Worst weekend of my life

[Isabella]

I just need to vent.

This has been the worst weekend of my life. I don't know where to begin. Due to the kindness of a distant relative, I've been able to secure funding for my mother to move to a residential home in the area where I live. I informed the SS in my mother's area about the move date and thought that would be it. Perhaps they'd even be glad to be rid of both us. Then on Saturday I received a letter from them saying they do not believe my mother should be in a residential home and that they have written to my local SS to share their objections to what I am doing.

I cried for about two hours. What kind of monsters are these people? I know they can't stop me. I'm paying for the home and have power of attorney. But that they would TRY to stop me, after the neglect and filth they have left my mother in for a year?????! I have reached the end of what I can take.

Or so I thought. A few hours later, got a call from the police. Carer arrived and mum is missing, front door wide open and no-one home. Police start search. Eventually, I get a call from A&E to say they think they have a lady there who is my mother, can I come have a look? I get there, and she's lying in bed with her face all bloody. We still don't know what happened, but assume she had a fall while wandering as a member of the public found her and called 999.

A&E say, yeah she's really confused. But we can't keep her. I begged. The doctor eventually found a bed for the night but the next day once helpful compassionate doctor was no longer on shift, they sent her home. I don't have a car so red cross volunteers took her. As they tried to leave she started wandering again, repeatedly, and then on the the final occasion she came out half dressed. They put her back inside again and called for a doctor.

The doctor said yes of course she isn't safe to be home and called for an ambulance to take her back to A&E.

A&E said she's fine. But agreed to admit her for one night. Today the hospital agrees that she isn't safe to be left alone, but essentially it isn't their problem. Then to really add insult to injury, while I was taking her to the toilet at hospital, before I could get her on the seat she had explosive diarrhea all over the toilet and the wall. That almost sounds funny, but I wanted to die. That is literally the thought that popped into my head.

After much back and forth, the out of hours social worker (these things always happen when the SS people responsible are not in the office - bet they're having a lovely relaxing weekend) decided she could go home with a 24 hour sitter. Of course, they can't quite understand why I can't just look after her. I explained that like most normal members of society I have a job. And besides, I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep taking her to the toilet and wiping the c r * p from her bottom. Sorry. I must be a bad person because many people on here do it, but I just can't.

So now I'm at home. She's at home. I assume she's ok as I haven't had a called from the police or a&E for 30 mins or so.

But I feel awful. And I feel like I need to talk to someone but who would understand?

I've never felt so alone and depressed in my life.

 

[Noorza]

The hospital are wrong, the have a duty of care to facilitate a safe discharge even if the can't treat her medically. If you find yourself in this situation again, put it in writing to the ward sister, ask for a REACT team assessment and find out where the PALS section is in your hospital and get their support.

Not much use now I know but for future reference.

 

[Izzy]

Oh Isabella. That is so wrong on every level. I'm sorry I can't offer advice. Just sympathy and a listening ear. I hope you're ok.

 

[Pookie]

Poor Mum&yourself. Can't believe you had a terrible week. I am so very sorry.
Sending ( ( ( ( ( cuddles ) ) ) ) ) it's all I have.

Sent from my GT-I8190N using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Raggedrobin]

That is truly awful, how terrible for you. So what to do now? Sounds like she should have been sent straight by SS to a home, but if you have a place for her in residential, can she go there now? What are SS's objections? Do they feel she needs to go to a dementia unit rather than a residential home?
I know that nightmare feeling of being completely alone with it. I know we are only on the computer, but you are not alone we share these times together xxx

 

[Isabella]

Well their objections are that they think she is fully independent and that it wouldn't be right to put her in one room for the rest of their life. Of course this is nuts, but they're pretty stupid. They ask mum if she understands - she says yes - and they say, there we are, everything is fine.

I don't quite have the money yet. The moving date is booked for when I have the fees. Soon, but not soon enough. I will call the home tomorrow and see what can be done. Its' only £3200 I need for them to accept her (!) so maybe I'll just have to get a loan in the meantime.

Thanks for your support everyone.

 

[LYN T]

How often do we hear of these terrible incidents on TP-why don't SW's listen? How on Earth can any person think your Mum is not vulnerable?

