Visiting mum
- Thread starter MrsTerryN
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Mrs Terry, TP is a place where we can ramble and get things off our chests. It's about lightening our emotional loads. So don't feel you cannot ramble on, you certainly can.
Today was so bittersweet.
Edited - too much rambling on my part
Obviously never read my rambling posts then
I have fallen asleep writing mine
Mum is "discovering new things" each day. For example on Friday she informed me '' it was such a shock to find out I can't leave here without someone ' mum has actually been complaining about that since about week 2 which was about 7 weeks ago. It is funny to see what she retains and what she doesn't. There is a male staff member she detests, not for any particular reason except he does patronize the residents. That dislike is consistent. However any things are new each day. I do get confused because I might bring up something from yesterday's discussions and am told off because "that did not happen" or "I did not say that"
The oldest thing is we have had one exceptional brilliant day and four incredible delusional etc.
The oldest thing is we have had one exceptional brilliant day and four incredible delusional etc.
My mum does that with food. Discovers something new every day as she has never had it before. It is sad, isn't it.
The 'discovering new things' is something I can relate to - Mil often 'only just finds out' that she lives with us (been here 11 months), that she has Grandchildren ("Nobody ever told me before that I have Grandchildren") and yesterday she informed my Hubby that she wished someone had told her that 'You and Ann are married" (22 years last April!). The confusion in dealing with it is understandable - after several consecutive days of starting every day by explaining I was married to her son, one morning I volunteered that info 'unsolicited', on auto pilot, almost, so used to having to tell her - and very snottily I was informed that she knows who I am, thank you very much - its not as if she is in her "dotage"
Just impossible to tell what information she is able to recall or retain from one minute to the next!
Mum told me today that she had '******ed up' being allowed to go out by herself (which wouldn't happen anyway) because she couldn't remember where she was. E. G. The nursing home, when I reminded her about ten minutes later as one of the numerous reasons she can't leave the home unattended she was horrified at me and said that didn't happen.
I agree Ann you try to prempt something that has been happening so as to make them happier and we still get it wrong. Some days I really dread visiting mum
Ooh I didn't realize that was a bad word
I agree Ann you try to prempt something that has been happening so as to make them happier and we still get it wrong
. Some days I really dread visiting mumOoh I didn't realize that was a bad word
it makes conversation tricky doesnt it? mums latest obsession is to go through everyonesname to ask if they are dead or not .she finds it hard to believe her parents are dead. do i tell her the truth? or just let it go . she wants to go and see them if i dont explain but has forgotten by the next day.very sad conversations every day and somewhat depressing.also food can be full of new discoveries (dont like this shepherds pie cant i have what i had yesterday(shepherds pie!))
For about a week now mum has been introducing me to everyone and on the weekends when my husband had visited she has done the same.
"have you met my daughter Terry? " though my husband said when she was introducing him to a staff member she forgot his name though knew his relationship to her.
Mind you all these staff have met us in numerous times. We visited at least once a day and sometimes twice.
"have you met my daughter Terry? " though my husband said when she was introducing him to a staff member she forgot his name though knew his relationship to her.
Mind you all these staff have met us in numerous times. We visited at least once a day and sometimes twice.
Very amused to hear how 'snottily' your MIL can react! lol
The 'discovering new things' is something I can relate to - Mil often 'only just finds out' that she lives with us (been here 11 months), that she has Grandchildren ("Nobody ever told me before that I have Grandchildren") and yesterday she informed my Hubby that she wished someone had told her that 'You and Ann are married" (22 years last April!). The confusion in dealing with it is understandable - after several consecutive days of starting every day by explaining I was married to her son, one morning I volunteered that info 'unsolicited', on auto pilot, almost, so used to having to tell her - and very snottily I was informed that she knows who I am, thank you very much - its not as if she is in her "dotage"
Im always introduced to the staff ... Sometimes as her daughter, sometimes as "look who's come to visit"
Every time I visit mum, she shows me round her "new" room
She has been in this care home 1 year
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Every time I visit mum, she shows me round her "new" room
She has been in this care home 1 year
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
My grandmother has been in her nursing home for 18 months and I still get introduced to everyone, usually as her niece, but she doesn't even have a niece! She's also just decided that she likes to drink coffee at 100 years old, I can't recall her ever drinking coffee before. Still she's happy in her own world (mostly).
Sent from my Lenovo B8000-F using Talking Point mobile app
Sent from my Lenovo B8000-F using Talking Point mobile app
It is the 'mostly' bit that is causing me grief. She was absolutely horrible today. Saying it was me that wouldn't let her go out. She was cranky, sullen, crying, rude. When she came to see me she told me to be quiet and just go. Seriously the people who have their spouses/family members at home are incredible. I walked out of there and burst into tears in the car. My poor husband has now borne the brunt of it
I must say I found the first 6 months the worst, I was never blamed directly by my gran, but she did try to manipulate my emotions a lot. She blames her son the most, but he rarely visits and has little time for her. Maybe there's a history there I dont know about.
Some days I visit (like yesterday) she's lovely and happy to see me and thanks me for popping in. Other days she cries like a baby on me until I can distract her with a cuppa. But then a few weeks ago she had a complete 'reset' and asked how long she had been in the NH and had she been asleep the whole time?
Every visit is different and I think it is the fear of the unknown that worries me before every visit, BUT in two weeks I go on holiday, and for the first time I will not be worrying about how she is and is she coping!
