Feel angry and upset

[copsham]

My mother 87 yrs old in a nursing home vascular dementia, quite fragile. She is under going tests re recent collapses and recent seizure. She had a hosp outpatient appt yesterday. I asked if one of my sisters could take her with me as it gets difficult to park, sort out the wheelchair, make sure mum does not wander off etc. One of the invisibles came and it was so distressing. I was discussing with her what our view would be if they recommend a pace maker. Her view was "leave it to the doctors" "don't think about her" "forget about her, I do" This is a reaction to this being the first time ever I have asked for assistance with mum.

My sister tried to be pleasant but has not got a clue but "knows everything". She thought if she spoke loudly and clearly to Mum, mum would then remember to keep the ECG monitor on for 48 hours. Mum said "yes" so it proved that talking loudly and clearly worked!!

Mum is going downhill which is sad to see but my sister said "she seems alright to me". I will manage future appts with other people in support But I am left feeling upset. I don't know why. I do know why really - my mum looks so vulnerable and my sister is so hard. Even that is not straight forward as my sister is suffering too from childhood neglect of 60 yrs ago!!!

Thank God for a rant and a cry to Talking Point as I know you will understand!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello copsham

It sounds as if you hurt for your mother.

There is a definite vulnerability when serious illness takes a hold and even if parents were found lacking, it`s sad it cannot be put to one side for something as short term as a hospital appointment.

 

[carer21]

Dear copsham... First of all big hug .... Even though someone has own issues I don't think it's the right time to make suggestions when you're trying to manage a difficult trip out and the whole point of asking for help is to try and make the whole experience go a little more smoothly. I know about juggling parking wandering etc. Although we now don't go out any more we've had our issues too not least with officious 'professionals' who can't bend the rule for 5 minutes to ensure safety between car parking and venue. Think you're right to try find someone else next time maybe discuss beforehand what you'd like from help. After all you're the one who knows how you handle things for the best. You do it ALL the time probably now without even thinking sometimes. Sure others on here will listen too. It's a good place to find support and ideas. Chin up. We're always here x

 

[lizzybean]

Oh Copsham, you didn't ask your sister along for her to give her views/advice you needed practical support plain & simple. I know you didn't have the best upbringing but you have put that on one side (note I don't say forgotten/forgiven) just parked it so that you can do the best for Mum. Clearly your sister can't do this, doesn't mean she is a bad person just not able. Which makes you much the bigger person in my eyes.

Find someone else you trust to be supportive both to your Mum & you next time. You really don't need this.

 

[Tin]

Lizzybean is absolutely right. Turn to a non family member next time, someone not 'all knowing' and just wants to help you.

 

[halojones]

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation with your family. I have found that all the childhood resentments and pettyness have really come out in my siblings and it is me now, as the carer who is on the receiving end.Whatever their issues are ,what we really need is for them to put them aside and just help out, help a very sick and vulnerable person. Unfortunately some people are unable to do this and would rather make a bad situation worse. If its any consolation my mum had a hard life but always looked after us as well as she could,we didn't have abuse.Yet my 3 sisters have behaved appallingly. You are obviously a wonderful person and I hope you find decent support. It does hurt though. Take care xxx

 

[copsham]

Thank you

Thank you all for your wise comments (and hugs!). It is so good to be able to explain in a couple of paragraphs and have other TP people pick up exactly what i mean and reply wisely.

It all goes on ... usually I cope and am strong but once in a while I feel sad with it all especially the ravages of dementia. What a support Talking point is.

XX

 

[CJinUSA]

Your family dynamics seem to be a major issue preventing your just being able to do what needs to be done. I am sorry it's this way for you, because caregiving for your mother is its own challenge.

My sisters tend to offer suggestions and advice before they even have asked how things are going. They haven't bothered to learn much about my mother's illness. And they know more about their friends' illnesses - and care more about them - than they do for our mother. It didn't take a caregiver here to point this out to me, but I was indeed surprised at the caregiver's expression of annoyance with my sister during a recent visit.