I know this is very stressful for you but, in anticipation of any trouble from the SS dept near you, I would send them a letter outlining what has happened this weekend.

And another one to the head of SS's where your Mum lives at the moment. Their actions are totally unacceptable.GRRRRR

Take care

Lyn T

 

[dalmation lady]

These Social Workers (I totally accept there are some good ones) sit in their ivory towers dealing with our loved ones as numbers on a computer. They neither see care or try to understand the daily struggle people have in their unpaid jobs as carers to family members. We hold down jobs, wake in the night to deal with emergencies, fit in drs hospital appointments, around family life and work commitments,
Our loved ones who are now unfortunate enough in the latter years of their lives to have drawn the short straw and are now suffering from the horrors of dementia and it's associated conditions, have lived long life's, worked hard, paid into a system which promised to care for them in their old age, bought up their own families to be decent members of society
All we ask is for our family members to be treated with dignity and compassion, and when it all gets too much all we ask is for someone to lend a helping hand not go out of their way to add to an impossible burden.
Enjoy your long bank holiday weekend social services to some of us it was just another day of struggle

 

[SueShell]

I just need to vent.

This has been the worst weekend of my life. I don't know where to begin. Due to the kindness of a distant relative, I've been able to secure funding for my mother to move to a residential home in the area where I live. I informed the SS in my mother's area about the move date and thought that would be it. Perhaps they'd even be glad to be rid of both us. Then on Saturday I received a letter from them saying they do not believe my mother should be in a residential home and that they have written to my local SS to share their objections to what I am doing.

I cried for about two hours. What kind of monsters are these people? I know they can't stop me. I'm paying for the home and have power of attorney. But that they would TRY to stop me, after the neglect and filth they have left my mother in for a year?????! I have reached the end of what I can take.

Or so I thought. A few hours later, got a call from the police. Carer arrived and mum is missing, front door wide open and no-one home. Police start search. Eventually, I get a call from A&E to say they think they have a lady there who is my mother, can I come have a look? I get there, and she's lying in bed with her face all bloody. We still don't know what happened, but assume she had a fall while wandering as a member of the public found her and called 999.

A&E say, yeah she's really confused. But we can't keep her. I begged. The doctor eventually found a bed for the night but the next day once helpful compassionate doctor was no longer on shift, they sent her home. I don't have a car so red cross volunteers took her. As they tried to leave she started wandering again, repeatedly, and then on the the final occasion she came out half dressed. They put her back inside again and called for a doctor.

The doctor said yes of course she isn't safe to be home and called for an ambulance to take her back to A&E.

A&E said she's fine. But agreed to admit her for one night. Today the hospital agrees that she isn't safe to be left alone, but essentially it isn't their problem. Then to really add insult to injury, while I was taking her to the toilet at hospital, before I could get her on the seat she had explosive diarrhea all over the toilet and the wall. That almost sounds funny, but I wanted to die. That is literally the thought that popped into my head.

After much back and forth, the out of hours social worker (these things always happen when the SS people responsible are not in the office - bet they're having a lovely relaxing weekend) decided she could go home with a 24 hour sitter. Of course, they can't quite understand why I can't just look after her. I explained that like most normal members of society I have a job. And besides, I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep taking her to the toilet and wiping the c r * p from her bottom. Sorry. I must be a bad person because many people on here do it, but I just can't.

So now I'm at home. She's at home. I assume she's ok as I haven't had a called from the police or a&E for 30 mins or so.

But I feel awful. And I feel like I need to talk to someone but who would understand?

I've never felt so alone and depressed in my life.

This is just dreadful!! No wonder you feel the way you do, I would as well. I know others on here say the same thing, and its easier said than done, but you now have to make it absolutely clear to SS that you are walking away from the situation and she HAS to go into a CH. Try contacting your Mum's local councillor, the one that sits on the elderly care board (normally the local authority will tell you who this is on their website). These sorts of situations make me so mad. What sort of society do we live in where two people are suffering like this and no-one gives a **** ! That is you and your Mother.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Oh Isabella, all I can say is It's just Not Fair! How can this happen to decent people in a civilised society? I'm SO sorry. Sending a big hug, and shedding tears for you.

