More drama with the Social Worker

[Isabella41]

As some of you may recall, John and I are off to Lanzarote soon. I had told the social worker weeks ago that we were going to give her the best chance of booking the respite bed in the home mum normally goes to. Initially she told me the boed could only be booked at a week's notice. I told her we were going either way so it was up to her to sort either the bed out or arrange for a much enhanced care package to allow mum to stay in her flat. She said she'd book the bed!!

I was in mum's last night doing the cleaning and mum told me she'd had enough. I asked what she meant. She said she wanted to go in the home for good as she wasn't able to manage on her own anymore and she asked for me to get this sorted. I nearly dropped as its the first time mum has ever admitted she is struggling. She is loosing weight and getting very bad on her feet.

I rang the social worker this morning to tell her. I said mum wanted to go in the home now rather than wait until we went away. She then asked me "are you going away". I said "yes, I told we were and I asked you weeks ago to book the bed". It was obvious she'd forgotten. I could hear the panic in her voice. She said she'd get on to the home on tuesday and hopefully something could be arranged.

I am now faced with the possibilty that John and I will be flying to Lanzarote in 10 days time leaving mum on her own in the flat. I haven't said this to mum as I am hoping there will be a bed. Its a but shocking that the SW could forget something so important but nothing surprises me anymore.

Watch this space...

Isabella

 

[LYN T]

Oh Isabella

What a shock! Can't say I'm surprised.SW's are either overworked or are suffering from Dementia themselves.Pete's SW has a terrible memory and is forever forgetting things.

My sympathy-you really don't deserve this

Hugs Lyn T

 

[Izzy]

Oh Isabella his dreadful. That really is not good enough.

I hope things are sorted out for your mum and that she does settle in care.

Enjoy your break. You deserve it. (We were there in March!). x

 

[garnuft]

Well, to be fair to the Social Worker, they have a massive case load of incredibly diverse and distressing cases, so I'm not surprised she forgot.

Social Services need more funds.

 

[Izzy]

Yes I agree Gwen but surely something like this should have gone in a calendar/diary for the appropriate time to organise.

 

[FifiMo]

You could always take mum with you.

::::runs::::

 

[garnuft]

I would have rung to remind them and to have the comfort in my head it was certain and I wouldn't expect to be able to say 'Mam, wants to come in today and not in 10 days time'.

Sorry to seem harsh but...well, I suppose that must be me all over.

I wouldn't go on holiday and leave my Mam alone, I would make sure she had appropriate care.

 

[jan.s]

Oh dear Isabella, they rarely seem to get it right! Things happen and the SW seems surprised. They agreed to take over the care of your mum, so they must get on with it.

Having said that, is there any point in you phoning the CH tomorrow, to see if they can help?

If not the SW will have to sort it on Tuesday. I bet you're looking forward to your break, and it is much deserved after the last 12 months of your life!!

Xx

 

[leedsfan]

Hi Isabella,

I agree with jan.s, and think I would be inclined to phone the CH. These things always happen when it's a flamming Bank Holiday, so the world and his dog and SW's are not available!

Agree that Social Workers can be hard pressed, but so are you. It is their job for goodness sake. We have enough on without being letdown by so called 'professionals'. Having said that it is a lottery as to where you are and who you get. Dad seems to have landed a good one, for now anyway!

Hope you get it sorted, sounds like your Mum is tired and wanting extra help now. Let us know how you go on, and have a fab holiday.

Jane

 

[Isabella41]

I would have rung to remind them and to have the comfort in my head it was certain and I wouldn't expect to be able to say 'Mam, wants to come in today and not in 10 days time'.

I wouldn't go on holiday and leave my Mam alone, I would make sure she had appropriate care.

I did initially discuss planned respite with the sw months ago before I ever booked a holiday but it seems the only way I could guarantee a respite bed is for John and I to take a gamble, book leave from work and once we know there is a respite bed for a given time period hope we can afford to book somewhere suitable. Its not exactly what anyone would choose. When mum was being released back out into the community at the end of last summer and I was voicing my opinon that she was not capable of living on her own they gave me the assurance that everything would be ok and that they could care for her in the community as if I didn't exist. So far... not been the case. I am still the one doing the cleaning, shopping, financial managment, doctors apts etc.

You say you wouldn't go on holiday and leave your mother alone and that is very admirable. For me the quality and nature of the relationship before dementia reared its ugly head dictates the path we are now on. My mother has always been a selfish individual and it was a case of her way or no way. My poor father always acquiesced to her demands as it was an easier path. As she has gotten older and in particualr since Daddy died her demands got quite unreasonable at times. If the worst should happen and - due to the error of the social worker to book the bed weeks ago when I asked he to I can hardly cancel my holiday and write off the cost. I imagine the social worker would just have organise either a different home or additional home care staff for my absence.

I rang the care home on one other occasion but it seems that all requests do have to go through the social worker. If I booked a bed direct then I would have to pay the full cost whereas through the social worker it will come out of her 28 days respite allowance.

