I don't know what to do for the best

[JuliaK]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to Talking Point and wondered whether anyone could provide a bit of advice or insight into their own experiences...I don't really know where else to go as I'm struggling to know what to do for the best.

My dad is a 'young' and physically fit 68 year old. He's always provided for his family and been the best dad in the world. He's struggling to come to terms with retiring and is still doing the odd day here and there but over the last few years his memory has slowly got worse. Anyone else probably wouldn't notice but mom and I do. It's got to a point where he's joking about it to me but not really talking to me about his fears/concerns - but I can tell that he's worried and anxious about it.

He confides in my mom, who is an absolute angel, and has said that he's worried about what the future holds and getting to a stage where he's dependent upon people. He's said he'd rather be dead than get to a point where he doesn't recognise his family. He's a proud and independent man who has always provided for us and looked after everyone else so it's understandable really.

Dad finally plucked up the courage to go to his GP, with my mom, where he discussed his fears and anxieties and she signed him off work and prescribed anti-depressants. This was about 6 months ago. In that initial visit to his GP she said that she would refer him for an assessment but has never followed up on this (and my dad has forgot all about it). Dad went to see the GP about an unrelated matter recently and when she asked him about how his memory was he told her it had got worse and she told him to take more anti-depressants!!

I want to do the right thing for my dad but don't know what that is:

Should I talk to him and encourage him to go for an assessment for his memory so that he at least has a hope of starting treatment and slowing down the process?

Will that make him feel like he's not coping and risk his 'brave face' turning into him giving up and ultimately deteriorating?

If I intervene, will that make him feel worse? Like I said he's a proud man but I want to see him get the best treatment possible (and I also want to provide some support for my mom).

Should I speak to his GP about my concerns/complaints about his treatment? (NB dad's GP is different to mine)

Sorry for all the questions but my head is all over the place.

Thank you for your support.

 

[hiedicat]

Hi there, might be worth talking to your dad about your concerns and if he doesn't listen persuade your mum to talk to the GP and make an appointment for dad, it could even be for a medication review which is a good excuse to persuade him to attend. Having been through a similar experience with my mum, it was useful to get a diagnosis and start treatment and it has really slowed things down. Good luck, I'm sure you will get lots of advice and support here x

 

[lin1]

Hello JuliaK
Welcome to TP
I am sorry to hear about the worries you have about your Dad
though Depression can mimic Dementia, I think Dads gp needs to be reminded about the promised referral as it seems they have forgotten

IMO it would be best to discuss things with your Mum befor you do anything

I would ask the GP to do some blood tests to check for things that can cause memory problems, these are rare but being rare does not mean that something could be out of kilter and be causing Dads symptoms.

Their can be problems with confidentiality when speaking to another persons gp , but they should listen to you even though they may not be/feel able to discuss Dad with you esp as you are not known to them, if your mum has the same gp as your dad their may be no problem with confidentiality
One way to get round the confidentiality problem with gp's is , for it it be put on their records that Dad has given his permission to discuss things with mum and yourself, they may well have a form for this

It may help the gp to take things more seriously if Mum keeps a diary on your Dad, the problems he is having , behaviours etc ,basically anything that would not have been usual for your dad when he was well.
then take this to the gp, some gp's dont seem to get ittill they see it in writing

I hope this helps
feel free to ask any questions we will do our best to answer
Others will be alsong soon with support and advise

 

[chris53]

Hello Julia, and welcome to Talking Point, glad you have joined us, hope we can be of help so sorry dad is in a dark place at the moment and everything seems "up in the air" for him and family, may I suggest that a diary of how he is day to day is kept for a few weeks and you go and see his doctor with these findings, the doctor will not be able to discuss much with you but it will at least be put on record and your concerns acted on, my mum was first put on anti-depressants when things did not seem right, a urine test was done in case there was an infection(there was) and also blood tests which included thyroid function and vitamin levels,then an assessment at the memory clinic, all this does take time, and because of funding she was only put on Aricept late 2011 (it's now given in its generic form as tons cheaper) not everyone is receptive to this medication but if they are it can slow this illness down, there are also lots more medications around that may help with different forms of dementia, my mum has Alzheimer's so that tends to be given for AD and my mum in law has Vascular Dementia and is on very different meds. Please do keep posting as support is here for you and mum, anytime day or night, I hope you do get things on the move soon and you are doing the right thing for your dad and giving massive support to him and mum. Take care, and sending a hug-Chris x

 

[LadyA]

Whatever about talking about his memory concerns, could I suggest that you approach him now, while he is still relatively well and certainly would be considered to have capacity, about those concerns he himself expressed, about getting older etc. - that really everyone should, while they are still in such good health, and long before it would ever become any way necessary, put in place a Living Will and/or Power of Attorney, which would give a person some control over what would happen to them if they should become ill or incapacitated, and - and this is I would think from what you say, an emphasis you could put with your father - make sure that your loved ones were in the best position possible to make decisions that they know you would want.

Powers of Attorney can be worth more than their weight in gold in avoiding a lot of stress and problems down the line. My husband was very paranoid and suspicious (even thought I was putting something in his food to make him sick or kill him) and so getting Power of Attorney was out of the question. Luckily, I had always had control of our finances, and all our banking and bill paying is done by me online.

 

[JuliaK]

Thank you

Thank you all so much for replying, it means such a lot.

I'll let you know how I get on x