 

[21citrouilles]

I was horrified reading your account of what happened.

Are these people in the system crazy, in denial, insensitive? Probably all of it. It's terrible for you to have to encounter this when the situation is so dire. Autonomous when she wanders and is lost, suffers an injury from it, is incontinent and lives in filfth?

I admire you for having survived through all of this. Of course she needs to live someplace where she'll be cared for and safe, and you need a break from all this madness.

I'm praying for you, hoping that what you wish for happens.

 

[ddurbridge74]

This is just dreadful!! No wonder you feel the way you do, I would as well. I know others on here say the same thing, and its easier said than done, but you now have to make it absolutely clear to SS that you are walking away from the situation and she HAS to go into a CH. Try contacting your Mum's local councillor, the one that sits on the elderly care board (normally the local authority will tell you who this is on their website). These sorts of situations make me so mad. What sort of society do we live in where two people are suffering like this and no-one gives a **** ! That is you and your Mother.

your'e not a bad person. if you really believe that , you wouldn't have done what you have. believe you me. I KNOW. keep chin up please. x all the best

 

[Wolfsgirl]

y heart really goes out to you! I have heard here that if you quote to SS and or hospital staff that they must take responsibility for a 'vulnerable adult' this shakes them up a lot.

Pity you cannot report these acts of endangering life to the police - maybe you should! It is absolutely criminal. Your poor little Mum - keep strong hopefully you can get this sorted really soon xxx

I just need to vent.

This has been the worst weekend of my life. I don't know where to begin. Due to the kindness of a distant relative, I've been able to secure funding for my mother to move to a residential home in the area where I live. I informed the SS in my mother's area about the move date and thought that would be it. Perhaps they'd even be glad to be rid of both us. Then on Saturday I received a letter from them saying they do not believe my mother should be in a residential home and that they have written to my local SS to share their objections to what I am doing.

I cried for about two hours. What kind of monsters are these people? I know they can't stop me. I'm paying for the home and have power of attorney. But that they would TRY to stop me, after the neglect and filth they have left my mother in for a year?????! I have reached the end of what I can take.

Or so I thought. A few hours later, got a call from the police. Carer arrived and mum is missing, front door wide open and no-one home. Police start search. Eventually, I get a call from A&E to say they think they have a lady there who is my mother, can I come have a look? I get there, and she's lying in bed with her face all bloody. We still don't know what happened, but assume she had a fall while wandering as a member of the public found her and called 999.

A&E say, yeah she's really confused. But we can't keep her. I begged. The doctor eventually found a bed for the night but the next day once helpful compassionate doctor was no longer on shift, they sent her home. I don't have a car so red cross volunteers took her. As they tried to leave she started wandering again, repeatedly, and then on the the final occasion she came out half dressed. They put her back inside again and called for a doctor.

The doctor said yes of course she isn't safe to be home and called for an ambulance to take her back to A&E.

A&E said she's fine. But agreed to admit her for one night. Today the hospital agrees that she isn't safe to be left alone, but essentially it isn't their problem. Then to really add insult to injury, while I was taking her to the toilet at hospital, before I could get her on the seat she had explosive diarrhea all over the toilet and the wall. That almost sounds funny, but I wanted to die. That is literally the thought that popped into my head.

After much back and forth, the out of hours social worker (these things always happen when the SS people responsible are not in the office - bet they're having a lovely relaxing weekend) decided she could go home with a 24 hour sitter. Of course, they can't quite understand why I can't just look after her. I explained that like most normal members of society I have a job. And besides, I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep taking her to the toilet and wiping the c r * p from her bottom. Sorry. I must be a bad person because many people on here do it, but I just can't.

So now I'm at home. She's at home. I assume she's ok as I haven't had a called from the police or a&E for 30 mins or so.

But I feel awful. And I feel like I need to talk to someone but who would understand?

I've never felt so alone and depressed in my life.

 

[ddurbridge74]

there is a nhs policy called continuation of care funding, for whom they believe should be placed in a care home. non means tested. as a carer it doe's break us to see our loved ones with this awful disease and how it hurts them. sometimes we must do what is best for them, even though we don't want it to happen.

