This probably sounds silly,but don't really know how to handle this,I desperately need a break work part time and care for my hubby on mine own,anyway social worker and lady from our mental health team suggest sending him to our local day centre,so he's booked to go this Friday I have really guilty feelings about sending him but I need some time on my own.i know he won't be happy so the plan is I tell him were just going for a coffee and I'll go then make an excuse to nip out and leave him is this terrible? He needs some outside interest he hardly goes out plus left to his own devices he just sleeps opinions and thought really welcome,I feel like the wicked witch.
Day centre visit
- Thread starter woody
- Start date
My Dad goes to a day centre three times a week and loves it and has made friends. On his first visit they made such a fuss of him I don't think he noticed I'd gone. You could try a shorter visit first time. Maybe have a coffee in your own and nip back in a couple of hours. It's a bit like leaving children at nursery for the first time. Good luck. Xx
I work full time from home so really need my husband to go to day care. Fortunately when we went to the memory clinic the consultant told him it would be good for him to go and it's one of the things he actually remembers so although he moans he does go. I hope your husband settles and enjoys it, it is a godsend for a few hours.
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he's been once lady from mental health team took him,but apparently spent the whole time looking for me,and said it was all old people there,so hopefully Friday will be better.
I felt guilty sending mum to the day centre. This will be her seventh visit and she does enjoy it. I need the break because I look after her with no one else to help plus work full-time from home. They pick her up and bring her back. I cried the first time because I felt guilty. She now loves listening to old music and sing along never did before. 
it's so difficult .I felt guilty sending mum to the day centre. This will be her seventh visit and she does enjoy it. I need the break because I look after her with no one else to help plus work full-time from home. They pick her up and bring her back. I cried the first time because I felt guilty. She now loves listening to old music and sing along never did before.
I booked MIL for her first day last Wednesday, she loved it and produced a packet of twixes from her handbag that she had won (couldn't remember why). They played games, chatted & had a hot lunch & company.
For all her memory problems, when I talked it over with her today she said she was looking forward to it and remembered that the mini bus picks her up!
All good, and I hope you have the same experience with your hubby's Day Care Centre too
For all her memory problems, when I talked it over with her today she said she was looking forward to it and remembered that the mini bus picks her up!
All good, and I hope you have the same experience with your hubby's Day Care Centre too
Dad's only just started going to day care once a week, and I was worried he would refuse to go back as he'd not been interested before, but I needed a break and he needs some social interaction.
I took him the first day, literally walked him in and left telling him when I would be back and later picked him up. Apart from being a bit anxious to go quickly when I returned, the first visit went well, the staff said he'd had a laugh but he couldn't tell me much. I took him again the second time but when I picked him up he said he didn't want to go back. I didn't talk to him about it because I didn't want to harden any negative reactions. The staff said he'd had a lovely morning but got frustrated during one of the afternoon activities as some of the other residents couldn't do it. So no real problems.
The next week I'd asked that the mini bus pick him up and I only mentioned it to him about half an hour before, reminding him that he has a good lunch there. He was fine and went straight onto the bus. When he came back he was tired but had clearly enjoyed the day. The fourth time I did the same routine and he was fine. He's had a bit of an accident not getting to the loo on time but the staff had put him in clean clothes and even rinsed out his own, so he had no negative response. Inded he praised them, said they'd got it set up nicely - and he does enjoy the lunch.
So I'm really glad we found the day care and persevered with it. I think he feels more independant going and coming back on his own so I'd recommend getting a minibus place if one is on offer.
Just hoping this will give you more confidence - it's a good move to make.
I took him the first day, literally walked him in and left telling him when I would be back and later picked him up. Apart from being a bit anxious to go quickly when I returned, the first visit went well, the staff said he'd had a laugh but he couldn't tell me much. I took him again the second time but when I picked him up he said he didn't want to go back. I didn't talk to him about it because I didn't want to harden any negative reactions. The staff said he'd had a lovely morning but got frustrated during one of the afternoon activities as some of the other residents couldn't do it. So no real problems.
The next week I'd asked that the mini bus pick him up and I only mentioned it to him about half an hour before, reminding him that he has a good lunch there. He was fine and went straight onto the bus. When he came back he was tired but had clearly enjoyed the day. The fourth time I did the same routine and he was fine. He's had a bit of an accident not getting to the loo on time but the staff had put him in clean clothes and even rinsed out his own, so he had no negative response. Inded he praised them, said they'd got it set up nicely - and he does enjoy the lunch.
So I'm really glad we found the day care and persevered with it. I think he feels more independant going and coming back on his own so I'd recommend getting a minibus place if one is on offer.
Just hoping this will give you more confidence - it's a good move to make.
I felt exactly the same when my husband started going. I likened it to taking my children to Playgroup - they used to cling onto my skirt but then 10 minutes after had gone they were fine. Give him time and even if he doesn't like it he will accept it as the norm and you on the other hand will get a much needed break.
