithe case of, 'Getting a bit more forgetful - well, how hard can that be?'
Like so many of us, we had to learn the hard way.

 

[Owly]

Shark, she would still be alone till you came home at 3 after work, wouldn't she? It wouldn't even solve her loneliness.

And nowadays kids don't move out as soon as university is over, they cannot afford to with rental and purchase prices of houses or flats these days.

It's awful to feel torn between your Mum and your family, BUT it's highly likely that even if you had room for her, you might end up with a slightly happier Mum, but an unhappier family. Maybe you would be willing to sacrifice your own happiness and wellbeing for your Mum, but are you willing to sacrifice them too?

All the most anguished threads I've seen on this forum involved families who had invited or been willing to have the dementia person living with them, and then discovered that there was no escape from the unrelenting problems that ground them all down. Sleep (lack of) issues especially.

You could mention "residential home" to your Mum, next time she asks. You could say there would always be people around, and activities to do, parties and outings.... I wonder if you have had a look at any local homes?

 

[CJinUSA]

To Witzend, as I said, it's not for everyone. My father went out of this world, vascular dementia, angry. I'd have had him in my home but the family fought it. With my mother, my sisters didn't want to or couldn't handle it, and my OH and I were willing to take her on. It's not for everyone, but it's also not the thing to be dreaded that some seem to think it is. Sure, you lose privacy and have lots more to do. I wish we had done this with her sooner. I don't like getting up every night, but every time I do, I wonder how many times she got up in her lifetime to take care of someone in the house. With 4 children and dogs around always, I'll bet it was a lot of sleepless nights for her.

Anyway, to the OP, perhaps mentioning a residential community *and* saying you have a full house now but will think about it later, if the household empties, might help her get through her nights. My father was afraid of dying alone, so we would take turns sleeping (fully clothed, on top of the bedding) in his room with him, spelling my mother so she could get some sleep. It's not easy, but these are my parents. I'd do anything to have my father back, and my mother, too, the way she was.

 

[dottyd]

The thing with this dreadful illness is no matter what you do it's never enough

 

[CJinUSA]

The thing with this dreadful illness is no matter what you do it's never enough

So right.