Residential care and grief

[Adelemarie]

Hi, I am new to this forum, but wondered if anyone else had felt the way I do at the moment, and if they could offer nay help or advice on how to cope.
My Nan, who is very elderly, was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year. It had been apparent for about a year prior to this that all was not well, but she has declined with alarming speed in the last few months. She often has hallucinations, and on occasion does not know where she is or who we are.
On Wednesday she was moved, as an emergency admission, to a residential care home. Her husband, who has Parkinson's Disease, will be joining her there in 10 days, so at least they can be together. While I rationally understand that this is the best course of action for them both, and essential for my Nan's continued safety, I feel bereft.
I was not her main carer, and she has not been my Nan for some time now, certainly not as she used to be, but this feels like a loss. I am finding it hard that I can't just call her to see how she is (she lives too far away for me to pop in on a regular basis - about a 2 hr drive) and I don't know how to explain this to anyone else. I have lost my Nan, but I haven't.
I am going up as soon as I can to see her, taking a poster with pictures of all the family (labelled), to aid her memory and give visitors a talking point, and I am putting together a scrap book, with photos of holidays and other memories as she is better at recalling times past than current events. I just feel helpless, and bereaved. Is this normal? And what can I do to help her, to help my children understand, and to cope with my feeling of loss?
Sorry if this is the wrong place for these questions, and thanks for any help/support/advice.

 

[cathykins]

Hi, I am new to this forum, but wondered if anyone else had felt the way I do at the moment, and if they could offer nay help or advice on how to cope.
My Nan, who is very elderly, was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year. It had been apparent for about a year prior to this that all was not well, but she has declined with alarming speed in the last few months. She often has hallucinations, and on occasion does not know where she is or who we are.
On Wednesday she was moved, as an emergency admission, to a residential care home. Her husband, who has Parkinson's Disease, will be joining her there in 10 days, so at least they can be together. While I rationally understand that this is the best course of action for them both, and essential for my Nan's continued safety, I feel bereft.
I was not her main carer, and she has not been my Nan for some time now, certainly not as she used to be, but this feels like a loss. I am finding it hard that I can't just call her to see how she is (she lives too far away for me to pop in on a regular basis - about a 2 hr drive) and I don't know how to explain this to anyone else. I have lost my Nan, but I haven't.
I am going up as soon as I can to see her, taking a poster with pictures of all the family (labelled), to aid her memory and give visitors a talking point, and I am putting together a scrap book, with photos of holidays and other memories as she is better at recalling times past than current events. I just feel helpless, and bereaved. Is this normal? And what can I do to help her, to help my children understand, and to cope with my feeling of loss?
Sorry if this is the wrong place for these questions, and thanks for any help/support/advice.

Hello Adelemarie and welcome to the forum. I have only just joined myself, but have found a lot of information and support on the site.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Nan. If you read through some of the posts on this site, you will see that the feelings you have are very normal with this type of illness. You 'lose' your relative before they pass away, so it is not surprising you feel grief for the person you have known and lost. I feel exactly the same about my dear Mum who has not been my Mum for some months now. We have been told that she has months, rather than years to live, so we are trying to prepare ourselves for the inevitable.

It is such a good idea to take in the poster and scrap book, I am sure it will help your Nan and also the staff who work there, so they can get an idea about her life and family.

If you are finding it hard to cope on a daily basis, perhaps your doctor could arrange for some counselling? I think it is important to express your feelings, rather than hide them. Do you have anyone else you can talk to?

I wish you well in your struggle, and don't feel alone - there are many people who understand exactly how you feel, and are also struggling to cope with this awful disease.

Take care and keep in touch x

 

[katie1]

care and grief

Hello Adelemarie and welcome to the forum. I have only just joined myself, but have found a lot of information and support on the site.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Nan. If you read through some of the posts on this site, you will see that the feelings you have are very normal with this type of illness. You 'lose' your relative before they pass away, so it is not surprising you feel grief for the person you have known and lost. I feel exactly the same about my dear Mum who has not been my Mum for some months now. We have been told that she has months, rather than years to live, so we are trying to prepare ourselves for the inevitable.

It is such a good idea to take in the poster and scrap book, I am sure it will help your Nan and also the staff who work there, so they can get an idea about her life and family.

If you are finding it hard to cope on a daily basis, perhaps your doctor could arrange for some counselling? I think it is important to express your feelings, rather than hide them. Do you have anyone else you can talk to?

I wish you well in your struggle, and don't feel alone - there are many people who understand exactly how you feel, and are also struggling to cope with this awful disease.

Take care and keep in touch x

Hello
I too am new to this site and I am not entirely sure I have replied correctly to your post. But I wanted to tell you that you had thought of some lovely ideas to help your Nan remember events and to help staff build a picture of her and your family through the scrap book and poster, what a good idea. It helps people view her in a positive way and as part of a real family.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal and a necessary part of the process, a preparation for what is to come, a stage you will go through. Talk to others about how you feel--friends, family, counsellor, doctor, this and other forums, even age uk (if you are in Uk! or its equivalent elsewhere) and keep posting ideas on here!
Katie1

 

[mamato4]

Hello

Hello
I can only agree and sympathise with you on this. I too am new on the site, my Mum went into a CH just over a week ago and it is so hard. We have surrounded her with photos and her own things to make her feel comfortable and the staff have been lovely. It is hard to leave her there after visiting as she just wants to go home!! I can only hope, and this may sound harsh, that she enjoys what is left of her life, she is 88, and she succumbs to the inevitable before she gets much worse. x