Some days I visit (like yesterday) she's lovely and happy to see me and thanks me for popping in. Other days she cries like a baby on me until I can distract her with a cuppa. But then a few weeks ago she had a complete 'reset' and asked how long she had been in the NH and had she been asleep the whole time?
Every visit is different and I think it is the fear of the unknown that worries me before every visit, BUT in two weeks I go on holiday, and for the first time I will not be worrying about how she is and is she coping!
That is great about a holiday at wits end. I must say I am looking forward to mine in October. We go to the USA for three weeks.
I think that is where I am starting to struggle and dread each visit. My husband doesn't think I should go every day. However I moved her to a home that is only ten minutes from my place so I could see her often. The changes in mood and mental capacity from day to day (today from min to min). It is very draining.
I think that is where I am starting to struggle and dread each visit. My husband doesn't think I should go every day. However I moved her to a home that is only ten minutes from my place so I could see her often. The changes in mood and mental capacity from day to day (today from min to min). It is very draining.
It certainly is draining. I see my mum nearly every day and every day I dread how she is going to be, its so unpredictable. Some days it's bad, but some days she is happyish and that is a relief. It surprises me how on the boil she can seem and then how off she can go.
Re being standoffish, one of my mum's favourite things is to tick me off for my poor memory (when I am pretending I can't remember where her friend who died 50 years ago is, etc). She pronounces that I have a terribly poor memory, unlike herself, hers apparently remains excellent.
Re being standoffish, one of my mum's favourite things is to tick me off for my poor memory (when I am pretending I can't remember where her friend who died 50 years ago is, etc
). She pronounces that I have a terribly poor memory, unlike herself, hers apparently remains excellent.
That is the weird bit for me. Just the uncertainty of what mood or frame of mind she will be in
When I say to mum oh I have forgotten xyz she says you are getting like meRe being standoffish, one of my mum's favourite things is to tick me off for my poor memory (when I am pretending I can't remember where her friend who died 50 years ago is, etc
I have to say Mrs terry i have cut down my visits a lot but even that causes guilt. At first I want daily, as I had been when she was at home, then I gave myself one day a week off, then 2. Now I go every 3 or 4 days and if I feel unwell even less. As every day is a new day, and she has built relationships with the staff and relatives of other residents, she doesn't seem to notice now even if I don't go for a whole week!
Try and give yourself one day a week off at least. It will really help you cope with the other 6 days.
Sent from my Lenovo B8000-F using Talking Point mobile app
Try and give yourself one day a week off at least. It will really help you cope with the other 6 days.
Sent from my Lenovo B8000-F using Talking Point mobile app
It might be worth having a word with your mum's carers. Ask how she is when you aren't there for example - it could be you're getting the wrath because it wouldn't do for her to tell you you were right and she is in fact enjoying the place! Another thing to ask is whether she is better at different times of day where you could perhaps alter the times that you visit and see if that makes a difference.
If she is generally annoyed with others and not just you then I would perhaps ask them if you can give them a ring to see how she is before you depart. If she is having a particularly bad day, then that might be the time to make alternative arrangements for that day.
Another thing to consider is that if you get into a routine then it can be that she is sitting waiting for your arrival and fuelling her wrath in anticipation. It might be worth testing whether you vary the times and the days that you visit to perhaps stop this happening - at least see if it makes a difference.
If she is behaving badly then there is nothing wrong with you telling her that if she doesn't stop you will go and speak to that nice lady over there instead and/or you will go home. You have to be prepared to follow through though. Do you retreat to her room when you visit? If so, then you might try sitting in the lounge with her instead - perhaps she will modify her tone if others are around and maybe solicit the help of the carers and get them to mention to her that she is not being nice to you.
It won't make you feel any better when you're at the receiving end of it, but it is a sort of backhanded compliment to you in that she feels secure enough with you to voice her frustrations knowing that you won't walk away and it also shows she has some fight in her which, in my experience, is not a bad thing - you'd be equally as worried if she was sitting in a chair all day, head down and depressed/resigned. Bit like her trying to maintain the upper hand in the mother/daughter relationship isn't it.
I hope that your mum gets over this anger and that you can have some quality time together soon.
Fiona
If she is generally annoyed with others and not just you then I would perhaps ask them if you can give them a ring to see how she is before you depart. If she is having a particularly bad day, then that might be the time to make alternative arrangements for that day.
Another thing to consider is that if you get into a routine then it can be that she is sitting waiting for your arrival and fuelling her wrath in anticipation. It might be worth testing whether you vary the times and the days that you visit to perhaps stop this happening - at least see if it makes a difference.
If she is behaving badly then there is nothing wrong with you telling her that if she doesn't stop you will go and speak to that nice lady over there instead and/or you will go home. You have to be prepared to follow through though. Do you retreat to her room when you visit? If so, then you might try sitting in the lounge with her instead - perhaps she will modify her tone if others are around and maybe solicit the help of the carers and get them to mention to her that she is not being nice to you.
It won't make you feel any better when you're at the receiving end of it, but it is a sort of backhanded compliment to you in that she feels secure enough with you to voice her frustrations knowing that you won't walk away and it also shows she has some fight in her which, in my experience, is not a bad thing - you'd be equally as worried if she was sitting in a chair all day, head down and depressed/resigned. Bit like her trying to maintain the upper hand in the mother/daughter relationship isn't it.
I hope that your mum gets over this anger and that you can have some quality time together soon.
Fiona
