how to come to terms that mum not coming home

[annii1]

Any tips on how to accept mum in carehome, won't be coming home. I visit mum in carehome, hear how she wants to come home, look at how frail and old she looks, lie that she will be home soon,think how did it come to this. Know she can't come home, so unpredictable, can be aggressive, needs total 24 hour care,dad frail can't look after her, I can't have mum here as wouldn't have a marriage, family if I did! How do you come to terms with it it tears me apart I can't seem to think of anything else.

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[angecmc]

I totally know what you mean, I have just come home from visiting my Mum at her care home and have been in tears thinking exactly the same as you. I have no answers except that I get these feelings every so often, not all the time so perhaps it will be the same for you. I suppose you could see your GP and ask for councelling, I have heard that it can work for some people. Sending you hugs (()) xx

Ange

 

[Lizjg]

When mum first went into a carehome in September I spent ages looking for alternative solutions so that she could come back home, even though I knew in my heart of heart it wasn't possible. I think I really did it to convince myself she was in the best place and that there really wasn't anyother option. I now have what my OH calls my emotional overload periods, (about every 6 weeks), when everything gets too much for me and I spend a couple of days getting cross and crying over silly things, then I can cope (with the odd crying session in the shower / bath) for the next few weeks.

 

[annii1]

Thank you. I have had counselling, when mum was still at home. It was beneficial to talk to someone but doesn't take the pain awAy.

 

[cragmaid]

Anni, eventually the anguish eases. For now, try to look at this from a step back...if your best friend came to you and told you a similar story you would try really hard to convince them that the Care Home was right for her Mum. That despite the pain she was feeling, her friend had done her best for her Mum. You might say that telling her Mum she'll be home soon might just have a better effect if she says that the Doctors will tell her when she can go home and not add soon, because soon implies a time limit. You could tell your friend, that she is so lucky, because she has been given a chance to spend time with her Mum but has not had cause her family to struggle by her continued absence due to her caring for Mum.
And your friend would be glad she has a truly caring best friend too.
x.x.

 

[annii1]

Oh thank you all and Craigmaid that was a lovely post

 

[scared daughter]

my mum has been in one for 6 months and there is a small part of me that can't accept that's "it" and that she wont ever be anywhere else it's deeply upsetting BUT mum can't be left and is now safe and the carers do seem to really like her

I know she is safe and i know i can see her and help enhance her life, it's just a case of coming to terms with it I guess - it's all part of the process of dealing with what we are loosing xxx

 

[catbells]

Coming to terms is so difficult. We feel helpless, out of control, but what helped me best was to continually consel myself, reassure myself that what I did was "what was best for Mum" Over 3 years ago I moved Mum into a EMI unit without her permission initially just one month before she was diagnoised "severe" and she has now been in a dementia unit for just of 2 years now, and looking back at what the situation was at the time and where we are now - I know I couldn`t have managed to care for her at home. It would have been too emotional. Its too emotional now/overwhelming.
Terrbile, traumatic, horrible no words to describe, but time heals and I am a great believer in "whats meant to be is meant to be". I cried and soemtimes still cry shed loads. I think my friends/colleagues and family are heros as they listened to my distress and quietly supported me, but at the end of the day it was me who had to come to terms.
I took up tai chi just over 2 years ago and find this so helpful, the breathing exercises are beneficial when I`m distressed, calming me down and re-focussing. It is about changing our "mind-set".Taking a day at a time. We can`t change the situation, we can`t get our own minds around this condition which has no logic, but we can work through it and become stronger. Its "accept with grace what we cannot change" etc - (can`t think of the verse). I now see my role as a privelge to be involved in the care of my darling Mum, eventhough she no longer recognises me as her daughter (This was another distressing time - I was no longer special to her) but she sees me as a friendly lady who gives her hugs and kisses reassuring her and comforting her. Mutual comfort.
I hope you soon find comfort in the responses for TP users. We travel our own road but similar experiences.
Treat yourself to something nice when distressed, it helps a little
Keep strong
Heather x

 

[daudi]

Sometimes I'm not sure if we made the right decisions

I been visiting my Dad almost every week just to say hi and check on him at the hospital. We are in the process of placing him there into the long term care place. Not really happy about this cause I feel like we are giving up on him. I feel really sad when I leave him cause sometimes he seems so normal and my Dad. Then there's times where he's talking about long time ago and talking about people that are no longer here. It just crushes me and I want him to be Dad. I miss him so much and when I see him like himself it saddens me to a point where he shouldn't be there. Dad can't take care of himself and Mom who's 74 and not too mobile herself can't take care of him anymore. She would like to try but we fear that it might be too much for her. They live in a one bedroom home.

 

[catbells]

Hi Daudi. You are not giving up on your Dad, I know it feels like it, but please don`t torture yourself. You need to be strong for both your Mum and Dad. I reassure my Mum not sure if she understands me, by telling her she is doing very well and she is SAFE. Dementia can make sufferers frightened as they loose their short term memory so that everything they do is the for first time, and they can no longer reason/understand and work out what happens next, the live in the NOW Sometimes love means letting go - but you are not - you are placing him in a safe environment where his care needs are being met. Would your Dad want you to feel so distressed? Do any of us want to be a burden to our children/wives/husbands - no. Instead of being so distresed you would eventually be able to have quality time with him, both you and your Mum, the burden of the physical caring taken away from you, so that you can talk to him about his past life as he remembers it. It took me a long time to turn around my mind-set. I do have my stressful times, and still terrified of "the phone call" which will come, that we all dread, loosing our loved ones if so very difficult but part of life, the tradegy with this condition is that we have to say goodbye twice, we cannot have a discussion about how they feel about what is happening to them, they are helpless, but we can only go with the flow. It is a heavy and dreadful responsibility but I hope my words will help you.
Take care
Heather x

 

[petromany]

Guilt rears its ugly head again .......

