How do I stop her...

[lizzybean]

...ringing me countless times on a Saturday night! She is driving me to distraction. Last night she called me 4 times between 5.30 & 6, it is the same every week. She wants to know what time I'm picking her up for Mass, she already had a note telling her so she must have talked to her sister. I confirmed the note was correct (approx. 5 times per call) I told her we were going out so I wouldn't be answering the phone for a while.

When I got back at 8.15 I had 12 messages ranging from, what time... to I don't think I can come because I feel rotten. She gets herself so worked up that I don't doubt she feels rotten.

Rang her & confirmed time. Made our tea & she left 4 messages while we were eating it! Rang & confirmed!! She then rang a further 6 times between 9 & 10.

My OH says to tell her I am not going in future but that won't work cos she'll forget! It is so ingrained in her that she goes on Sunday morning & she's been coming with me for 18 months or so. Just want for both our sakes these d*mned phone calls to stop on Saturday evening.

Oh! and BTW I will ring her at 8 today to see if she wants to go & can pretty much be certain that she will say no, she doesn't feel well enough. I know the whole thing is down to anxiety but I have no idea how to allay her fears.

 

[Ann Mac]

I used to hate to see the message light flashing before Mil moved in - we had a short spell of repeated phone calls where she was looking for her late husband, in a state of panic, because he hadn't come home from work - and it used to drive me mad We never found a way to stop it, and am just grateful we only had a short spell of that to contend with. I do know I was very grateful for the answer machine, which allowed us to have a little peace at least!

However, we get still the getting worked up about going out, and the last minute refusals and excuses, where she will say she is ill and doesn't want to go - this can be for anything from day care to a planned shopping trip, or something 'big' like my daughters graduation. I'm afraid I just get very firm - 'Sorry, it can't be cancelled, people have gone to a lot of trouble to organise it, arrangements have been made' etc, etc - and if she persists, I tell her that SHE has to get on the phone and do all the cancelling and make alternative arrangements - and this invariably stops her, as she seems to just accept that simply not going, wherever it is, without cancelling isn't on. She can and will be stroppy about it, but I just stay cheery and brisk and do my best to distract.

I hope someone can come up with a practical solution to the phone calls for you xxx

 

[itsmeagain]

It may be necessary to unplug the phone for a night, that way she will probably be able to leave her messages but it will not bother you.
Reassurance in this lady's case does not work, she doesn't retain the information.

 

[lizzybean]

Thanks guys, I wasn't really expecting a practical solution, probably just needed to moan as much as anything. Found a solution to the anxiety of the hairdressers, we changed her day! Mainly because it was more convenient for us. As it is a day earlier now I just turn up at hers 45 mins before appointment time, enough time to get changed, sort handbag out & off we go. No more Friday morning angst!
Can't do that with Mass tho. She is a life long church goer & it is ingrained, just wish I could find a way or a phrase that would put her mind at rest. I always tell her I will ring her in the morning to remind her but it doesn't work.
She has rung this morning & left a message (7.45) because the cleaner (carer) has muddled her up. Then was all flustered cos she only had an hour & a half to get ready in!

 

[marionq]

Can you take her to the vigil mass on a Saturday night instead? Ours is at 5.15 pm so you could have her back home by 6.30 pm and take the rest of the night off!

 

[Jessbow]

If its only a Sat evening she does it, I'd get an answerphone that records your voice and leave it switched on.

''Hello, I'll be picking you up for mass at 8.45am, Sorry got to go now, see you in the morning''

 

[lizzybean]

Hi Jessbow, not a bad idea but I still think she would leave messages & can you imagine what would happen if I forgot to record a new message? She would think she was going to Mass every day!
Our vigil is 6.30 which interferes with my night out, selfish I know! I think she would still need to go on Sunday as that is what she has always done.

 

[cobden28]

Leave the phone off the hook when you go to bed, perhaps, but with the answerphone set to record any messages that may come in overnight? Then deal with the messages promptly first thing in the morning?

 

[marionq]

Ok, how about one of the good people from the church either collecting her for mass on the Saturday or bringing her communion to the house so she doesn't get in a tizz. They do that in our churches. It would mean a break for you.

