I am unable to cope - Period

[Dave K]

I have had enough, really had enough

I cannot take it any longer, my life is absolute hell

I can not put my wife in a care home and I can not keep on going, I have tried, really I have tried.

I am at my wits end and have no where to turn too that can help my situation

I see no point in going any further as my life is absolutely gone

 

[stanleypj]

Dave, it sounds as if you are in a bad place.

I'm sure there are many other members who have felt this desperation and I hope they will respond.

I haven't, but I can well understand how the disease can push you there. I find that the slightest setback can sometimes make things that I normally cope with much harder. And I know I am fairly 'lucky' in caring for someone who is only too willing to be helped.

Have you thought about contacting the Samaritans? That's what I've promised myself I will do if I ever do feel as desperate as you sound,

It certainly can't make things worse:

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/different-ways-you-can-get-touch/most-people-phone-us

 

[jeany123]

Oh Dave I m so very sorry you are feeling like this, Why can't your wife go to a care home you would be able to visit and still help in the care but not have any of the stress of trying to look after her yourself, please find some help, phone the Alzheimers society or the SW if you have one and tell them how you feel, I hope you get some help it is heartbreaking isn't it,
I am sure other people will be along soon with advice and support,

Best Wishes Jeany

 

[Izzy]

I agree with Stanleypj. I think you should phone the Samaritans and have a talk with someone. The number is

08457 909090

Please speak to someone.

 

[jellyfish]

Oh Dave I'm so sorry to read of your desperation. The emotional pain this illness causes for partners can be extreme. Your wife will still need you no matter what happens. Please find someone to talk to about your feelings as soon as you can. Kindest wishes xxx

 

[kd7279]

Dave,
I reached just this point with my wife last year. I was desparate and in the end, although I vowed that it would never happen, I had to put her into care.
I'm sure that you have exhausted every possibility and can see no way out, so, for both your sakes, think again. She will be cared for by profesionals and, you can see her every day.
Keith

 

[jaymor]

Hi Dave,

So sorry you are feeling this way. I had to agree to my husband entering a nursing home nearly two years ago. The care he receives and the help the staff give me I know it was the right decision. We are both in a much better place than we were before he went into the nursing home.

We have been married 48 years, Alzheimer's robbed us of 9 years of that time but now thanks to the care within the nursing home, we have a little of the good time back.

Take care,

Jay

 

[LYN T]

Deep breath Dave, deep breath my friend

I never thought my Husband would go into a care home-but that's exactly what happened. No it's not easy, but sometimes it's necessary. You cannot carry on that's clear-but you can carry on caring for your wife. I am very instrumental in my Husband's care; I'm consulted at every turn, and I have a very good relationship with the carers.They are lovely people and, if I'm honest, he has better care where he is than when he was at home. Exhaustion stopped me being able to care as I once had and it sounds that you are at that point now.

24/7 caring is soul destroying however much we love our spouse; and, believe me, I love my Husband very much.You will be able to gather your strength if the caring is not so full on.

You will still be needed; I feed my Husband a meal everyday and give him a hand massage,put vaseline on his lips, give him his medication,cuddle him and sing to him and discuss what is best for him.

So you see Dave there are plenty of ways to show how you care and you will always champion your wife.

Please, please phone the Samaritans they will listen. Then phone your wife's SW or CPN (you should have an emergency number) and tell them EXACTLY how you feel

Take good care of yourself

Lyn T

 

[Eleonora]

OK Dave - I'm afraid that if you truly can't put your dear wife into Care; and you can't find the strength to continue to look after her alone, as you have written ; then you have just one choice before you go under. If that happens, you will not be able to take care of your wife as you would wish.

You must get some help! Otherwise, you'll not be of any use to her, and you will hate yourself.

There is help to be had out there, and you must forget pride, and ignore your wife's protests. Go out there and fight like a tiger to get help for her and for yourself.

If you can afford it, you might have to insist on a cleaner for a few hours a week.
If your wife can be coaxed into understanding that your work is suffering while you have to do all the housework, washing and cooking, she might agree that you need to keep the money rolling in, and that you need help in the house.

There are many excellent care agencies, with specially trained staff who will sit with your wife whilst you have a break; most will also do some ironing or light housework at the same time.
Social Services will possibly be of help there, and you need all the assistance you can get, to help you to be the best carer you can be.

It seems that your son and his girlfriend need a reality check too! A few home truths about just coming down for their meals might be in order. They need to get their heads out of the clouds, and either buckle down to help out - or get out and stand on their own two feet. You've got better things to do than cook for them.

I know that everything I've written has been mentioned by others, and you'll probably think, "what does she know" - but you need to take the initiative to reorganise your life before you go under.

It's a tough path you're walking, but there are others on the same road, and they all wish you well.

 

[stanleypj]

OK Dave - I'm afraid that if you truly can't put your dear wife into Care; and you can't find the strength to continue to look after her alone, as you have written ; then you have just one choice before you go under. If that happens, you will not be able to take care of your wife as you would wish.

You must get some help! Otherwise, you'll not be of any use to her, and you will hate yourself.

There is help to be had out there, and you must forget pride, and ignore your wife's protests. Go out there and fight like a tiger to get help for her and for yourself.

If you can afford it, you might have to insist on a cleaner for a few hours a week.
If your wife can be coaxed into understanding that your work is suffering while you have to do all the housework, washing and cooking, she might agree that you need to keep the money rolling in, and that you need help in the house.

There are many excellent care agencies, with specially trained staff who will sit with your wife whilst you have a break; most will also do some ironing or light housework at the same time.
Social Services will possibly be of help there, and you need all the assistance you can get, to help you to be the best carer you can be.