I saw mum again this evening as the pain patch needed changed. She is so miserable and no matter what I say its all doom and gloom. I offered to take her and her neighbour to the ice cream shop thinking it would be a nice treat. "Aw no sure you'd have to be in the right mood to be doing that" was the reply. Her friend was crestfallen as she quite liked the idea of icecream. Every visit is a hard one as mum is so full of doom and gloom. She hates the flat and wishes she could live in a normal house with her own front door she could go and stand at and see people walk by. I told her she has her own front door and can come and go as she pleases. If she wants to go down to the main door to the block of flats and wander round the garden she can. Apparently though this is not the same.

She was also on about how she really wanted a fried egg and sausage. I told her I had offered to take her to the local greasy spoon many times but she refused. "No I mean I want to fry it myself".Again I reminded her that I had offered many times to allow her to do this in my house."no its no the same. I want to do it here" was the reply. I have no doubt that if I brought round an electric frying pan and stood there while she did it she would then say it doesn't taste proper as its not a proper cooker/pan. She is still chasing this eleusive happiness that I know does not exist.

For a long time I allowed myself to get drawn into her world and wasted so much (of her) money on things she said she would make her happy if only she could get them but of course once she gets them she moves on to something else. For example she thinks the first flat she was in was paradise and was wondering if there was any chance she could back there. Then within 30 mins she was asking again if there was any news on her bed in the home.

I don't for one minute expect her to stay in the home. The pattern normally is she is 'glad' to be getting in there but within hours/a couple of days she is lamenting that everyone is stupid/away with the fairies etc and she thinks she'd be better off in her flat and so the whole circle moves round again. I could just refuse to pick her up from the home but think this is unwise as at the minute I can get her to go into it with no resistance. The time will come when she will loose the capacity permanently to make this decision and I don't think its too far away.

I guess I will just have to wait to see what Tuesday brings.

Isabella

 

[Isabella41]

Update

The SW called to see mum this morning. Her timing was perfect as mum had a major 'accident' in the night so there was poo everywhere and she was in a real mess herself. I'm not sure why but the housing manager from the complex was called in to help out.

Mum reiterated to the SW that she wanted to go in the care home for good. She admitted she is not coping. She is not eating much but is stll being given the same quantites of laxatives so accidents are inevitable. The problem is the care assitants are not allowed to tweak it depending on what she's eating. In the care home they can and do this so accidents are less common.

Thankfully a bed has been found in the usual care home and mum will be going in there at the weekend. A care management meeting will be held after 2 weeks to decide what do next but if mum decides she wants back to her flat they are powerless to stop her and will allow her to do this. The cycle in the past has been that after a couple of weeks of good care and feeding her physical and mental health improves and she insists she wants home. She gets home and deteriorates again and so the cycle starts over. Apparently until such time as she looses capacity permanently they have to go with what she says she wants on a given day. John said I should just refuse to take her home but that's pointless as the SW would just do it anyway.

I am just relieved that a bed has been sorted and we can enjoy our holiday without worry.

Isabella

 

[Dazmum]

I'm pleased that you are able to go away Isabella, and also (though not for your mum) that the SW and manager were able to see things as they are this morning.

I don't know about these things, but has been seen that your mum can't cope alone, would a Deprivation of Liberties safeguard http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=1327 be appropriate? I know that my mum's care home manager mentioned this when I asked what would happen if mum didn't want to stay.

 

[Moonflower]

I'm so glad the SW saw it how it is, Isabella
Hope you enjoy your holiday
BTW for what it's worth, I think John's right and you should refuse to take her back to the flat if she wants to leave the care home. If the SW does so, that helps reinforce the point that you think it's better for your mother to be in 24 hour care and it's the SW's responsibility if they think otherwise.
Have a great and well deserved break

 

[Sue J]

I'm so glad the SW saw it how it is, Isabella
I think John's right and you should refuse to take her back to the flat if she wants to leave the care home. If the SW does so, that helps reinforce the point that you think it's better for your mother to be in 24 hour care and it's the SW's responsibility if they think otherwise.

I agree, the SW might then come round to your way of thinking. It seems obvious from what you write that your Mum's needs are best met when she is in care and so are yours. I hope this time it happens for real. Enjoy your holiday.
Best wishes
Sue

 

[ggma]

So glad a bed has been sorted so you get your very well deserved break. What a long year it has been for you with your Mother.
You have been so understanding of her condition and her needs, such a tragedy that she will never understand how much you do.
Enjoy your break, and hope you and John get to relax and not worry.

 

[craftyviola]

If the Social Worker is taking responsibility for returning your Mum back to the flat, then she will have to take responsiblilty for the consequences after the inevitable happens and your Mum again shows that she is unable to care for herself. If you simply refuse to be involved, then Adult Services will simply have to deal with the problem. Why not use this opportunity of a holiday as a turning point and just let the powers that be sort out once and for all the spiral which this situation has allowed to become, going from the flat to a care home and back again endless times? If you are not compelled to look after your Mum and you have done more than most people would do anyway and you have the patience of a saint.

Have a lovely holiday and please try not to answer your phone!