 

[griffy]

I have this trouble with my mom as well. She rings at least 6/7 Times a night. She rings during the day from 3.00 pm to see if she can go to bed. I keep trying to find her things to do to try and prolong the big-time bed but she goes about 8.00 pm. At least she can remember my telephone no although I do have three other siblings!

 

[Oxy]

I understand it is very wearing (been there). She won't remember days of week forever though-Sundays will then be more random. As a previous poster mentioned-could a church volunteer/befriender relieve you of this burden?
This anxiety business is so hard. I try wherever I can to not say where we need to go till last minute. but if it slips out 'we'll be late, when are we going, what time is it and sitting bolt upright on chair with handbag on lap held by both hands is more than frustrating. It is such a shame that they make life so hard for themselves and get so upset in process. Questions come with such frequency(broken record I know )-take heart that somehow you will become accustomed to it to a degree and not get so upset by it. You at least have option to turn off ringer but when I cared at a distance I never dared do it unless help was really required. Hard one.

 

[lizzybean]

It is not a burden taking her, I am a lifelong church goer myself & I have been having the phone calls for the last 2 years so I am used to them. It's just that Saturday night she really ramps them up, gets herself in such a tizz. She starts getting her outfit ready mid afternoon on Saturday.
All I'm trying to do is find some words that actually get through so that her anxiety levels don't go through the roof. Oh & she never ever knows what day it is except on a Saturday. Even on Sunday mornings she will ask me what day is it & we could be in church when she is asking me!

 

[starryuk]

As it is a day earlier now I just turn up at hers 45 mins before appointment time, enough time to get changed, sort handbag out & off we go

As this has worked with the hairdresser, I was wondering if you could allay your mum's anxiety, by telling her you are not going to Mass on Sunday at all. Then just turn up in the morning, get her ready and take her...just a thought.

 

[Tin]

Dear lizzybean, I know how you feel. Mum seems to have a 4 day cycle, reasonably calm for 1st 2 days, come Thursday/Friday anxiety starts to build and this tends to centre around her wardrobe, clothes come out worn and then changed, by Saturday, all sorts of questions about what we are doing, what day it is, what shall she wear. I feel I just have to let it pass, almost like she needs to get it out of her system. Worst night for mum is usually Friday and I spend most of the evening trying to work out if I should give her a sleeping pill in a hope that after a good nights sleep this weekend pattern will not appear, but it does not help, sometimes I think it increases her anxiety as she talks in her sleep a lot. Sorry, no advice just hope you can get through it to Monday morning relatively intact and ready to face another week!

 

[Oxy]

On reflection Fri/weekends are least good frequently here too. I wondered if it's me but it must be in the air. I can't offer suggestions and I think that is because when a real dementia episode arises it is impossible, or so it seems, to deflect caree from 'stuck in the mud time'.

 

[lizzybean]

StarryUk, that's an idea! She wouldn't just accept " I'm not going this week" because she would press for a reason but I could say I was going to a Baptism. Have to get up 1/2 hour earlier on Sunday mornings but it might be worth it for a peaceful Saturday night.

Will try that this week.

BTW she rang me at 7.45 this morning to ask if I was going to Mass!!!

 

[ASH74]

We invested in a digital phone system that had caller ID also you can block certain calls at certain times. So FIL's number is blocked from 9 pm till 9 am and during the day we can see if it is his call and answer or ignore depending on stress levels etc...he has on occasions had whole conversations with the answer phone....he didn't need us....we are currently in a calmer phase.

Oxy my MIL also sits with her handbag perched on her lap.....especially when waiting for patient transport......and the general level of hysteria that ensures is unbelievable for any outing....I could get a class of 30 on a school trip with less hassle and need for a G&T at the end of it!

Returning to the original problem I would invest in caller ID at least! It only deflects the problem but....


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[lizzybean]

I have a digital phone & caller ID. I can't not answer the phone! One of these times it will be serious & I won't forgive myself. That is why I listen to every message "just in case".
If stress levels are high I will let it go to answer phone & monitor, I don't always call back, especially if an hour or so has gone by & I feel she may have forgotten.
It's just that on Saturdays she is relentless, getting more & more worked up.

 

[ASH74]

I am with you I always listen to the message....


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[Ballykeith]

Tape - or superglue -the details to her telephone? Maybe if she sees this every time she goes to the phone, she might just be reassured & call less often.