Mum is a very frail 90 year old who has recently been diagnosed with dementia. She gets a morning and a tea time visit from the council's assessment team plus she gets meals on wheels everyday. She gets visits almost every day from family members. Despite this she will often telephone one of the family between visits saying she doesn't know what she is doing, is feeling bad etc and could one of us come. She sounds desperate so so far we have acceded but I am beginning to think we are making a rod for our own backs by doing so and that we should say we are not coming and remind her that the council carer will be with her soon or some such thing. I expect many people on this forum will have experienced such calls and I wonder how they deal with them?
Daily telephone calls
- Thread starter bazzasmum
- Start date
I know it's really hard but could you start holding back a bit, by saying that 'so and so has been to see you this morning and the carer will be in at 4 o'clock' or whatever and explain that is not a long time to wait. You could then say you would have come over but you have a 'meeting' or 'dental appointment' etc etc. My mother often used to beg me to come and see 'just for 5 minutes' when I had already seen her that day. If I had gone back again, she would have forgotten that she had phoned me to ask me to come. She was always pretty good if I gave her a valid reason for not coming but explained that something (like supper or the carer coming in) would be happening in due course, and suggested she put the tv on and had a rest in the meantime.
But if your mother really is not coping on her own, would it be possible for her to go into care? Maybe you need to broach the subject with her and see what she says.
But if your mother really is not coping on her own, would it be possible for her to go into care? Maybe you need to broach the subject with her and see what she says.
Hi Bazzasmum, welcome to TP. My mum had carers 3 x day & meals on wheels, visits from family members.......4 full day visits & "Pop in" on the other 3 days. She would phone saying she hadn't seen anyone for weeks. We could leave her house after an all day visit & by the time we'd got home an hour later, my answerphone would be full of messages asking when I would go and see her, she hadn't seen a soul.
At first we would go to her when she phoned in "emergency" mode, but came to realise that we weren't prepared to give up our life to sit with mum 24hrs a day . I would talk to her on the phone, try to settle her, say the "tablet lady" would be with her soon & anything else I could think of.
Mum wouldn't consider moving to sheltered housing & any mention of Residential care sent her through the roof, so this carried on until a series of falls & subsequent hospital stays meant she had to go into a CH, where she's been for almost 3 years.
Good luck & remember to look after yourself.
Lin x
At first we would go to her when she phoned in "emergency" mode, but came to realise that we weren't prepared to give up our life to sit with mum 24hrs a day . I would talk to her on the phone, try to settle her, say the "tablet lady" would be with her soon & anything else I could think of.
Mum wouldn't consider moving to sheltered housing & any mention of Residential care sent her through the roof, so this carried on until a series of falls & subsequent hospital stays meant she had to go into a CH, where she's been for almost 3 years.
Good luck & remember to look after yourself.
Lin x
Your mum might have had visitors every 5 minutes 24/7, but she forgets and feels lonely and unsure. This is not me being critical...this is a symptom of the illness. You and your family cannot be there all the time, however it may be that that is the amount of care Mum now needs. I would recommend talking it over but mooting the idea of a Care Home to all concerned would be one way to go.
Sorry I cannot provide anything better to help,
Maureen.x
Sorry I cannot provide anything better to help,
Maureen.xYour mum might have had visitors every 5 minutes 24/7, but she forgets and feels lonely and unsure. This is not me being critical...this is a symptom of the illness. You and your family cannot be there all the time, however it may be that that is the amount of care Mum now needs. I would recommend talking it over but mooting the idea of a Care Home to all concerned would be one way to go.
Sorry I cannot provide anything better to help,
I agree with Maureen - she is almost certainly forgetting that someone has only just been, or will be coming soon. This is very difficult to deal with - I do sympathise. Whatever you tell her, she is likely to forget it very quickly, but you could try reassuring her that someone will be there soon, even if it's not quite true. But if she is going to forget what you say, she will very likely ring again very soon anyway.
My mother would honestly complain to me that she hadn't seen my brother for weeks - when I had literally just met him getting in his car to go, just as I was arriving. She simply could never remember seeing him, and would phone him constantly.
Unfortunately, when someone gets to the stage where they are constantly anxious or agitated if left alone even for a short time, it may be time to think about residential care.
