At this moment in time I hate her

[Lisa74]

My Granny, who has no cannot remember anything recent, can remember to hold a grudge. Remember how to upset people, name call and generally cause immense chaos in a house that is already falling to pieces.

Can remember to do disgusting things with a really nasty - haha gotya, expression on her face.

Of course somewhere deep deep down I must love her. Most of the time I like her, but just now I really hate her.

Criticisms welcome, empathy appreciated xx

 

[kingmidas1962]

Big empathy from me ... I hate my mum frequently and with a passion ... she doesn't have dementia though - she suffers from depression and anxiety following carer breakdown.

She was unwell recently (possible UTI) which, just like in some dementia patients, precipitated a mood change ... constant phone calls, complaining, unreasonable demands of me....

I had a bit of a meltdown at home and when hubby asked me what was wrong all I could say was that she's a selfish old woman and I wished she was dead.

So no criticism from me, ever. You are allowed to hate, and be angry ... those are natural human emotions. When I get cross with mum she always gets tearful and says 'don't be angry with me' and my immediate response is always why? Why am I not allowed to be angry, or sad or anything negative? I'm allowed to and so are you xxxxx

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi Lisa24 Yes I can understand how you are feeling. Isn't it marvelous how they can become someone who you could hate quite easily and they test you to the limit. What helps (sometimes!) is think about what she was like before and just look at this person who is unable to be that person anymore. She would probably be mortified if she knew how she was behaving. When you are falling in that hole and you are totally losing control of your life you grab hold of everyone else and try to take them with you and that is what dementia can do. If you retaliate they will not back down and that just leaves you feeling worse. Try just walking away into another room as she is well past being able to be put on the naughty step You do not have to sit and listen to her or look at her face when she behaves like this and you can almost feel she enjoys inflicting this misery on people but remember they are living in misery themselves even though we might not think it sometimes. But you have my empathy x

 

[CollegeGirl]

Empathy from me, too.

I really think, however, that it's the situation we hate, and not the person; but it's almost impossible at times to separate the two.

Don't beat yourself up, these feelings are normal.

Big hugs xx

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Lisa

Hate is a really strong and destructive emotion but I see even at a time of acute stress you have qualified your hate by writing `at this moment`.

It`s good to have somewhere to come to let your feelings out. I don`t know what dementia does to the minds, personalities and behaviours of some of it`s sufferers but it surely does test us to the limit.

 

[Noorza]

I too empathise and after a huge temper tantrum on Monday I am not answering the phone or the door and am on what I call "lock down" before I have a carer breakdown.

I try to hate the dementia, not the frightened, angry, venomous woman that dementia has made her become. I don't always win that battle either.

Empathy from me too.

 

[Shash7677]

I don't think anyone will criticise as most people have felt the same and if not will do at some point.

When mum lived at home some days I could've swung for her, she was nasty and rude. Now she hates me so we've gone full circle, next week she may like me again but for this week I'm the worst person on the planet.

Please don't worry about feeling the way you do,

Sharon

 

[Noorza]

I don't think anyone will criticise as most people have felt the same and if not will do at some point.

When mum lived at home some days I could've swung for her, she was nasty and rude. Now she hates me so we've gone full circle, next week she may like me again but for this week I'm the worst person on the planet.

Please don't worry about feeling the way you do,

Sharon

I could have written that Sharon.

 

[sistermillicent]

I used to hate the monster that was inhabiting my mother. It helped to see it like that.

 

[Miss Merlot]

Yep hate hate hate resentment exasperation scream hate wish she were dead. Often.

Then she shows her sweet side again and I feel two inches tall

 

[oneloopylady]

I don't think anyone will criticise as most people have felt the same and if not will do at some point.

When mum lived at home some days I could've swung for her, she was nasty and rude. Now she hates me so we've gone full circle, next week she may like me again but for this week I'm the worst person on the planet.

Please don't worry about feeling the way you do,

Sharon

Sharon is obviously my soulmate, or my dads other daughter! lol Yup, what she said....

