Waves of grief

[zigandzag]

Hi all - its been 4 weeks since my mom passed on and I still haven't really taken in the full magnitude of this trauma -it hits me in huge waves and then retreats for a while.

It hasn't been helped by my mom's family who have really upset me. I don't want to go into too much detail on here but they have blamed my mom's "premature" death on me not looking after her properly!!!!!!

When I asked what else did they expect me to do/not do - I was informed that an orthopaedic bed may have been a good idea and how her hair could have been done more often!

In between sobs I explained that an orthopaedic bed would never have helped or stopped the strokes in her brain and how on earth would a cut and blow dry have helped? My mom physically lashed out for months - a haircut? is it me?????? I was truly staggered by their ignorance of this evil disease and total lack of empathy towards me.

They were never here - they never saw how my lovely mom was being destroyed by this evil disease in front of our eyes.

They have knocked me back in my darkest hour..... give me strength - thank god for my real and "virtual" friends because this is a family I definitely don't need.

Why?
x

 

[Sue J]

Zigandzag I don't know your story but just wanted to say sorry your family are so lacking in understanding at your time of loss and trauma that you have so obviously been through. Grief is like the sea coming in waves, I hope that when the big waves come that you will gain comfort from the support,love and care of those who do understand and that calmer seas will come to enable you to heal.
love
Sue

 

[flowerpot]

zigandzag I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with the upset of family members that don't understand. Believe me most of us have them

My Dad died over three years ago and I'm still grieving. I don't think you ever get over it you just learn to deal with it. With me it's silly little things that can set me off.

Take your time and in your own way you'll find peace and be able to remember the happier times without breaking down so much.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

I am sorry but I think it is ignorance or grief or maybe both. You know you did your very best and that was all you could do.

If only it was as simple as getting someone's hair done eh! What a pity these relatives have not found a miracle cure

Keep strong x

 

[CollegeGirl]

You know my thoughts, Z&Z. Sending you love and support xx

 

[dizzywizzy]

I am very lucky my family was there and they saw and they understood.
I know its easier said then done but try to ignore such ignorance, you did your best that is all that can be expected of any of us. Perhaps they are feeling guilty in their grief, that they should have done more and are reflecting it onto you.

Take care x

 

[zigandzag]

Thank you all so much for your positive comments. I was so down about this yesterday but today I feel better. I think you are right in that they are feeling guilty about not doing enough/anything to help. One of my aunties phoned this morning to apologise - which is a start - but its very hard to forgive something of this magnitude.

I put her right on a lot of things and now she feels bad. If they had concerns about anything they only had to talk to me/ask me - why would I hide anything? Why the need to vilify me? I was grateful for any advice/help that anybody wanted to impart.

Another uncle (married to one of the sisters) has also called me and told me how ashamed he is of their behaviour and has told them all his thoughts in no uncertain terms - bless him for backing me up.

So today I feel better - I have no guilt whatsoever about how I looked after my mom - I put her first to the detriment of my own health - as she did me when I was poorly.

I just wished that none of this had happened - but it wasn't my doing.

Thanks for responding - its bizarre though that my virtual friends are kinder/more understanding than my "real" family. I know which ones I'd rather have any day.

Thank you all x

 

[meme]

4 weeks is such a short time and your feelings will be so raw..my mother died in october and I am only coming out of that raw pain slowly now...you know how you looked after your mother...and so does she!...those who seek to place blame at this point in time are not worth giving the time of day to...concentate on you and your grief and moving forward as time allows..x

 

[CollegeGirl]

So glad you feel a bit better today and can put their comments into perspective. Good old uncle for coming to your defence. I'm pleased about that because you have absolutely nothing to berate yourself for, whereas her sisters do. You did your utmost for your mom and we all know it here. Your mom would be proud of the care you gave to her.

Big hugs xxx

 

[Wolfsgirl]

When I saw the subject heading, I completely empathised with you. Although all my Mum's circumstances are quite different and sadly I no longer have a Dad to worry about, it must be quite normal to feel this grief about the dementia effects and changes to the people we love so much.

Just when I think I am dealing with things well, it catches me unaware it overwhelms me and I cry like I have never ever cried before.

Trying to think what I can say to offer comfort but all I have is probably a bit of understanding.

x

 

[Aquamanda]

So glad that a couple of people have realised that they have been really heartless. I think the relatives have lashed out in their grief - I am not excusing them in any way - I just think they have spoken without thinking and in a really mean way.
I am sure you can relate to this little anecdote; my friend's mother, who she adored, died of a brain tumour. There had been some family problems (nothing to do with my friend but to do with her estranged father wanting to make contact with her). Someone told my friend that it was probably the stress of her ex husband wanting to get back in touch with his grown up children, that caused the brain tumour.
That hurt my friend more than anything else - she was actually so happy that her long lost father had finally made contact but after that she couldn't face seeing him and they have never met up.
I think words do cause so much pain sometimes. Why are people so unkind?
When things settle down a bit you know what I would do? I would tell one of the sympathetic family members that the comments about the bed upset you so much that you spent hours on the internet looking into it, and went to your doctor to discuss whether you should have bought an ortho bed. And of course you were told that was ridiculous and you are so upset over the time you had to spend feeling guilty about such nonsense, when all you wanted to do was grieve.
That would get back to those horrible people and hopefully make them regret their unkind comments.
Keep your chin up and try and remember the happy times with your Mom, and be glad that she is now at peace. xxx

 

[dizzywizzy]

I am glad you are feeling a bit better, Everyone deals with grief differently shame they had to mean when dealing with theirs