Hi there, can anyone offer any words of wisdom please? Mum has been in care home since August and dad then had a breakdown and was hospitalised for 3 months. Now he is home and is totally bereaved. He cannot seem to cope with visiting mum and leaving her in the care home. It is very distressing but she just wants to be with him, I think the guilt is upsetting him terribly although he clearly cannot look after her anymore. My sister and I are trying to visit both mum and dad and help as much as possible. Dad also has a counsellor starting soon but any other advice appreciated.
helping dad adapt to mum being in care home
- Thread starter hiedicat
- Start date
Hello Heidicat,
Your poor dad...also you, your sister and mum as well. It really sounds as if your dad still needs support, so I am glad he will be seeing a counsellor soon. I am sure that will help.
I was wondering if you go/could go when your dad visits? Might it be easier for your dad to leave if you were still there with your mum? The other thought I had was if your dad had a 'job' to do when he visited your mum. One man I know at Mum's CH goes to visit his wife at lunchtimes. His mission is to make sure she has 'a good meal'. I often think that focussing on the task makes the visits easier for him.
To be honest, I don't really know. These are just thoughts.
It is a very traumatic time for you all and it has only been a few months. I do hope your dad can find some peace and a way to come to terms with this new life in a while.
xx
Your poor dad...also you, your sister and mum as well. It really sounds as if your dad still needs support, so I am glad he will be seeing a counsellor soon. I am sure that will help.
I was wondering if you go/could go when your dad visits? Might it be easier for your dad to leave if you were still there with your mum? The other thought I had was if your dad had a 'job' to do when he visited your mum. One man I know at Mum's CH goes to visit his wife at lunchtimes. His mission is to make sure she has 'a good meal'. I often think that focussing on the task makes the visits easier for him.
To be honest, I don't really know. These are just thoughts.
It is a very traumatic time for you all and it has only been a few months. I do hope your dad can find some peace and a way to come to terms with this new life in a while.
xx
Could you arrange for them to have lunch together somewhere neutral? Garden centre or something? Encourage him to treat her, special drink or pudding or something?
Can you take him to purchase if and when she needs bits and pieces? Shower gel, for instance. ''Dad, can you get this into mum?''
Give him a reason and a purpose in her world.
Try & make him feel he is still the hub of the wheel, not a discarded piece.
Can you take him to purchase if and when she needs bits and pieces? Shower gel, for instance. ''Dad, can you get this into mum?''
Give him a reason and a purpose in her world.
Try & make him feel he is still the hub of the wheel, not a discarded piece.
So sorry you are all going through this, I know how hard it is, my family have been through similar, all i can say is I think the councelling is agood idea, my Dad would not take that help and it has taken him from from April until just this week to finally not to feel so guilty and he is now able to enjoy visiting Mum and can see that it is better than having to do all the horrible bits of caring. I tell him he is still Mums carer and is still an important link for Mum. I hope things improve for you all xx
Ange
I wonder if one of the care home staff or even the manager could have a word with your dad. Get them to tell him that they are only there to support both of them with the physical side of mum's needs but that they can never replace the role that he has as her carer. Point out to him that they need his help. He knows her likes and dislikes. He is very important because he makes her happy. Whilst the staff can do the physical burden of caring they don't have the time to do anything else. This is where he comes in. They could tell him that she is fine early mornings whilst they get her up and washed and dressed but from, say 11am onwards she would like his company. He could 'take over her care' at that time and have lunch and evening meal there...saves him cooking at home and shopping and the meals are not expensive, he just needs or you need to book him in.
So, what are they going to do when he's there? What was their life like at home? What did they enjoy doing? On a day to day basis he could help her sort out her clothes. Make sure everything is back from the laundry and check if new labels are needed. What about things like her favourite toiletries? What else does she need for her room? An ornament from home? Pretty box of tissues? Photo album? Maybe they could sort out all their old photographs and put them in a nice album? Does he know where their address book is at home? Now's the time to sit down and write those Christmas Cards. Maybe you could print off a note that includes mum's address at the care home and let people know she would love to hear from them. Talking of Christmas, he needs to think of 'their' room. Maybe take him shopping for a small Christmas Tree, some of those sparkly battery operated LED lights would look nice too. Have they got a CD player in the room? Only ask because Christmas Carols can be one of THE things that folks respond to and often can sing along quite merrily. Hairdresser! He needs to organise this as sometimes the staff forget. He also needs to check what activities are going on in the home and put their names down if is something they like to do or maybe it is something new they'd like to try.
You could also help your dad by introducing him to other relatives etc. as they will often be feeling the same as him. With your help this could become an extended family for them both and somewhere that they can continue their lives together rather than feeling that things have ended.
With all these things for him to do, he's going to be a busy man. All he is leaving for is to get some sleep, have a bath, change of clothes and off again. So, not much different to how it was before but minus the stress of cooking and cleaning and bathing AND all the things that took up the time they could be spending with each other. Your mum is in a new HOME, not a prison. This is important for your dad to understand.
Fiona
So, what are they going to do when he's there? What was their life like at home? What did they enjoy doing? On a day to day basis he could help her sort out her clothes. Make sure everything is back from the laundry and check if new labels are needed. What about things like her favourite toiletries? What else does she need for her room? An ornament from home? Pretty box of tissues? Photo album? Maybe they could sort out all their old photographs and put them in a nice album? Does he know where their address book is at home? Now's the time to sit down and write those Christmas Cards. Maybe you could print off a note that includes mum's address at the care home and let people know she would love to hear from them. Talking of Christmas, he needs to think of 'their' room. Maybe take him shopping for a small Christmas Tree, some of those sparkly battery operated LED lights would look nice too. Have they got a CD player in the room? Only ask because Christmas Carols can be one of THE things that folks respond to and often can sing along quite merrily. Hairdresser! He needs to organise this as sometimes the staff forget. He also needs to check what activities are going on in the home and put their names down if is something they like to do or maybe it is something new they'd like to try.
You could also help your dad by introducing him to other relatives etc. as they will often be feeling the same as him. With your help this could become an extended family for them both and somewhere that they can continue their lives together rather than feeling that things have ended.
With all these things for him to do, he's going to be a busy man. All he is leaving for is to get some sleep, have a bath, change of clothes and off again. So, not much different to how it was before but minus the stress of cooking and cleaning and bathing AND all the things that took up the time they could be spending with each other. Your mum is in a new HOME, not a prison. This is important for your dad to understand.
Fiona