Don't be hard on yourself!!
When my mother first went, I told her they needed volunteers to "help". Mind you, I think just about every other attendee was told the same thing.
When my mother first went, I told her they needed volunteers to "help". Mind you, I think just about every other attendee was told the same thing.
I told John that! Before he went into the Care Home, he was attending a club of some sort every day except Sunday. To begin with, I used to beat myself up when he said he didn't like it, or nobody spoke to him, but it became apparent that this wasn't the case, and he was fine.
We have to accept that Carers also have needs, one of which is to have a break from constant caring. Harsh as it seems, providing our loved ones aren't being treated badly, I think you have to put yourself first, for a few hours anyway. Good luck.
Well we both survived our first day centre visit,arrived with hubby had a coffe then suggested I went for some shopping whilst he stayed no way he was adamant he was coming,so the lady suggested I went to the toilet and left,I felt awful doing this but went ahead and left had a lovely peaceful two hrs ,went back to find hubby chatting away quite happy having won a chocolate bar playing bingo,but he says he's not going again .
Dilemma
My mum first attended daycare (4hrs) in October last yr. She enjoyed the first one & the lunch. She has always been a loner, no friends/activities, only my dad (died 98) & me (been looking after her since dad died) I thought amazing I've cracked it. 2nd time the minibus dropped her off & I could see she was distressed. She hated the minibus. So ever since I have taken her & picked her up apart from 3 or 4 times when she's been dropped off when I've had my own hospital appt. Ever since day 2 she has hated it, hated going. We've had severe arguments just to get her to go. The staff say she's fine when she's there. I've taken to not saying now when it is to postpone the trauma & stress I'm feeling. This week she refused to get out of the car but I persuaded her. I've more or less decided not to take her anymore as I can't stand the stress of it. It's not worth it for the 3 hrs I get off. It takes me an hour there & back twice (9 mile round trip but bad traffic). After all this time she just hasn't settled. She's been in respite 3 times since she started but hates daycare says it's boring & refuses to join in with most activities. I would like people's thoughts on whether I should continue the struggle. I find on a Monday I'm thinking about it & getting stressed with Tuesday approaching, do I tell her it's Wednesday tomorrow then Wednesday is coming & I'm feeling sick with the stress. Mind you I felt really sickly & ill last Monday morning before I picked her up from respite. The whole scenario is wearing me down & I thought lets just get rid of the stress of it. My husband wasn't very pleased when I told him as it's the only time we can go for a walk if the weather's ok. Her dementia is really bad now & I can barely leave her an hour without her getting up to something dangerous (she lives next door). This is the only daycare for people with dementia in our city & we pay for it. Thoughts/advice appreciated.
My mum first attended daycare (4hrs) in October last yr. She enjoyed the first one & the lunch. She has always been a loner, no friends/activities, only my dad (died 98) & me (been looking after her since dad died) I thought amazing I've cracked it. 2nd time the minibus dropped her off & I could see she was distressed. She hated the minibus. So ever since I have taken her & picked her up apart from 3 or 4 times when she's been dropped off when I've had my own hospital appt. Ever since day 2 she has hated it, hated going. We've had severe arguments just to get her to go. The staff say she's fine when she's there. I've taken to not saying now when it is to postpone the trauma & stress I'm feeling. This week she refused to get out of the car but I persuaded her. I've more or less decided not to take her anymore as I can't stand the stress of it. It's not worth it for the 3 hrs I get off. It takes me an hour there & back twice (9 mile round trip but bad traffic). After all this time she just hasn't settled. She's been in respite 3 times since she started but hates daycare says it's boring & refuses to join in with most activities. I would like people's thoughts on whether I should continue the struggle. I find on a Monday I'm thinking about it & getting stressed with Tuesday approaching, do I tell her it's Wednesday tomorrow then Wednesday is coming & I'm feeling sick with the stress. Mind you I felt really sickly & ill last Monday morning before I picked her up from respite. The whole scenario is wearing me down & I thought lets just get rid of the stress of it. My husband wasn't very pleased when I told him as it's the only time we can go for a walk if the weather's ok. Her dementia is really bad now & I can barely leave her an hour without her getting up to something dangerous (she lives next door). This is the only daycare for people with dementia in our city & we pay for it. Thoughts/advice appreciated.
We have had a visit from social worker to assess both my husband and myself, and to inform us of the "possibilities" for my hubby. When she heard that I had, in a period of 3 years only 3-half days on my own she suggested a day centre for John to go to.
In the course of the visit, of course he forgot, so she told him that he needed to allow me to have some time on my own and he surprised me by agreeing with her.
We are now awaiting a visit from the social care planning team !!
It looks as if it will not start before November because we are on holiday at the end of September but I am really looking forward to 1 day each week being able to recharge my batteries.
Watch this space. Would your husband not agree that you need a little time on your own.
Best of luck
