I'm in a similar situation. Mum (nearly 88) has been in care coming up to 3 years and had been eating well until the spring; but after moving from residential to nursing unit in the same home (mainly due to continence issues), her appetite declined and she stopped eating meals in May. She is now refusing almost all solid food - occasionally eats a few small slices of banana, a tiny piece of cheese or a grape, but most days has no food at all. They have been keeping her going with fruit squash, tea and coffee with fortified milk, and a bit of wine (the only thing she still enjoys and might stimulate appetite), but she will often refuse even liquids.
She's lost a shocking amount of weight in the last few weeks, is now about 5 stone, immobile without help (they can get her up with a hoist to sit in a chair and be wheeled to the bathroom), and is having a lot of hallucinations.
Three weeks ago, the nurse contacted me to ask if I "understood" that she was declining, which I took to mean imminently in end stage. I live 100 miles away and normally visit every other weekend, so I went down early and booked into a nearby hotel, psyched up for an indefinite stay. It was a huge emotional stress, thinking this might be the last time I'd see my mum and desperate to connect with her in some way - she still recognises me visually and is able to speak, but I don't think she really knows me any more, which I am finding very upsetting, even though I've been mentally prepared for it for a long time.
But after a terribly poignant long afternoon at her bedside, the next day she was up and dressed in the chair and relatively bright; same the next day. I didn't know whether to carry on staying there or go back home and visit as usual at the weekend. The nurse said she thought mum could be like this for a while, so I went home and came back at the weekend - again, feeling sick with apprehension.
That visit was not so good, as mum was in a very antagonistic mood; but she was at least physically stronger, it seemed, so I went home again - and cried all the way. Made a third visit this Saturday just gone - she's much the same. And I'm in limbo.
I had got into a routine of visiting in a round trip on the same day, and concentrating on just trying to have as pleasant a time with mum as possible - i.e. one in which nothing distressing was said or done. But now the stakes seem so huge that every time I lie awake feeling sick the night before and all the way there, and cry on the way back, because there's so little connection between us now and I'm so desperate to feel some recognition from her each time, in case it's our last.
I spoke to a relative who's a GP, and he says he is constantly amazed at how long people can go on with very little nutrition. It is a terrible emotional wringer, specially after many years of already watching the person you love decline so cruelly from their real self.