My hubby has recently (4 weeks now) entered an EMI Nursing Home. It is very nice and he seems to have settled in well. I think the problem is me !!! The other patients are further along the line than him and he seems very bored, but all he can do now is sing all day long. I know I was at the end of my tether, however it doesn't make me feel any better at all, when I hear that he has even been sleeping through the night. I was up practically every night 5,6,7 times a nght, and was only averaging about 4-5 hours sleep at the most, so I was an absolute wreck. The ss and mental health nurse , said it was time he was looked after by the professionals and my family have been telling me for months to let go. It is not an easy decision to make and when I visit him, he wants to come home I am bring honest when I say I cannot handle this very well and I drive home crying my eyes out.

To think it has come to this point after 54 years of marriage, and I miss him terribly. although I know when I leave he has forgotten me completely. His cognitive score is nil, now, and he cannot converse with me at all, but the sad thing is he is a fit man otherwise. Now I am all alone, feeling at rock bottom, I am not normally a depressed person, but I cannot seem to shake myself out of it. Oh my, here I am again going on and on, I know we all have our worries and everyone on here will have to go through this at some stage. Where do I go from here ...... I don't know. I really don't.

 

[Raggedrobin]

Oh Petromany, I am so sorry, that is very sad.
I feel guilty at the moment, mum in a ch for just 2 weeks now, but she has rallied from being totally nuts to really quite lucid, and I am wondering whether it was just the meds that were wrong, and maybe I put her in a home too early, and she thinks she is coming home, and yesterday a friend visited her, and when she came out, she asked if mum was in there permanently and when I said yes, I could tell she didn't think she should be there and what a nasty daughter I must be...

 

[Gigglemore]

Raggedrobin I am so cross with that "friend" for making you feel bad, but perhaps her expression was just the result of her own sadness that your Mum is now unable to be at home and it is just your own distress that made you think it was disapproval of you.

Forget that incident and just enjoy the fact that your Mum seems better - it's such good news and you need to be happy about the improvement. Take care x

 

[Raggedrobin]

Thanks Gigglemore. however today mum took matters into her own hands and attempted The Great Escape, as she thought she had thousands of pounds of stuff going to an auction and needed to go and collect the money. I wish. Ho hum, each day a new beginning...

 

[TaraP]

Your story is the same as my Mum

My hubby has recently (4 weeks now) entered an EMI Nursing Home. It is very nice and he seems to have settled in well. I think the problem is me !!! The other patients are further along the line than him and he seems very bored, but all he can do now is sing all day long. I know I was at the end of my tether, however it doesn't make me feel any better at all, when I hear that he has even been sleeping through the night. I was up practically every night 5,6,7 times a nght, and was only averaging about 4-5 hours sleep at the most, so I was an absolute wreck. The ss and mental health nurse , said it was time he was looked after by the professionals and my family have been telling me for months to let go. It is not an easy decision to make and when I visit him, he wants to come home I am bring honest when I say I cannot handle this very well and I drive home crying my eyes out.

To think it has come to this point after 54 years of marriage, and I miss him terribly. although I know when I leave he has forgotten me completely. His cognitive score is nil, now, and he cannot converse with me at all, but the sad thing is he is a fit man otherwise. Now I am all alone, feeling at rock bottom, I am not normally a depressed person, but I cannot seem to shake myself out of it. Oh my, here I am again going on and on, I know we all have our worries and everyone on here will have to go through this at some stage. Where do I go from here ...... I don't know. I really don't.

My mum is in exactly the same place as you. Dad is fit, but his dementia has taken him away almost totally, although he regularly gets his things packed and is ready to go...We cannot have any conversation with him. He has been 6 weeks now, in a secure unit of a care home, and its a nice home too. Mum really struggles when she leaves him, although she knows he will forget her straight away. Sometimes he cries, and that upsets her so much. She says the same words you do, and they have been married since 1956. She does not use the internet, but I bet you could both help each other. Is there any private part of the forum we could exchange numbers. Maybe a chat together would help you both. Thinking of you, as I really do know what you are going through. This is a terrible, terrible illness.

 

[TaraP]

Your post and all the replies have really helped me, thakyou

I have the same feelings about me dad (6 weeks since he was taken in for his own safety), and big bouts of tears. I walk down the road and i'm sobbing and don't care whos looking; i'm sitting at my desk at work and start up. Its not like me at all - and my last 'episode' was about 3 weeks ago, so I thought I was getting a bit better. Yesterday & today, i'm off again...........so I thought, lets see if this amazing forum can help, and it has. Thanks for all the advice in this post, it has really helped, and given hope that it will get better for me. Like all of us, we just want mums and dads back, but that will not happen for us. Hopefully research will help others in the future. Thanks all.

 

[Laini]

I know how you all feel. Mum went into a home before December for respite but that became permanent. The original home was dreadful but we eventually found a really good place with genuinely caring staff, good food, and a nice en-suite room. I tell myself we've done the best thing for Mum as far as safety is concerned. And she was unhappy, aggressive towards Dad,anxious, angry and frightened at home but it still doesn't stop the overwhelming sadness I feel when I think she'll never see her home again.
Sometimes she's more settled than others but she just wants to go home. She can't understand what's happening to her and why she's there. She thinks she's being punished and that tears me apart.
I know she will always love us but I can't bear that she feels we don't love her and that we've abandoned her. I really don't know what the answer is. We looked at all possibilities but this was the only practical one.