Do I make her move, or let her stay ?

[Shadow01]

I feel so guilty but also feel I shouldn't
I have wanted to move house for a while to somewhere with more space ... internal and external.. We are shoehorned into our house.

My Mum who I am now caring for has made it clear that she does not want to move .. and wants to die in her house.
We currently live in the same town but if I moved to get the space i need it is likely to be much further away to the extent that i couldn't be as flexible and see her daily.
I would like to get a place with an annexe. that way I could keep a much closer eye .. but we wouldn't be on top of eachother.
I have 1 sibling who lives on the other side of the world who has not seen my mum for over 25 years.

I am the only carer she has

Has anyone else had this dilema

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Sorry for your dilemma shadow01, I really have not been in your position but wanted to show you some support.

I think in any situation we tend to put our needs and selves last all the time, and sometimes it means everybody is miserable and resentful. Dementia seems to make some people go back to that innocent age where manipulation to get what we want is a useful tool. Except back then, it was for simple reasons with few ramifications. Now, that manipulation plays havoc with your emotions and you're forced to make choices you may not like or want. That allows resentment to fester, not good.

I wonder whether, regardless of our choices or the circumstances, some sufferers will just be miserable and pull you into that misery. If she's unhappy now, perhaps it will make little difference to her that you move, and she will be equally unhappy, but, the difference is, YOU will be happy, and better able to cope with the rest of this journey.

In the end, she sadly will not know where she is any more, her own home, her home town; Dad would want to go "home" every day, but he was home, the home he built himself over 40 years ago, and was with Mum too. We could have been on the moon or the house in which he was born, and he would not react any differently.

Hope you can make the choice that's best for all, tough as it may be.
Stephanie, xxx

 

[1954]

We too have wanted to move for a long time now so that we could have a small holding but just laugh now because that's out of the question. We look after both mothers. One lives near by the other with us

Just a thought, does your mother own her house? Do you have POA because would she sign to sell her house?

I don't think there are any right or wrongs with what ever discussion you go with because your mum will not be happy anywhere. My MIL is not happy living with us but then she was extremely unhappy in her own home

I hope you come to some sort of solution

Take care

 

[Margaret79]

When FIL died and MIL was diagnosed with dementia we bit the bullet, moved miles away from Dartford to Wisbech taking MIL with us to live in the garage. (It was a double garage and we did have it converted )

We had always wanted to move to the country but stayed to be close to in laws. Anyway I think it was the best move we could have made. I was worried that we had taken MIL's independance away from her as she could no longer just get on a bus and go out. But that has been a blessing in a way as she was beginning to get lost in an area she had been in for 40 years. She alternated between wanting to come and wanting to stay put. In fact on moving day she refused to budge from her bed . I suggested she tried it and if she didn't like it we'd sort something else out.

She is not attached to the main house and has to cross the garden to get to us. We've had our ups and downs but all in all it's much easier having her right here. At least we know which stories are true and which are not

I cannot believe how helpful and supportive the doctors, mental health team, CPN etc etc are. And I'm amazed at the short waiting lists to see specialists, it took 2 weeks for me to get an ent apt at local hospital. Amazing, would have been months in Dartford!

My only regret is that invisible BIL promised to come and stay in house so that my husband and I could get some respite and go away. Of course he hasn't been near. We did use a local home for a few nights but she was such a pain that we haven't bothered again but I believe that was a mistake as we need some time together so am going to organise something for later on in the year.

It is hard being tied down and luckily we only have MIL to look after between us as my parents have been gone for some time. I dread to think what it would be like if we had 4 parents to look after

As hard as it is it gives me pleasure to know that she is well looked after and that I am doing what I can to make her days enjoyable. When the point comes that it is nothing but a chore then we'll have to look for alternatives.

Living with a sufferer is not for everyone I understand, all you can do is follow your heart.

Good luck with whatever you decide. xxx

 

[Shadow01]

Thank you for the responses.. Much appreciated

My mum does own her own house and POA is another thing I need to sort out (have filled out the form but not printed it or taken it further yet). Mum does trust me.
I am much richer than her but with my Husband, 3 kids and 3 big dogs I would say comfortable but not rolling in money.

If I did sell her house as well to contribute I would have to divide the money with my sister (I would have thought) and then use “my” half as a contribution … Or how does or should this work?
What if or when her care needs becomes extreme and I am no longer able to or need periods of respite carers?

My sister is not good financially. She has “borrowed” sizeable sums on a no return basis a few times now. Once I mentioned to her that I wanted to move and think I would have to take mum with me … she wants this to happen ASAP… she even asked if mum would pay her fare to come over this summer … I think she wants to hurry things along. Mum though doesn’t seem keen to see her though. I feel I am in the middle but will not allow any more fleecing.

My mum has COPD and so she is unlikely to catch a bus anywhere. She barely goes out in the garden and unless I tease her out when doing her gardening. She is of the opinion the neighbours are watching her (spying). They want her house … and they are not going to get it.

I had her kitchen extended and put in a big window over the sink facing the garden. She loves watching the birds in the garden (yes I have to ensure the feeders and bird baths are full) so anywhere I go would have to be good for garden birds.