Big hugs anyway at this horrible time.

xxx

 

[Jayp]

Hi Lots of Empathy from me. I have in the last year, stolen all the money, sold the furniture to strangers, been neglecting my husband, burnt down the village hall, had my children taken off me and been in prison,, none of this is true I hasten to add and good job carers know me . Mind you that nothing to what Dad has done, lucky he is deaf as a post. Some of her behaviours would test the patience of a saint, and I am not one of those obviously. This disease often seems to take away the person we knew. We need to grieve for that person too and being angry is part of that process, ooooh that got deep, sorry. Good Luck x

 

[Noorza]

Hi Lots of Empathy from me. I have in the last year, stolen all the money, sold the furniture to strangers, been neglecting my husband, burnt down the village hall, had my children taken off me and been in prison,, none of this is true I hasten to add and good job carers know me . Mind you that nothing to what Dad has done, lucky he is deaf as a post. Some of her behaviours would test the patience of a saint, and I am not one of those obviously. This disease often seems to take away the person we knew. We need to grieve for that person too and being angry is part of that process, ooooh that got deep, sorry. Good Luck x

I would say honest not deep, or deep and honest. I am glad that others are able to express the emotions I too feel. Thank you all.

 

[Shash7677]

My mum told me my dad wasn't my dad! She's said some awful things but I bat them off.

I went to visit her the other day and she gave me her death stare, this is the look that says I'm either going to slap you or shout at you! Thankfully she shouted 'I hate you, you're a pig!' She missed out the word fat which surprised me. It's amazing how most of the time she can't strong together a coherent sentence but, if she is being nasty it's all perfectly understandable!!! Lol.

It's not really LOL but I have to laugh as if I didn't I would be in the Nh with my mum. When she was at her worst at gone I'd merrily have strangled her some days. I did slap her across the shoulder once, knee jerk reaction to her having slapped me really quite hard across the face!!! And she had tried to strangle me with the cords on my hoodie 3 times!

Totally understand hate, loathing and blatantly thinking that you'd be prepared to do time for what you want to do to people at times. But, what I'd always keep in mind is, we hate, loathe and want to swing for a person who isn't who they were, it's almost like they have a split personality, there's a good person and a bad person, the bad person has taken over and the good person can no longer get through. We hate the bad person for taking the good person away from us.

I look at mum now as a shell, she looks like my mum, sounds like my mum but, inside the shell the mum I knew like Elvis has 'left the building'. For me, grieving for mum when she was diagnosed helped. I'm resigned to her illness and how she can be, I don't get offended I laugh, a lot and dad laughs too, it's how he gets through. I can't feel anything for mum, I don't love her, I don't hate her I'm just a bit numb. She isn't as I've said my mum anymore. She had quite bad angina and part of me wishes and this is an awful wish, that she would go to sleep and not wake up. That way she would be at peace, not loving in a home not knowing people, having toilet accident etc. If she could see herself now and how she is she would hate herself.

Take care and chin up,

Sharon

 

[CeliaW]

Reading these posts reminds me of something I have said to Mum on occasion when she has been in "evil mode"

"I will always love you - but right now I don't like you"

She knew what I meant and sometimes it had an effect and sometimes not but it helped me to separate the two.

Hugs to you all - this is a truly soul destroying illness and its impact is like the ripples of the stone dropped in water - spreads far and wide.

xxx

 

[Shash7677]

I say that to my children when they've had an off week. I also say 'I will always love you, even when you're naughty'

It does help. How's your mum getting on by the way?

X

 

[LandOfOz]

Just keep reminding yourself it is the Alz that is doing it, not her. I understand how hard that can be, I've been there several times. We all have been at the point of anger and disgust for something our loved one has done or said. Try to remember the person they were and how embarrassed/saddened they would be if they realized what they have done. Don't let the hate eat away and fester. Find away to let it go and release the pain. It doesn't help the situation and can hurt your health.