So like you, I have to deal with siblings yet know I'm very alone in this process. They no longer even respond to informational or "catching up" emails I write about my mother and goings on here. I think they think I should be trying to keep up with their and their childrens' lives more. Go figure.

I'm sorry this is happening and glad you know you can vent here.

Do you have a close friend who will help you, next time out? And how did the visit go? I hope the doctors would be cautious about putting a pacemaker in someone who is elderly with dementia. How will your mother cope with the required rehabilitation, post-operation, if the pacemaker goes in? My mother can no longer even follow simple, kindly offered commands about minor things. In fact, when I ask her to do something and try to get her to model my behavior, she becomes rigid and anxious. I know we couldn't have surgery here.

Are you feeling better today?

 

[copsham]

Thanks CJ

I always appreciate your responses CJ. I first posted at 8am this morning it is now 8pm. I have had a constructive day and there is a beautiful sunset unfolding. My husband will come on the next appointment next Tuesday and he is always supportive.

In relation to possible pacemaker, I spoke to the officer in charge of the nursing home and she said a decision would be made if medically considered to be necessary through a meeting with the General Medical Practitioner and one of the nursing home managers and family. The nursing home are always sensitive to such issues so I am now not alone on it, therefore a lot better.

Like your mother, my mother could not follow any instructions/rehab plan. She just couldn't! It is a long haul, one concern after another but I am fortunate that I have not had any of the volatile behaviour that so many others have had.

Thank you for your reply the sentiments are much appreciated.

 

[CJinUSA]

I always appreciate your responses CJ. I first posted at 8am this morning it is now 8pm. I have had a constructive day and there is a beautiful sunset unfolding. My husband will come on the next appointment next Tuesday and he is always supportive.

In relation to possible pacemaker, I spoke to the officer in charge of the nursing home and she said a decision would be made if medically considered to be necessary through a meeting with the General Medical Practitioner and one of the nursing home managers and family. The nursing home are always sensitive to such issues so I am now not alone on it, therefore a lot better.

Like your mother, my mother could not follow any instructions/rehab plan. She just couldn't! It is a long haul, one concern after another but I am fortunate that I have not had any of the volatile behaviour that so many others have had.

Thank you for your reply the sentiments are much appreciated.

Glad you have had a good day and lovely evening. Glad too to hear that OH is on board and ready to help. That means a lot.

Here, I face decision-making alone (there is no nursing home, and our system would not allow for nursing home intervention). Sometimes I wish my sisters would try to learn more, but as they don't, I have to rely on my own know-how and instincts and hope for the best.

So glad to hear things feel better for you. You deserve so much more than you have been getting from siblings Hoping for a restful night for you.

 

[Teanosugar]

Empathising with you

I have been through all this but alone as only child and had to park in a non disabled spot for dads appointment, luckily had blue badge so did not have to go and put money in the machine! I could not get chair down the side of the car and I had to try to get a disabled man with dementia to walk down the side of the car with him refusing to walk. Eventually a kind hearted person passing by saw me struggling and came and helped me. After that I decided I was not doing that again and told his care home either they sorted all the hospital appointments out OR they sent a member of staff with me to make things easier eg no ambulance and I would both collect and deliver dad and staff back to care home. This has worked much better. Maybe you could ask them, it is actually their duty to go to the hospital with them, just if family will do it they prefer it as frees staff up, but you pay for 24/7 care so maybe try a compromise.

In some ways I am glad I have no siblings as have not had to argue about dads care like some families have. I took power of attorney when things got bad, in both financial and health sides. I know of friends who have supported a family member with dementia who had siblings and they did not help one bit. The sad thing is, when a person dies, if there is any money left, they come out of the woodwork then!

Good luck on the dementia roundabout.

 

[Spamar]

Does dad not have blue badge? This is just the situation it's needed for, allowing you to park nearer!

 

[Teanosugar]

Yes he does but .......

Does dad not have blue badge? This is just the situation it's needed for, allowing you to park nearer!

Yes dad has a blue badge but all the disabled places were taken as was during visiting hours.