Mum is 87 with mixed dementia and I have been trying for some time to get her to attend the local day centre just once a week to start with to give dad a much needed break and to give mum company. Dad is also 87 with failing health and I am carer for both of them on a daily basis sorting out all their dramas and struggling to keep mum at home with dad rather than going into care. She always wants me to stay at the centre and today was the 2nd time I left her for an hour and she was really not happy with me when I got back. She said she does not want to be left there again and I felt as though I had abandoned her and let her down. Over the last 6 weeks we have made a visit each week and she is OK whilst I am there. I have tried telling her in advance that I am not going to stay and once she was Ok with it, other times she just says she does not want to go then. Today I did not warn her in advance I just told her I would be back in an hour when she was settled in. Do I just give up? It does not seem to be benefitting anybody at the moment as I could just as easily have spent a couple of hours with her at her house and given dad a break as I do regularly anyway.
Do I give up on the day centre?
- Thread starter Leswi
- Start date
At first I could not get me mum 80 yr old mum near a day centre and then when I did, she absolutely hated it and gave me hell when I picked her up. The staff told me she spent most of her time sitting at a window looking very angry and would not take part in any of the activities, her reaction was she was not a child and did not need to go to a nursery! I did not try again, but I know a lot of elderly people that thoroughly enjoy the day centre, my mum is not one of them. So now, we go to a Memory Café run locally by Alzheimer's Society, managed to work out that in various areas we can go to one a week.
Leswi
Please persevere, the day centre is more about your Dad having a break, Ok Mum gets cross, but she is coming to no harm and your Dad is getting a chance to recharge his batteries.
I couldn't have managed last year with out the two days my husband was at the day centre
Oh and a warm welcome to TP, I hope you will find the forum helpful and supportive.
Please persevere, the day centre is more about your Dad having a break, Ok Mum gets cross, but she is coming to no harm and your Dad is getting a chance to recharge his batteries.
I couldn't have managed last year with out the two days my husband was at the day centre
Oh and a warm welcome to TP, I hope you will find the forum helpful and supportive.
Hello, could you ask one of the day centre carers to meet you at the door with Mum and walk her in...that way you could " just need to get something out of the car. See you later" insert hair appointment, dentist, optician etc for a variety. You say that she is fine while you are not there, again the staff should alert you if necessary, so she is using the guilt monster to make you feel bad about actually using some time for your life.
It is giving your Dad a break too, so, unless the carers say that she is distraught or disturbing I'd carry on and if she gets cross or angry say " It's a shame about that Mum, perhaps next week I'll be able to stay" but make no promises. If you make no promises you can break no promises.
It is giving your Dad a break too, so, unless the carers say that she is distraught or disturbing I'd carry on and if she gets cross or angry say " It's a shame about that Mum, perhaps next week I'll be able to stay" but make no promises. If you make no promises you can break no promises.
I agree with Nellbelles. My MIL tried 3 different day centres and hated it. We did leave it for about year as we couldn't be bothered with the hassle.
Three weeks ago we took her to day care at the care home that we have booked her for respite in November and next April as my husband and I really need some time together. Much to our surprise and delight things are different this time round. Yes she's really grumpy and angry when we take her and today she didn't speak to anyone for 2 hours. BUT when Dave went to pick her up today she was sitting chatting to a couple of ladies and was very chirpy.
Day care in the home is probably different to a day centre and it seems to suit MIL. I know it's only 3 weeks but last time we tried I got a call after less than an hour to go and collect her!
Fingers crossed by the time she goes to respite she will be more settled there and the staff will know her ways
Your Dad deserves a break and if Mum is none to happy to go then I'd say so be it. MIL's memory is such that she doesn't remember anyway which is a blessing really.
Good Luck and welcome.
Three weeks ago we took her to day care at the care home that we have booked her for respite in November and next April as my husband and I really need some time together. Much to our surprise and delight things are different this time round. Yes she's really grumpy and angry when we take her and today she didn't speak to anyone for 2 hours. BUT when Dave went to pick her up today she was sitting chatting to a couple of ladies and was very chirpy.
Day care in the home is probably different to a day centre and it seems to suit MIL. I know it's only 3 weeks but last time we tried I got a call after less than an hour to go and collect her!
Fingers crossed by the time she goes to respite she will be more settled there and the staff will know her ways
Your Dad deserves a break and if Mum is none to happy to go then I'd say so be it. MIL's memory is such that she doesn't remember anyway which is a blessing really.
Good Luck and welcome.
Nothing to add, just agree with all that has been said. I think it will benefit you all, yes persevere!
