Not coping today

[1954]

Today my hubbie and I are meant to be celebrating 35 years of marriage. My mother has my MIL for about 4 hours so we can go for a meal just on our own as taking MIL is what I compare to a monkeys tea party-its dire and anyway we had dim sums at a 'proper' Chinese restaurant which she would not like. It was stressful getting to my mums and in a moment G is going to pick his mother up. Then we will watch the endless 24 news channel and every few minutes she says 'they should be whipped' or 'its scandalous' or 'its outrageous' and round and round the news goes with the same things said.

Lets hope my mother does not phone me as I still feel so unwell

I wish I knew how long this horrendous illness lasted. Not coping well today. Was awake at 0330 this morning and could not get back to sleep again and those retched hot flushes...............

 

[flowerpot]

Happy Anniversary and hoping that you can enjoy your meal. It's all so difficult isn't it but because we care too much we do it. Take care x

 

[lilysmybabypup]

On, happy anniversary to you both! How lovely! I am sure, if you can just put all your worries on the back burner for a few hours you will be able to enjoy your time together. Easier said than done, but you owe it to yourself to have a really good time. I'm sure it will all be fine, and aren't hot flushes a real cow?? I wear layers so I can strip back when they hit, and a light cotton summer nightie all year round, for the awful night ones. Thankfully they are much less now, must be getting even older.

Try to enjoy your day,

Congratulations,
Stephanie, xxx

 

[Big Effort]

Hello 1954,
35 years of marriage - congratulations, and just KNOW that life will not always be dominated by dementia. I have no suggestions or solutions other than say, remember the catch phrase of "staying in the present". The mind has a cruel tendency to keep replaying dementia episodes, and then when we aren't doing that, we are busy imagining awful episodes still to come. Sages, wise people, and enlightened folk know the trick is to see that for the illusion it is, as the only moment we have is the present one (minus thoughts!!!).

It is 35 years of marriage, and after 35 years that must be paramount, and dementia should come an invisible second.

Come on, 1954, 35 years to celebrate, a wonderful man at your side (almost feel I know him from your posts), and you are an amazing woman, who happens to find dementia at this stage tough going. Like me. But that doesn't make me a monster, does it?

If today doesn't pass muster, try again tomorrow. I am not going to let dementia be my life. Hugs and best celebratory mood winging its way from France direct to you, BE

 

[Christin]

Happy Anniversary, 1954

 

[Izzy]

Happy anniversary 1954. Our 35th is in December. X

 

[Delphie]

Congratulations! 35 years is well worth celebrating.

You ask, about the illness, how long it's going to last. I know you're down so imagine I'm saying this very gently, because I am. You have options. You can't cure your MIL but you can make changes to your situation. Imagine for a moment she's in a really lovely care home. And you have lots of your life back, time for your family, time for you.

I'm not saying you need to start sorting things right this minute. You probably have zero energy and don't need yet another thing to organise, but just know that you have options and you're not trapped, even though it probably feels like it right now.

 

[1954]

Hot flushes

Thank you very much everyone you are so so kind. Had a lovely meal. MIL is back

About the flushes- I have just come off HRT not because I was told to by my GP but I felt after 8 years on it I should come off it. I also wear cotton light sleeveless nightdresses all year round (have to be covered as I sleep walk and have been known to walk out of the house naked! not a pretty sight). G is under the duvet like it is winter with duvet right up to his eyes, while I have the fan on me and duvet pushed down to my bottom! He says it feels like he is sleeping with ice on the inside of the windows in the coldest country in the world and could not be any colder, for me its like sleeping in Africa so so hot holding my nightdress up to get the air to my body but my feet frozen. Odd isn't it!..............And not a pretty sight I can assure you!

 

[loveahug]

Hot flushes

oooh 1954 I remember those nights just ) the only thing that worked for me was fill a hot water bottle with iced water which I would cuddle to go to sleep, or face into the middle of the bed and put it against my back, it did seem to work much of the time.

There are also some mattress toppers these days which vent heat away from you, I dare say you could try the single version on your side. Then there are supercool sheets but hubby might not appreciate those

 

[Onlyme]

G is under the duvet like it is winter with duvet right up to his eyes. He says it feels like he is sleeping with ice on the inside of the windows in the coldest country in the world and could not be any colder........for me its like sleeping in Africa so so hot holding my nightdress up to get the air to my body

I know I shouldn't laugh but the mental image was too much.

Happy Anniversary!

 

[kingmidas1962]

Happy, happy anniversary! I got married quite late in life (well, generally speaking) and I'm only approaching 16 years!