 

[2jays]

Mums care home wanted a deposit of a weeks care, plus a weeks care in advance. I didn't say yes.... I didn't say no.

We moved mum into the care home

When in the office sorting paperwork...... I told them that I couldn't provide a deposit straight away, and I could only pay at the end of the month for mums fees as her money was tied up.

It's dealing with dementia training.... Or I'm sooo good at white lies.....

I have not paid the deposit, and I pay her care home fees in arrears

Unless someone from the care home reads TP and next week I'm asked.... I have not been asked for the deposit or asked to pay in advance since mum moved in. She's been in this care home nearly a year

I have never verbally refused to pay the deposit, or the fees in advance....

We've had "end of year accounting" and as far as the statement reports, mum is up to date with her fees so I feel no need to pay the deposit now... Or pay in advance

All it took was, not lying.... But not offering any information, unless explicitly asked..... And then tweaking it a bit.

I make sure mums "extras" bill is always in credit, even if I feel the need to question some of the extras I'm charged, that I know should not be charged for. I pay the extras bill, then question it.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Brilliant!!!

Mums care home wanted a deposit of a weeks care, plus a weeks care in advance. I didn't say yes.... I didn't say no.

We moved mum into the care home

When in the office sorting paperwork...... I told them that I couldn't provide a deposit straight away, and I could only pay at the end of the month for mums fees as her money was tied up.

It's dealing with dementia training.... Or I'm sooo good at white lies.....

I have not paid the deposit, and I pay her care home fees in arrears

Unless someone from the care home reads TP and next week I'm asked.... I have not been asked for the deposit or asked to pay in advance since mum moved in. She's been in this care home nearly a year

I have never verbally refused to pay the deposit, or the fees in advance....

We've had "end of year accounting" and as far as the statement reports, mum is up to date with her fees so I feel no need to pay the deposit now... Or pay in advance

All it took was, not lying.... But not offering any information, unless explicitly asked..... And then tweaking it a bit.

I make sure mums "extras" bill is always in credit, even if I feel the need to question some of the extras I'm charged, that I know should not be charged for. I pay the extras bill, then question it.

 

[Isabella]

y heart really goes out to you! I have heard here that if you quote to SS and or hospital staff that they must take responsibility for a 'vulnerable adult' this shakes them up a lot.

Pity you cannot report these acts of endangering life to the police - maybe you should! It is absolutely criminal. Your poor little Mum - keep strong hopefully you can get this sorted really soon xxx

Sadly the police already know and in my eyes are just as responsible. They have been called out a dozen times now. When I made a complaint to SS that they hadn't acted on the vulnerable adult referals from the police, it turned out the police hadn't been passing them on...

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Oh Isabella again I feel so outraged on your behalf! Sounds like lots of buck passing. Have you asked for the complaints procedure? If not perhaps do this? So hard to fight when you are feeling so wounded on behalf of your loved one and absolutely not bloody fair!

Outraged for you xxx

Sadly the police already know and in my eyes are just as responsible. They have been called out a dozen times now. When I made a complaint to SS that they hadn't acted on the vulnerable adult referals from the police, it turned out the police hadn't been passing them on...

 

[Not so Rosy]

I am so sorry you have had such a dreadful weekend. Although the police were mostly wonderful at reporting things about my Dad there were a number of occasions when they didn't.

In the end I left a folder in a prominent place in the living room with a note saying if you have just returned my Dad home or are worried about his behaviour, please leave a note. The police did leave several as did random people who brought him home at various times. At least it gave me more ammunition for SS.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Isabella, like everyone else I am absolutely appalled reading your post. I have no experience with this sort of thing so can't offer much help - but ... I wanted to reassure you that you are not the only one who doesn't want to/can't bring themselves to wipe their mother's bottom. Because that applies to me to.

I know that if I had to do it, in an emergency, if there was no-one else available, then I would manage, because I wouldn't leave her dirty and uncomfortable and undignified. But it's not something I could do as a routine.

I hope you can get the powers that be to listen to you, you have my utmost sympathy.

xx