I also care for my MIL and although she is much older she completely seems to have all marbles intact (MIL will be 90 next month) her issue is mobility so I am just tasked with shopping, bills and normal household type stuff with a light hearted chit chat/ banter. MIL knows I want to move and has very clearly stated that if we go she wants to come too (she mentions this a lot). Currently we speak on the phone daily and I visit 4+ times a week. I felt quite bad when her sister died recently and she declined going in the car as she wanted to travel to the funeral with me and would not let go of me after the service when her children came to comfort her

It’s a great shame though that my mum and MIL don’t get on … she calls MIL the queen of Sheba as in her words one click and they all come running (2 sons 2 daughters and numerous grown up grandchildren)… whereas she only has me and “has had to work all her life for what she has”. There is definite resentment.

I just don’t know … I think I will have to get my house valued maybe I would get a better idea of what I have to play with?
I would love a small holding and this is the worry … if I leave it too long I won’t do it.

 

[Karjo]

I think you probably need to look at information on deprivation of assets. As you quite rightly mentioned your mum may need to go into care if you cannot cope, and she would be self funding if she has a property or the money from the sale of the property. SS would take a very dim view of it if your mum's money had been shared out to either you or your sister. It remains your mum's money until death ( and try and make sure she has a will) and there are quite also rules if you are her attorney.
Please do your research on being able to care for your mum at home on what sort of contribution she can make to the finances. I know we are encouraged to do this (care for them) but it really seems to be a minefield as we are supposed to do it unpaid and for love, without regard to our own financial future.
Wishing you the best of luck if you decide to go ahead but please be very careful, especially from now on with your sister. I assume whats gone to her was when our mum was of sound mind, but things are different now.
BTW my sister lives abroad and is also mums attorney. We pay for her flight when she comes over (cheap flights) as it usually involves her sorting mums affairs as well as a visit to mum and gives me a break. Quite how it could be viewed in the future I don't know or care. Morally I feel justified, they can take me to court over it if they ever want, sister will be OK as she is out of the country!

 

[ggma]

I do echo the above, youneedto be very careful how you support your mother to manage her money. If you give money away it is taxable and a minefield
We as a family have a POA for mum and are very careful to make sure the decisions we make are in her best interests, the money is hers until she is no longer with us.
If it is your Mums wish to stay in her own home, don't let it stop you moving and getting on with your own life. Let your Mum stay in her familiar surroundings and if you move and need extra help for your mum look to getting some agency help. The time will come when she needs support over the full 24hrs I tried to have my Mum to stay with me at this point but I could just not manage all the threads in my life, I have not regretted the decision to let Mum live in a care home and her altzehimers is so advanced now she can not remember her home anymore

 

[Witzend]

I do echo the above, youneedto be very careful how you support your mother to manage her money. If you give money away it is taxable and a minefield
We as a family have a POA for mum and are very careful to make sure the decisions we make are in her best interests, the money is hers until she is no longer with us.
If it is your Mums wish to stay in her own home, don't let it stop you moving and getting on with your own life. Let your Mum stay in her familiar surroundings and if you move and need extra help for your mum look to getting some agency help. The time will come when she needs support over the full 24hrs I tried to have my Mum to stay with me at this point but I could just not manage all the threads in my life, I have not regretted the decision to let Mum live in a care home and her altzehimers is so advanced now she can not remember her home anymore

Even if there were no question of using your mum's money, and possible problems later over deprivations of assets, an annexe or granny flat might only be workable for a relatively short time.
You say 'we wouldn't be on top of each other' but there would quite likely come a point sooner or later, and maybe sooner, when no matter what you might say or do, your mother would simply be unable to understand or remember that she was supposed to stay in her own part much of the time. You could find yourselves unable to enjoy any peace, driven mad and tearing your hair.
Sorry to sound so negative, but I have known at least one case where this seemed the perfect solution, only to turn into a nightmare not much later.

 

[Shadow01]

I really do appreciate your comments and the info provided... Thank you all

It is helping me to understand much better..... and know what to look into

Sometimes when you are too close it gets muddied when you are trying to sort your own life out as well as caring for another.

My mum does have a will ... she has always been very vocal about it to my sister and I to ensure we know how to get hold of it (which solicitors etc) she was always very practical.
I don't need my mums money from her house to fund my move and reading comments on this forum ... I am now starting to get a little scared about what may be in store for her quality of life (and mine) if I take her with me.
When her stepmum came to stay (years ago) for a few weeks it drove her mad how she was being followed around the house and nowhere was sacred

I am now remembering her friend saying to me "Make sure you do whats good for you ... don't let her hold you back".


It takes very little for her to become verbally abusive which can be uncomfortable for folks who are not very close (and even some that are) immediately after she has no recollection (strongly denies swearing) and reducing someone to an inch tall
I have lost count of the gardeners that won't come back.

Oh why can't things be easier?
I know she won't be able to cope without me and compared to some of the experiences I have read on here, I am in the scheme of things getting it easy right now.

As for my sister ... yes the loans were before things got cloudy .. but my mum had not forgotten and did hold some resentment even though she would not say anything to my sister. (not sure about now.. it's not mentioned).

I am now thinking though that my sister has the bit between her teeth in anticipation. It wouldn't surprise me if her wish to travel back to see mum fades once she knows the sale of mums house would not be an early windfall for her

Now I have much more visibility of her finances I will ensure they are managed appropriately with my mums interests.
I will have to sort POA though as I am also starting to feel uncomfortable about managing her finances without the correct authority.