As far as your personal circumstances go, much is said about the 'crisis point' that people reach when they feel they can no longer manage. From the number of posts you've put on here (even the ones that dissolved into hilarity like the eating out thread) I actually think you're reaching yours, if you're not there already....

I am totally with Delphie .. you don't have to do anything, right now, this second but please allow the thought to enter your head that there is another way...

 

[Scarlett123]

Congratulations 1954 on your wedding anniversary! What a wonderful achievement to celebrate 35 years together. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, with Alzheimers, without Alzheimers .......................

You are an absolute heroine, looking after your MIL, and I'm sure your husband must thank his lucky stars for you. How long does Alzheimers last? Who knows. How long can you last? That's more important.

John and I have been married for 45 years, and he has AD. Some days I want to bang my head against the wall, and scream. Other days I feel the perfume of burning martyr, drifting from my every pore, and my halo gleams for all to see.

Today was wonderful. John went to his club, I had my hair done, then met a friend for coffee. Then I came home and watched my Les Mis DVD and ate a bar of chocolate and a packet of cashew nuts. I was in heaven!

I collected John from his club, and then we went to the chemist. Whilst we were waiting our turn, he tapped me on the shoulder and said, in a loud clear voice "I had to have a ****e at the club today. I've never needed a ****e there before, only a slash".

I mumbled something and started examining my nails, in great detail. He tapped me again and said "When I had my ****e it was so hard that when I'd finished, I felt I'd been kicked by a horse!! Did I have one yesterday, I can't remember?" There was a mum with 2 kiddies in front of us, and they were hysterical!

"I'm so sorry," I said "he has Alzheimers". "Don't you worry" she replied "they've been playing me up ever since they came out of school and this is the quietest they've been". John's farting and bowel movements are quite well known in our neighbourhood!

Have a good-as-possible l-o-n-g weekend everyone.

Scarlett123 xx

I used a word that sounds like "white" but begins with an "sh" instead - hence the *****!!

 

[Izzy]

Oh Scarlett. That's priceless. I love the reaction of the mum!! The kinds will have something interesting to write about at school!!!

I also love your 'perfume of the burning martyr'. So familiar!! x

 

[1954]

Its just a bad day! I really think it is me not MIL. I feel guilty now and horrible........

 

[Izzy]

Its just a bad day! I really think it is me not MIL. I feel guilty now and horrible........

Ah don't. It's not easy. Stop being so hard on yourself. Not feeling well can't be helping. Take care. xx

 

[creativesarah]

perhaps its the weather I'm not coping well either today

 

[Helen33]

Have you tried Black Cohosh menopausal relief? I remember those dreadful night flushes - I would be drenched with sweat. Thank goodness it didn't affect me during the day. I got so sick of it I tried Black Cohosh from those health food shops and it really did help me.

Wishing you a Happy Anniversary.

Love

 

[1954]

Things have got worse

Yes I have lost the plot. I called my mother 9 times and it went to answer machine she is deaf and my wonderful brother has bought her this up to date phone with answer machine (give me strength). No answer from my mother, only going to answer machine. My MIL refused to come with me. Absolutely point blank refused. I had a glass of wine with her with dinner as it was our wedding anniversary. Hubbie had to go out (I knew that ages ago). THEN I called my mother. answer machine 9 yes 9 times. She is deaf. What has happened to her??

I marched round to her house having locked MIL in our house. MIL said what if I need to go out. I said well come with me. No she said but what if I need to go out. Tough I said you can not, as I have locked you in!

On arriving at my mothers house of course she was ok but had not heard the phone. With that I ripped it out of its socked it and broke it! She looked gutted. I said I can not be the carer for two people it's impossible I can not cope. I just walked back to MIL who asked is she ok! I can not cope I have 2 brothers my husband has 2 sisters why does it all fall on one child. I despair

 

[fullmoon]

Firstly, happy anniversary!

I totally understand how you feel. I am beginning to believe a stranger with AD would be easier to care for, as I just want my mother to be the person she was prior to the onset of this terrible disease. Physical illness is hard to witness but carers still have the person they loved. From my own experience, I have a mum who is physically fit for her age which means I have the constant worry of wandering but she has become someone I can no longer talk or communicate with. Don't feel guilty, i am constantly asking myself how long will this journey take. I would imagine that is normal because the impact on our lives when they live with us is huge.

 

[Onlyme]

OH bought his mother a mobile phone as she wanted one. I told him not to but he got it anyway. She didn't have the first idea how to answer it, switch it on or make a call. Total waste of time and money.