It seems that your son and his girlfriend need a reality check too! A few home truths about just coming down for their meals might be in order. They need to get their heads out of the clouds, and either buckle down to help out - or get out and stand on their own two feet. You've got better things to do than cook for them.

I know that everything I've written has been mentioned by others, and you'll probably think, "what does she know" - but you need to take the initiative to reorganise your life before you go under.

It's a tough path you're walking, but there are others on the same road, and they all wish you well.

Dave, how are you feeling now? Have you spoken to anyone?

We are all concerned about you.

 

[Scarlett123]

I have had enough, really had enough

I cannot take it any longer, my life is absolute hell

I can not put my wife in a care home and I can not keep on going, I have tried, really I have tried.

I am at my wits end and have no where to turn too that can help my situation

I see no point in going any further as my life is absolutely gone

Dave, I have only just read your post and my heart is breaking for you. I have found myself in a similar dark place many times, especially in the last year. I have, at my lowest, hoped that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Then I've worried what will John do when he finds me, how will he cope without me to fight his corner, and I've pushed the dark thoughts from my mind.

I was given a number for our local Older Adults Mental Health and Memory, together with an out of hours number. When I was at rock bottom and phoned them, they offered to get emergency respite for me immediately. But I found, just talking of my problems, helped me.

I now have daily carers to bath John, and get him ready for bed. He goes to a Day Centre, for a few hours, every day, except Sunday. I have a cleaner. I have a gardener. I have my shopping delivered. Every thing I can think of to make my life easier, I do.

We saved money for a rainy day, and we have a monsoon at the moment. Please make contact with the Samaritans, Social Services, Older Adults Mental Health - anyone who can help you. We're all here for you in cyberspace, and we all know the herculean effort needed to keep going.

Please let us know how you are.

 

[jeany123]

Good Morning Dave I hope you aren't feeling so bad this morning, Please get help, I know I have felt like you, that I can't go on but with a bit of help we can and do, I thought that my husband would have to stay in a CH when he went for respite after breaking his leg, but I have got help at home and with the day centre 3 times a week it is working very well at the moment, things can change so quickly, please don't despair,

Best Wishes Jeany xx

 

[Jessbow]

Dave
I visit My Mum ( I know its not the same) in her care home, like you I didnt want to let her go.
There I regularly meet two women and a a gentleman whose husband/wife is there as a resident.

Jenny is only in her early 60's, her husband is little older. She is there most days, doing with and for her husband. She didnt want to let him go, but like you , had come to the end of her string.

She says its changed her life immesurably, both for the good and the bad ( which I think is very honest) BUT that the good, both for her and for R , outweighs the bad.

I implore you to ask , if nothing else, for a respite break. Try it, see how you feel then. The nursing home Mum and R are in wasn't my choice- it was Hobsons choice, but really cant fault it, both care that Mum recieves and the care and compassion they show us- its certainly helped me come to terms.

~its not about you giving up, but giving your clearly beloved wife more....

 

[Dagne]

Dear Dave,

I'm not experienced enough to give you advice, just wanted to reach out and let you know I'm thinking about you and your wife and hoping that you get the support that you need and deserve.

It's hard to make big decisions under the kind of pressure you are under. If you can arrange some respite care urgently that may give you the breathing space you need for the moment.

Sending caring thoughts your way,

Dagne

 

[CollegeGirl]

Dave, from your profile, it looks as though you are reading this thread at the moment. I breathed a sigh of relief to see that this morning.

My dad is like you (although a lot older) in that he feels he can't put my mam into care. But looking after her is destroying him. He has no life either.

I will say to you what I say to him (although it makes no difference to him) - please don't let dementia destroy two lives. One is bad enough. It's affecting my life too, watching him struggle, and therefore has a knock-on effect to my hubby, our children, etc.

Respite initially is a good idea - have you ever done that, even? Perhaps if you have, you have had a bad experience? Do try again, there are good homes out there.

We are all thinking of you. How are things today?

 

[Delphie]

You sound worn down Dave, you really do. And it's not surprising. Dementia would test the patience and emotional reserves of a saint.

I don't know your exact circumstances and they're definitely not the same as mine as it's not my partner who's ill but my mum and my husband's aunt, but I still want to tell you that care homes don't have to be the last resort, that dreadful sign of failure. Some probably are just the horrors we imagine, but some are very good indeed and can provide as good and even better level of care than one person at home.

You can carry on caring for your wife and being her protector, even if she's in a care home, but you won't be trying to care and protect while you're on your knees with exhaustion.

My relationship with my mum is now probably better than ever. She's lightly medicated so the paranoia's gone, she's well fed and clean, she has friends, and when I come I come fresh as a daisy and with treats. It's when I think back to her 'independent' living that I shudder in horror now. If anything, I left the decision to place her in residential care at least a year too long.

It wasn't all plain sailing and it took my mum a fair old while to settle. But she did, and even when she wasn't happy, in the early days, I had to remind myself of how much more unhappy she was back at home, cold and lonely, living in a dirty, chaotic house.

Let us know how you are. I'll be thinking of you and your wife.

 

[LYN T]

Hi Dave

Just checking to see how you are.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[CollegeGirl]

I keep checking in, too. I do hope you're okay Dave. Please don't just disappear, do please post again if you are able. Just to let us know you're all right. When members stop posting suddenly, we are all left wondering what's happened and whether we could have helped. It would be lovely to hear from you again.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

 

[jeany123]

Hi Dave how are you, please come back and tell us if any of the advice has been helpful I hope you and your wife are ok xx

I know how overpowering it can seem to come back and have a lot of posts to answer but we just want to know that you are ok x

 

[Scarlett123]

Hi Dave, I'm sure I'm not the only one who is very concerned about you. Please let us know how things are. No need to go into details, we just want to know if you're OK.